I am completely broken. I have no one to talk to about this and I feel like I'm going crazy.
DH had a apparent breakdown last year, I say apparent as I'm seriously questioning everything hes ever said.
The first I knew about it he crashed his car in a village near to where we lived. He parked up and phoned me in floods of tears. He had left very early that morning to goto a meeting in a major city about 80 miles away by train. So I was shocked he hadn't gone there at all. He said he had a doctors appointment and he was killing time before it and then crashed. I picked him up and brought him home. He said he had missed his doctors appointment and was a complete mess, said it was all because his dad was seriously ill and his job had become to much. He had an appointment at the doctors the nxxt day, they said it was stress and he had had a breakdown, he was signed of work. He had a text to remind him of this apt and he was surprised about this. I thought it odd cos surely he would have had a text the day before.
I cared for him and tried helping all the time, doing everything I could and informing parents etc. He was horrible to be around and he had me in nearly constant tears. I couldn't do anything right. I tried really hard. We did argue a lot but he would jump down my throat and I felt I had done nothing wrong.
It was a miserable time the last 6 months of last year. He also had totally gone of sex for a few years before this. I blamed myself and said he didn't find me attractive. He always said he did. But still nothing. No intimacy. I have put on a lot of weight so blamed myself at being disgusting and a boring housewife.
I tried looking after him all this time and everyone in the family was looking at me to do more and more for him but no one helped. A few times I asked him to leave but he never would, only storm out. But he kept making out it was me all the time, my ungratefull behaviour for all he does, me not making enough effort with the house etc.
Things have been very up and down and I have felt very alone. I have no one to talk to. I did say to my sister once that could he have been having an affair when the car crash happeded, she was horrified and said he would never do that to me. I wasn't so sure.
Anyway weve carried on and things have been ok ish but I have felt unloved but he says no problems with him, apart from I argue and bring up things from years ago. Like how he used to go out a lot and tell the kids he would be home for dinner then go totally non contact and roll in the early hours of the morning. I would never know who he was with or where. But when I put my foot down and threatened to throw him out cos it was making me so ill and upset. He wasn't happy but stopped going out. But thimks I am unreasonable about it and he is a martyr about not going oit now. I have no trouble with him going out just not disappearing.
Anyway thinks have plodded on and occasionally I can see the man he used to be and I love those time.
Aplogies for the essay length of my post. He went away for business a few days ago and while I was on the computer I saw his facebook was open so had a little snoop in his messages. I was totally shocked what I found from one of his female friends who I had always been a bit feeling about but nothing ever seen and he didn't really mention her much. The messages started from thr beginning on the year when he was saying how young she looked and he couldn't believe her age and she saying how young he looked. Then her saying she wants to buy him a drink for being so nice and was he coming out on works drinks. He said no cos he was signed of work. Then he said about how he had to leave me, that we had grown apart and he couldn't go on like this, he needed to get the guts to tell me. She was saying he should do it and be happy. She has just recently left her partner and was saying its much better and its nicer when you are happy. They talked aboyt shared child care and how he likes the idea of that. I checked my phone texts from him frm that night and we were getting on ok ish and he was texing me the same time as texting her. We had sex that night, that makes me sick now that he was talking to her about leaving me.
I'm sure some messages must have been deleted. Then the next messages were I knew you had trouble with her a few years ago!!!
and then sorry I didn't see you at work, and all his friends had been saying how she was jokingly annoyed and missed him. I thought this sounded flirty.
I felt sick after reading all this, I had no idea he wanted to leave me I was fuming so called him, he hadn't quite got to his office but I shouted that hes having an affair and what I had seen. I was so angry. He denied it all so I put the phone down on him. I text and asked him to come back that night., he didn't. I phoned him yesterday morning and let loose again, he denied touching her, so I said its an emotional affair. He denies this, She's a friend, he says he doesn't have her phone number, they talk at work and he has spoken to her about me. He was supposed to be arranging to come home yesterday but he didn't. Text him last night. He says we have no relationship if I go snopping as soon as he's away and I'm second guessing everything he does. That we've been going on like this for years but he understands im angry. I think I must have been picking up on his feeling towards me all this time. He had just never said anything about not wanting me at all. Although I can see now his actions did.
He then says we cant sort this out while he's away and he will be back this evening. I feel he's not bothered and is blaming me for finding the messages. I am totally destroyed I feel so ill, I can barely eat and I feel crazy. Ive been looking after the kids and not coping at all with this info. He's home soon and I don't know what to do. Part of me wants to throw him out and part of me wants him to want to make it better. Is this an emotional affair,? I cant think properly.