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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex refusing to commit to regular contact

49 replies

Icandoanything · 13/01/2016 10:06

Ex and I have been split since June 2013. From that time to August 2014 his contact with DS (now 6) has been sporadic to say the least. He ignored my emails and tests asking to arrange consistent,regular contact and would usually just text the day before or on the day to ask to see him. He has mostly been unemployed during that period so it wasn't down to work that he wasn't seeing son,he just chose not to.

In August he instigated mediation where we agreed days and times for contact. All went well until Nov when he got a job and said he couldn't see son anymore as he would be busy in the run up to Christmas and is given no notice on when he works (he was working nights at a bakery). He saw him once in December on Christmas Day for 2 hours. I have asked about contact in the New Year and he said things at work should calm down in Jan and he'd let me know.

Well surprise surprise,it's now the 13th and I've not heard anything. The maintenance hes paying has halved so I know he's not working as many hours as he was in Jan.On Tuesday I emailed him saying I was fed up of waiting for him to arrange regular consistent contact with DS and not to contact me again til he could arrange this and stick to it.

He's emailed me tonight to say hes paid in the grand total of £ 15 (woo hoo!) And that he wants to take DS to a football game on 27th Feb. I replied saying considering that was over a month away and that I couldn't comment on whether DS would want to go as at the point in time,he might not have seen as since 25th Dec. I said that arranging regular contact he could maintain long term was more important than a one off visit.

Am I doing the right thing sticking to my guns and asking for regular contact to be arranged as opposed to a one off visit every 3 months? My son doesn't ask after his dad but does enjoy his time with him but I feel an absent father may be less harmful than one who drops in and out of his life. And I refuse to go back to Adhoc contact as I don't think it did any of us apart from ex any good

OP posts:

hippowithsuncreen · 13/01/2016 14:33

I am several years down the line with this. Exh saw the kids fortnightly, then monthly, then six monthly then not at all for six years.
The children are now teenagers but he has suddenly become interested in their lifes although sadly not financially as i knew he would when he thought they were at the 'easy bit' i.e they could cook and pick up after him and don't need physical care. His mates are all teenagers and he is 40,

I have been told that despite him wrecking their confidence abandoning them first time round he is entitled to walk back into their lifes and will get contact.

Offred · 13/01/2016 14:34

And the not knowing when working is easily solved - 'you are entitled in law to tell your boss that you have parenting commitments on xyz days and will not be available for work. I suggest that is what you do'

Original poster

Icandoanything · 13/01/2016 14:34

Thanks offred for clarifying that. So they won't see him asking to see him with less than 24 hours notice and me saying no as obstructive?

OP posts:

Offred · 13/01/2016 14:35

Hippo - if your kids are teenagers then they get to choose whether they see him or not, in the main.

Original poster

Icandoanything · 13/01/2016 14:37

So sad hippowithsuncreen, that's exactly what I'm afraid of happening with my lot.

Surely if they're teenagers, their feelings will be taken into account now? Did they used to ask after him a lot or were they not bothered when he did his disappearing act?

OP posts:

Offred · 13/01/2016 14:37

They shouldn't see anything as unreasonable if you can demonstrate that it is reasonable for you to refuse. You have explained it clearly - it causes DS anxiety and problems with your childcare. It is perfectly reasonable to expect him to fit his work around his childcare responsibilities, like a parent, isn't it? And to expect him to consider his son's welfare and interests in the contact he proposes by being regular, reliable and consistent...

Original poster

Icandoanything · 13/01/2016 14:40

offred I would have thought so, isn't that what most parents do. I've told my employers I can't go to certain schools due to being a lone parent. I've chosen to do supply work as a full time teaching role wouldn't fit in around his life and needs at the moment.

He does live in a different world to us, one only inhabited by himself and his rules!

OP posts:

Offred · 13/01/2016 14:41

If he took you to court they might make arrangements for regular contact during the case to give him an opportunity to stick to them. He will not be able to say "I can't make arrangements" when he is suing for an arrangement for contact will he? They will take a dim view of him not sticking to the arrangement made in mediation.

Offred · 13/01/2016 14:43

When they did that in my case x lied to court, made an arrangement, I said he could pick the times to suit him completely and I would work around him entirely, then he couldn't be bothered and never stuck to any of the arrangements that he made. In the end the court refused to make an order as they deemed the case to be vexatious as I had not obstructed contact (he was just a dick).

hippowithsuncreen · 13/01/2016 14:43

Oh they don't want to see him and have made that clear. I have said I will make them available but will not make them go which I fine.

In the six years he has been absent they have started hobbies and made friends and I resent them giving that up. One of them is quite serious in their hobby no way would they be told that they suddenly have to miss every other week.

Initially happy to see him, then not really bothered and in fact stressed about putting aside their stuff and not knowing I he would come.

For years they haven't even mentioned him.

Original poster

Icandoanything · 13/01/2016 14:43

That's what I think too. For the good part of a year, I worked to his adhoc arrangements, letting him see him 9/10 times, then he dropped off for weeks at a time. Took me to mediation, proposed something I had proposed several times, stuck to it for approx 63 days and then refused to commit to regular days again!

Personally I can't see believing his claim of not being able to give notice for contact with his child.

OP posts:

Goodbetterbest · 13/01/2016 14:44

Sorry to say OP this is a lose-lose for you. Allow him his as hoc ways with your DS and he'll never learn, will never be reliable and will always be really annoying.

Say no, and you're depriving your boy of contact with his father.

I agree with the pp who said you maybe need to take a more relaxed approach, but he really should be able to manage 24 hours notice.

Could you go back to mediation and get a court order for his contact?

Offred · 13/01/2016 14:45

I imagine that's what might happen here if he can even raise the funds to take you to court in the first place...

Is he aware of the new shared parenting provision? It comes secondary to the welfare test (looking at what is in the child's interests) but does he know that if he went to court they would look at the possibility of shared parenting where he has DS 50% of the time?

Original poster

Icandoanything · 13/01/2016 14:46

Yeah, I've been told by a solicitor if he does take me to court, all they'll do is look at the arrangements made in mediation and say, well you haven't stuck to them, so what do you want us to do?

OP posts:

Offred · 13/01/2016 14:47

He won't be able to force teenagers to see him hippo, not if they don't want to and with his track record.

Offred · 13/01/2016 14:52

I don't subscribe to the 'if you don't agree to his demands you are depriving DS of a parent' thinking btw. You can't force someone to be a parent and he is showing he CBA IMO.

I did put a lot of time and effort into XP and getting him to be reliable and he does see the DC every week but he still CBA being a parent. They watch TV with his wife while he plays computer games and then go for lunch at his mum's every week.

The DC feel angry and sad at him for it but still haven't yet given up.

I was frightened about XP disappearing then reappearing in their teens and leading them into bad stuff which is why I put effort into XP.

I basically followed the 'yes, you can if you..' Pattern and had several stern talks with XP about the effect on the DC and also at one point said to him if he didn't step up he should consider allowing my h to adopt them, he did step up a bit more after that and had seen them every Sunday since.

Offred · 13/01/2016 14:58

At one point he wanted to take them to Spain for two weeks with his abusive alcoholic mother. He had not had them overnight for years at that point so I said 'well I think this upcoming planned holiday is too soon, obviously I have concerns about your mother's drinking and I don't think it would be wise to go with her, but there is no reason why you couldn't do that. However, given they are not used to even sleeping over with you for one night never mind being in another country and they are only 5 and 6, why don't we do a regular overnight, building up to some weekends, maybe you could take them away in this country first etc' he never bothered... Too much hard work.

Offred · 13/01/2016 15:01

He does keep promising to take them camping, for a weekend to Alton towers etc but never does it. They are angry because his excuse is that he is skint (because mummy takes all his money - through deduction of earnings order for several non-payments with arrears added) but he puts on Facebook his holidays and trips with his wife and friends so they think he is a liar who CBA with them.

Offred · 13/01/2016 15:02

But that's the truth really...

Offred · 13/01/2016 15:11

And I've said almost exactly the same things to my unreliable mother, which helps, he sees it is reasonable not just me being mean, she wanted to take them to Norway on holiday (on a whim) recently...

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 13/01/2016 15:37

You said you've told him not to contact you unless it is to arrange mediation or he has regular contact times/days that he can maintain long term.

Just because he is ignoring that doesn't mean you have to. Take back the control.

Every single time he gets in contact repeat the above like a parrot until he gets the message.

Maybe add in a key phrase about stable arrangements being best for the child, as agreed in mediation.

LovesPeace · 13/01/2016 15:55

Offred - you are serial monoposting!

Original poster

Icandoanything · 13/01/2016 16:03

Thanks all,I really appreciate your thoughts and ideas on this.

That's pretty much what I do when he emails. Well the two times he's asked to see him since December 25th! I know in my gut I'm doing right by my son,but I always worry about the legality.

My cousin has two teens and went through something very similar when she split with their dad. She said the amount of threats he made about court and contact,she wished she'd told him to crack on,as he never followed most through. And the ones he did,he never had a leg to stand on anyway. She said as long as I wasn't obstructingcontact,which I'm not,im just asking for it to be regular and maintained then I'm doing the right thing.

OP posts:

girlsmum1510 · 13/01/2016 16:16

Hi I too am several years into the same situation. My ex walked away for nearly a year, hasn't done any school holidays for nearly three years, but does regularly do two nights a month now. Not without pressure though and being very very firm about regular contact.

It is very hard to accept but I do it for my children. He does no parenting and I assume sees them more to ease own guilt than anything else. At least he can say he bothered.
We too have a court order that orders three time more than what he actually bothers with but it isn't worth the paper it's printed on.
He does what suits himself and whoever his latest lady is. The current one is the reason they see him so little at present, they weren't even invited to his wedding 😞.

I think you should make dc available on the agreed dates, everything else say no. But ultimately do what's right for your child, they all deal with it in different ways. Xx

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