Please just be honest with me... What the hell do I do???
Am I just a stupid? Or is he the one with issues? Sorry that this may come out as a long rant but I feel so alone and afraid. I have no friends left and so I'm turning to you guys for some moral support. I've left out a lot of info that might out me and hence this account. But I feel the need to "off load" so I apologise!!!
We've been together for 2 and a half years after meeting online, both are in our early 30's and in professional, well paid jobs. I'm a vet.
When we first met, he was this affectionate, devoted man. He had loads of time for me, really fun, everything I could have wanted... Or so I thought!
Back then, I would get the train every weekend and travel over 100 miles each way to see him and stay with him in the city where he was living and this went on for about 12 months.
He once explained that he would never be the type to cheat as his father had done this to his mother and then explained that his previous girlfriend had cheated on him and knows how much it hurt. (I'm mentioning it as I'm wondering if this has had some sort of effect on him.)
We moved in together about a year into the relationship. I moved to the capital to be with him and found a salaried job. Leaving behind my rural family practice over a 100 miles away.
This house was rented in his name and I'd pay him my share of rent on time every month, plus buy food for us, clean the flat, cook his dinner every night etc but I suffer from depression and went through a patch where I struggled to get out of bed. He started calling me lazy, fat, slob etc. This is when the trouble really started. My job in itself is mentally taxing, but the grief at home was adding to it. I told him I was leaving, but he locked me in, barricaded the door and cried. I stayed.
Every single week he would invite his mum or sisters round every weekend or he'd go to his hometown around 50 miles away if they weren't able to come up, but if I wanted to travel to see my mum, he'd get the hump and guilt trip me.
I told him I was unhappy, depressed.
He told me that we would go our separate ways once the rental contract expires as it was my "duty" to him to see it out and not to leave him in the sh*t. I stayed here for 12 months in total (been together 2 years by now).
I found myself a new job on the other side of the city and an animal friendly flat (which is entirely in my name) and at the eleventh hour, he decided he was going to move in as he hadn't found anywhere else to go.
Since that day, (6 months ago) things have taken a turn for the worse. The day after moving his things in he reported that he would be moving out very soon as "he was too good to be living in an ex council place" as he "shouldn't have to on his salary" Yet 6 month later, he's still there. I found this very insulting. He grew up on a council estate. I earn more than him, I've had a very privileged life and yet I don't see the problem with ex authority! And in all honesty, it's all I could afford on my own in the capital!
Other things...
He doesn't pay me any rent on time (I don't need his money, it's the principle) though he will contribute towards bills.
He called me a "f*ing c**t for making his steak medium instead of well done. I don't eat meat, I tried my best. He threw a hissy fit and stormed off to the bedroom.
He's completely rigid and totally inflexible. If you move a goal post he can't handle it. He gets really worked up. For example, I want to go to Tesco tomorrow at 8pm, however if I say I need to go today at 4pm, he will throw a wobbly.
He's extremely tight fisted, for example he'll buy milk or toilet rolls and then ask me to transfer him 50p or £2 for my share. He never wants to eat out (despite me loving it) as he thinks it's a "waste of money" and I should cook at home. If we have a falling out and he has (rarely) paid for something such as for my birthday, I will hear about it, such as "you ungrateful tw*t, don't forget I paid £60 bill!" when I spend more than that on groceries every week and don't ask for his contribution. If I do ask, he'll make excuses not to pay. He isn't short of money, he's just been on a very luxurious holiday with his mates.
I'm sure he checks my phone and emails and snoops through my receipts crisising my purchases. He constantly tries to catch me out (when I've done nothing wrong) but I'm always so scared I'm now lying about stupid things such as how much I spent on my frying pan!
He constantly criticises my mum and my kid brother who's 18 (my dads died, so he can't critique him). Says he won't visit my mum's house because it's dirty with the animals and will constantly lecture me about it and have a dig at my brother saying he's useless for not being academic, wearing "chavvy" clothes from Topman, smoking cigarettes, basically anything he can think of and he hardly knows my brother! I don't understand what it's got to do with him! Baring in mind, he won't slag mum or brother off to their faces but is extremely hostile towards them that even they've stopped visiting me. (They don't know the extent of the situation with him).
Worst day of all, I was working a 12 hour shift on Xmas day and then back into work Boxing Day too which was planned months in advance as I was covering the emergency rota. He said we'd have Xmas dinner at 9pm when I got home, he'd buy everything and me not to worry. But I found out from his sister on Xmas eve after he didn't come home from work that he was at his mums and had taken MY dog and was going to spend Xmas with his family and stay there for a week. When I asked him why he didn't tell me he said "well there's no point, you're gonna pretty much miss Xmas anyway" and I should have my mum to come down (pointless asking her to drive a 4 hour round trip as I was back in work at 9am). I spent Xmas completely alone, not even my own dog to keep me company. Am I making a big deal out of it? Or am I being selfish for wanting him to spend some Xmas day with me at our home??
Whenever I ask him to move out, he will have an argument, cry, apologise, tell me he loves me and will be nice for about a day.
On the contrary, he also keeps saying he'll move out when he gets a job closer to his mum, I've helped him apply for more than 20 which takes up a lot of my time and yet tonight when I said I had my own things to do tonight (I've got reports to write for work), told me I could be a "right c*nt at times" now he's stormed off to the bedroom and is crying.
He's threatened to make my "life hell" if I leave him.
Why I haven't left...
I'm alone in this city, I have no friends or family here. I'm worried as to what he might do to me/himself if he moved out.
I haven't packed up and gone back to mum's as I'm now a partner in a practice so I don't want to give that up.
I don't know how to get him out of MY flat and honestly, I have such low self esteem now, I'm just putting up with this sh*t.
Thank you so much for even opening this thread. Putting it on "paper" makes it all seem clearer.