Very intense friend

[BetteDavis01]

Hi, could really do with some advice please. I have a friend, who is a school gate mum friend who I really like but I'm finding her very intense and it's all getting too much.

I'm an introvert and just cannot cope with the non stop chatting at school drop off and pick up, in addition to the stream of text messages I get during the day, asking me What I'm up to, moaning about stuff and general chit chat. I really like her but I can't cope with it.

How can I calm things down a bit without offending her? I dropped my DC's off this morning and then quickly dashed off. This resulted in her texting me ' are you ok?' 'Where were you this morning?'

She's even begun to invade my weekends. If I say I'm going some where she comes along to with her family.

It sounds ridiculous, but I'm feeling stressed and a bit panicky, every time my phone goes off, I get a feeling of dread in my stomach. Help!

Oh god you've got a limpet. Back away slowly!

Maybe chat to other people at school fairly often (I know you value the quiet but this is a good way to wean her off gently).

Ignore the texts or reply very late. Maybe mention how busy you are / don't look at texts when working or something.

Have you already stopped sharing weekend plans?

Just generally be a bit less available.

A few tips:
1- wear earphones
2- never respond immediately to texts and when you do sound casual but non committal -"hiya sorry v busy just seen phone" "Catching up with some old friends hope all's well"

3 - if she asks you about your weekend ignore then text when you are on your way or there "with family - have a great weekend"
4 - with the stream of texts just ignore as long as possible

I'm emotionally drained by her!

I'm not surprised. How hard is it to change phone number

I guess some people love this level of intensity but I don't! I'm such an introvert! Ok, I'm gonna drop & run again tomorrow!

Another tip is to take your phone and have a fake conversation as you walk off - allows you to smile and wave and keep walking.

Thanks iguana! Good advice!

Unless she phones you. Block her number on text as well.

Make a point about how hectic your weeks are and how much you value family time at the weekend.

Stop telling her what you are doing at the weekend

Be on the phone at drop off

Take up running and run back from the school run

Just ignore chatty type texts and drop into conversation you don't look at your phone for much of the day

I am an extrovert and quite friendly and chatty but that would be a bit much for me!

If you block her number it will just ring out on her side. She won't know.

Stop telling her your plans for starters!

Delay replying to text messages for several hours at first and then extend to longer period e.g not until the next day. If the text message is just a moan and not a direct question then consider not replying at all.

Drop and run at school so you can avoid her.

I sympathise - some years ago, I had a similar situation with a mum at toddler group. We got on well but she was v intense and demanding.

I just kept putting her off and made no more plans with her.

Eventually, she just stopped speaking to me and after that she just ignored me.

I agree about being on the phone and arriving last minute for a while.

BetteDavis01 I was this very intense friend for some time. Somehow I was trying to feel a void left by an emotionally absent and cold mother. I know this through therapy. I now know nobody will ever be able to fully fill this emotional void and I just have to live with it.
One friend helped me by telling me how it made her feel my constant latching on. In the end her partner even made her choose between him and me. She chose him and did me a huge favour. I also wasn't happy with my marriage and I feel much more self-reliant since divorcing.
Nothing that you do will ever be enough for her. But you can have a good talk with her, tell her how she makes you feel suffocated, ask her what void she wants you to fill, and advise her to work it out in therapy. She will probably not be your friend again after but you might have done her a huge favour. She clearly has no emotional boundaries.

mum2mum99 I could have written your post - are you sure we don't have the same mother?

I too used to be an overly intense friend, I now realise (after therapy) that I had no boundaries, I had no limit in terms of how close I wanted to get to my friends, which they would experience as a 'pressure' and back off which made it a vicious circle.

I think it is also because (prob due to emotionally distant mother) I didn't have many friends at school and missed out on that time when you do have a really close, intense relationship with a friend. For example I didn't really have best friend, which the other girls did, or a group of friends - or if I did I was on the edge of it - so as an adult part of me was always looking to recapture that.

Luckily I have now had therapy and learned to be ok with my own company and to have boundaries with friends, i no longer want to be everyone's best friend.

OP- Just saying all this to give you a perspective on why your friend may be like she is. However, if you are giving 'back off' signals and she is not accepting them you will just have to fade her out. Stop making any contact. She may b receptive to a talk, she may not. A lot of people are in denial about themselves, she may not be ready to hear the truth. So I'd only talk to her if she asks you first.

I'd imagine that once she gets the message she will reject you back and not want to hang out any more.

Best of luck

If you do pretend to be on the phone make sure it's switched to silent:)

Wear sunglasses at all times, and don't mention plans " we haven't decided yet"

If she texts to see if you're ok, ignore it and when she asked say " oh, sorry, I thought you'd texted the wrong person/ I'm fine, just busy"

Really interesting to hear mum2 and maggie perspective, as I also have a very needy friend who has no boundaries. Her mum was also very cold when she was a child, which would explain a lot.