Welcome back Mrs CC. How are you feeling (healthwise). Ear infections can be so debilitating.
I have to endorse what a previous poster said - well done to you to for working as a team in these unusual and stressful circumstances.
DH has gone over today to speak to the funeral home I think - that's a good move because the Funeral Director will want to know the 'family's wishes' so that they can get on with things. To have the widower and the two sons in the same room at the same time makes it so much easier for them to organise. One person will have to sign off the arrangements and to agree that they cover costs (probably your FIL - but may be your BIL if FIL is not able to cover within about 3 months even when MIL's estate is sorted).
Now don't worry about costs - stay out of it as far as you can. You may want to afford a flower arrangement from your DH, you and DCs (it depends on what they have agreed about flowers). If it is a cremation, I always think ONE single tribute is enough - from widower and family - but two at the most (Widower and then a separate ONE from sons and their families).
I allowed only TWO for my DH - mine and his DSis/family. My SIL desperately wanted her own flower arrangement on DH's coffin and I respected that wish. We actually went to the florists together (she travelled 90 miles to choose her own flowers and to be involved in the funeral arrangements with me and we were so respectful of each other). We weren't buddy-buddy in-laws, and we had LC because of distance, but I knew she loved her only-brother in a special way.
(Donations to a charity rather than flowers that are disposed of within 24 hours. )
Interments (burials) are different. The grieving widower will look at how many flowers are placed on the grave. That happened with my DH's mother who died before we were married. FIL didn't want any problems on the day from distant relatives because they had kept the separation from the 1st marriage a secret for 4 years. So, everyone had to send separate tributes. SIL sent from her, DH sent from him, BIL sent, ex-wife sent, 2 x grandchildren sent and then I sent separately. I bet that confused the hell out of everyone! I was very much part of MIL's life before we were married (we had to wait the 5 yrs for a non-contested divorce) and FIL knew it had to be carefully managed because of the secret.
SIl is a solicitor so is helping with the legal stuff That is a great bonus. Let her do it! If there is no will, it is simple probate which takes about 6 months. My DH and I made our wills when he was diagnosed terminal and none of us spotted that our first endowment insurance (for the mortage when we were buying our first marital home) was still in my maiden name. Of course the mortgage insurance was taken out in maiden name because we were BUYING for our married life. Anyway, even though we didn't correct that mistake in 1981 when we did marry, it was 6 months to sorting it in 2001. (I still don't know how I changed every bank account etc to my married name and forgot about that endowment insurance policy!) But trust me, it was still simple to go through probate.
DH is remarkably calm, with a couple of outbreaks of tears Of course Mr CC has already done a stage of grieving - but it will never be as complex as the grieving he has to face now. There was always a chance of 'fixing' and nobody had died. It was his choice to be NC. Reconciliation is now not a possibility. Please try to understand that this is the final grief for his mother. I believe you are a strong team and will come through this together.
I recall when one of my NC brothers died (a brother who I had supported for years until his DV started to spill into my home when he 'needed a break') The wonderful MNetter called CognitoErgo (or CognitoInErgo?) was my life-line that night and she reminded me that NC is not taken lightly, but MUST always be right where there are no regrets. I managed my NC-brother's funeral with my head held high. My family expected me to be there - and I had a right to be there because of my past support.
We spent some time last night and this morning discussing possible outcomes. such as Fil demanding more time It is actually good - and a sign of a strong team - that you are already able to discuss the "What if...." No decisions should be made in the early stages of grief. They are often the wrong decisions. But Mr CC may need to 'bond' again with the remainder of his family for his own well-being. My DH stepped up his family visits to his LC sister after their Mum died. That was not a local journey, but it made him feel good to connect. (And if you see above - the LC sister desperately needed to be involved in my DH's funeral). Low Contact with his DSis was the best way for my DH to go after the death of his DM (1981) and then the death of his DF (1992).
It is still early days for both of you - and the other members of your family.
Get through the funeral together - and if you are not well enough to go, then you must give yourself full permission NOT to go.
I will continue to hold you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. 