Differing views of MIL. Can we survive this?

[boodlekazam]

Long story short.
I have had issues with MIL since falling pregnant with DD 3 years ago. Intrusive behaviour, critical of parenting, assuming, sucks our energy and time, won't listen, rude... etc etc

The final occasion she upset me by interfering in our finances I made it clear to DH that I did not want to spend long periods of time in her company.

Fast forward 12 months and DH and MIL wants us all to go on holiday together. I find her intimidating and overwhelming to the point of feeling sick. I've said no. I know I shouldn't let her affect me the way she does but cannot change the fact. He's mad at me, thinks I need to move on and MIL is all disappointed of course. He thought I'd grow more tolerant of her over time, but the opposite is the truth. I find her a dreadful dreadful woman.
DH is hurting and I can see us separating. Is there a way for our marriage to survive this?
I've read toxic inlaws, followed all the advice and seemingly had DH on board, but time appears to loosen his boundaries and make him forget.

Can we find a way to stay together like this?

I think one night would be a reasonable compromise, if you can bear it. I find my PILs annoying but putting up with them for a night is completely different from a week's holiday.

Yes, it would be hard work after a while when you are trying to well, not be yourself, even if you are feeling OK.

What is she like with others who aren't your husband?

Because obviously if she can be not rude to them, then she can to you!

Does she ignore others or cut them off?

And then sometimes you think well what's the point of sayingit again orwhatever if they don't want to talk to you.

My sister can be like this.

She's not rude & doesn't cut me off but sometimes you can see that she wants to hold court again!

As the good book says 'leave your father and mother and cleave to your wife'. That's what marriage is supposed to be - he hasn't left his mother/family so how can he cleave to his wife?

Not to throw another spanner in the works:
DH and I are not married. It's just easier to refer to him as DH on MN as I don't want the opinions on the fact to occupy the thread. I guess this creates some problems where leaving and cleaving is concerned. It actually creates all sorts of problems!

So in her eyes, you are not his wife and therefore not as important as she is?

No excuse for her rudeness. You are the mother of her grandchild and for that reason alone, she ought to be civil. Like I said upthread, she wouldn't be getting any access to my child until her behaviour improved.

As for your dp (and it is relevant that he is not a dh, because he has sent her no visible sign that he is fully committed to you ), if he was mine I would be insisting that he dealt with this properly or I would be reconsidering our long term future. A relationship is worth nothing without respect - his job in the relationship is to care for you and defend you and love you. He is not demonstrating any of these qualities at present and I think you have to insist on change or leave.

So he's married to his mother/family?

That's shit then.

On another note, how are you financially should you split?

My exMIL tried to treat me like yours is. It turned out she wanted exH to divorce me. Luckily that's exactly what happened.

I do wonder if MIL is trying to play us off against each other at times and would prefer it if we split. She would be guaranteed unlimited access to DD when in DH's care during the week, at present I keep her at a distance. She hates it.

Financially, I would struggle, I work but reduced my hours and dropped responsibilities after DD was born. When DD goes to school I can gain these back again possibly, but that won't be for another 18 months. I'd love to use that time to make things work and don't want to leave unless necessary. The way things are unfolding though, separation is beginning to look likely. DH won't perceive things differently and I feel how I feel about MIL. She has a rudeness about her with a lot of people, but I very much struggle with it and wouldn't be close to my own.parents if they were so dismissive of me, why should I join in endeavouring to be close to his?

The simple answer is that you shouldn't.
So given that you don't want to leave (at least not yet), then your best strategy is to continue keeping her at arms length. So definitely no to holidays or long visiting at her house - take your own car or meet her in a public place where you can just pick up your dd and leave if she is rude. Do not make seeing her, at your expense, convenient for your dp. And while you are together, don't allow your dd to visit her without you. No manners = no unsupervised (by you) access to your child.

I would be looking at ways to get my financial independence back sooner rather than later. Unmarried sahm are in a very vulnerable position, financially.