Feeling so alone and fed up as DH leaves everything to me

[cranberrycheeseadict]

I have namechanged for this.

DH and I have been together for 14 years. I have a DC from a previous relationship, who is 18, and we have 2 DCs together who are 8 and 5.

DH pulled his weight before we had our first child together, was ok-ish after she was born but really since then he has got lazier and lazier, lounging around all the time unless he is doing something he wants to do, and leaving everything to me.

I know it probably sounds mad but I feel quite lonely and also overwhelmed that everything is left to me all the time. He will never say "come on kids, get your bikes, we'll go for a bike ride" or play with the DCs, or do anything organisational at all. And of course he does nothing in the house. At all.

When I gave birth to our youngest child I was quite poorly afterwards having had a PPH, and literally while I was in hospital DH did nothing. I came home from hospital to a house with no food in, that hadn't been cleaned or tidied in the slightest, no laundry done, nothing. And I was expected to just fit back into the routine of food shopping, cooking, cleaning. After my PPH my iron levels were so low I could barely think straight, let alone start to plan meals etc. I would just have loved a few days of DH taking everything in hand, and me just being able to rest and recover. He had a week off work but spent the whole time playing computer games and doing things he wanted to do.

Yesterday I came down with a bad cold/cough/temperature and spent the whole day feeling awful until mid afternoon when I gave in and went to lay down. DH did absolutely nothing to prepare for today even though I was ill, and still am ill today (I took the day off work as I have no voice and feel rough). I just felt overwhelmed and tearful this morning coming downstairs to mess, muck, literally nothing had been done to get kids school stuff ready for today.

Like I said, I would just love one Sunday morning for him to get up and just announce he's going to take the kids out/do an activity with them, or even for him to him to just start preparing a meal at a mealtime. I have to think for everyone and it is seriously pissing me off.

I am starting to think that I would be better off on my own with the kids, as his lounging around and apathetic attitude just grinds me down.

I left a relationship because of this kind of crap
I marriage is a partnership in which each partner contributes and it isn't a get out when people work outside the home
You should have equal leisure and I'm guessing you have very little
The behaviour when you came out of hospital and when you are ill is inexcusable and totally negligent
What are you teaching your children about how a family works?

I know, Mrskeats, that's what bothers me!

My girls will think it's normal to be treated like crap by males and my son will think that as an adult he gets to do whatever he wants as he doesn't have to 'do' family life.

You really don't have to put up with this - but it sounds like you already know that. I suspect the whole marriage/kids/family isn't really what he wants .

Yes I think children carry on the patterns they see around them
What will you do?

Cran Hope you don't mind me asking, but what is your income split as a % of the total household income, and do you have a joint bank account.

It's just, don't get me wrong had a joint account with DH before the flood when Noah built his ark, but in your position, with his attitude that 'he' earns the money and that's job done and the rest is up to you, to behave like a 60s housewife and treat your income as 'pin money' even if it's say £40k pa, and open a bank in your name and have your income paid into it, and not make any contribution to household finances.

He might realise he's being a prat - don't engage and try to convince him to change verbally, as he just doesn't see it. It would seem to be a waste of breath and emotional energy that you could better use on yourself.

There's a small chance that facing the reality of being the breadwinner while you fritter away your 'pin money' on frivolities leaving him short of the readies to buy more computer games might give him a sufficiently hard kick where it hurts to make him grow up.

Funny how men from homes where their dm didn't work sometimes expect their wives/partners to do everything their mothers did while going out to work and bringing in £x,000pa. Talking about wanting their cake and eating it.

DH is 66. He sometimes does most of the cooking - I have an auto-immune disorder that flares up under stress leaving me knackered, all the washing and the lion's share of household jobs. His pension is 8x mine due to an unfortunate combination of circumstances, but he's never once suggested his larger income gives him a get out of housework free card. And I'm 7 years younger than him too, at ages where the difference starts to be felt.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Sorry about the lack of punctuation in the 2nd para - I've existed on 2hours sleep a night for the last 10 days and I knew what I was trying to say, just didn't quite make it due to lack of sleep.

Nope. I would not sit him down and discuss anything. I really wouldn't waste my breath. It would be an utterly pointless exercise.

I would make my plans, take advice, and when the time was deemed optimum end this 'relationship'.

There is a thread on Chat about a woman who has a tapeworm. I have far more affection for her parasite than yours.

Get rid.

My XH was like this. Life with two teens and without him is so much easier. As someone else said, while the work is the same my resentment is gone, and I can now see what he has lost from being this way. And I am free from his anger and moodiness. We have far lighter, happier house, even though money is tight.

In my case I have come to realise he wanted a mother not a partner. Sad but true.

Good luck OP, life can be easier than this.