Estranged family and emotions at christmas

[HoraceWimp]

This year I feel so guilty. I am convincing myself all the upset is/was my fault.

You know if I just picked up the phone, things would be ok?

Ridiculous. But does anyone else do the same?

Ah but was it your fault? There is maybe blame on both sides? Am in similar situation, but I believe myself to be in the right and I won't be picking the phone up I can tell you!

Or maybe it wasn't your fault but theirs but you have always been the one in the family to shoulder the blame (like me) so you can easily slip back into assuming that role when you are feeling a bit down?

I am in the same position but relieved I don't have to put up with the farce of being with people who treat me like crap and use me as the family scapegoat under the guise of loving me.

Want to tell us what happened? I think you both came on my thread before and offered support but didn't give details.

Pick up the phone, even if you know you're right! Life's too short and you obviously feel rotten about it.

Hope it works out

Excellent post, Pages. I think it's true that when you're used to being blamed for everything, you eventually start blaming yourself for things too even when you know you're not in the wrong.

Thanks, Coppertop, and I think those of us who have lived with truly toxic families don't subscribe to the "life is too short" theory. That is nothing more than a time-worn cliche. I believe that our own lives are too short to live them making other people (who don't value us) happy at our own expense. I for one feel liberated and relieved at not having to carry on the farce of pretending to be happy around my family, even though I am still getting used to the situation.

As someone on my thread said, even though it is an upsetting situation in some ways (because it had to come to this and we would have welcomed any other way of dealing with it than this) there was no other option open to us. For me the flip side of the loss of family members including my mum is the rebuilding of my self-esteem. I was at the bottom of the pecking order in my family along with my older brother and I now surround myself with people who treat me with respect and as an equal. Staying "in" with my family was not compatible with maintaining my own self-respect.

I don't know your situation HW but by saying "ridiculous" it sounds like you are saying that you know you have done the right thing but can't help feeling bad about it at certain times?

Btw if a partner or husband mistreated you and emotionally abused you would people insist that you stay with him and that "life is too short"? Why is it any different with your parents or siblings?

"Life's too short" may be a "nothing other than a time-worn cliche" but it's not a bad way to live and works for a lot of people, myself included. I know we will never agree on this so suggest we agree to differ.

IMO All families have differences at some point. If they can be overcome by using cliche don't think there's anything wrong with that.

If my partner was abusive I would leave him as I live with him on a daily basis. If I fell out badly with a sibling or a parent I would like to think that I would try to keep the peace as in my case I don't have to see them every day and I for one believe that noone is all bad or "toxic" (what an odd word!)

I no longer fully subscribe to the "life's too short" theory and I don't come from a toxic by nature family. I now think that if they (parents and grandparents) cannot be bothered then that is their loss and their issue. Not mine as I will not take ownership of it.

Not every family argument or dysfunction (particularly that issue) can be resolved by cliche, some of it is too deeply ingrained within their own pysche to be resolved in such a manner. What if the Mother for want of a better turn is mentally unstable (as some of these toxic family members undoubtedly are?).

Would you also say that dysfunctional families do not exist?. Such families certainly exist.

Yours also agreeing to differ.

Wishing you a Happy Christmas

why on earth would I say that dysfunctional families don't exist? I can truly say that I don't know any that "function" in the happy sparkly way that is fed to us ad nauseam at this time of year.

I also didn't say that every argument can be resolved by cliche, juist that if it helps, then imo that's great.

I don't think we differ on anything

OMG I didn't realise that was you Fio or that you were talking from personal experience on my thread. You said you had cut off from some family members but didn't say who so I assumed it was extended family - assume now it is your dad then?

It IS hard when you feel a bit low and partiuclarly at this time of year to remind yourself that you are doing the right thing but as someone (Greensleeves I think) said on my thread, just imagine waking up and things being back as they were before you had the moment of realization that led to you cutting off from them and then tell yourself you really want to pick up the phone.

I know for myself I could not put myself back in that situation.

Zookeeper, of course you are entitled to your opinion, and I do take your point about not living with them everyday the way you do with a DH, but for me the wounds they inflicted are so deep that even occasional contact on the old terms would be enough to set me back 6 months or worse. I agree "Toxic" is a funny term but it is one that is very fitting for the type of family that some of use grew up in, ie. insidiously harmful like a slow releasing poison.