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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Any advice appreciated

47 replies

Penguin2016 · 11/01/2016 06:57

Hi, not sure why I am posting, but here goes...
Huge problems in my relationship. We broke up over christmas due to drunken arguing. We reconciled last week, and had a great few days. However, on Saturday evening, I was accused of flirting with someone else (I wasn't). Cue him pinching my leg so hard my eyes watered, then him putting his hands around my throat and shoving me.
He got shoved back by a friend of a friend who I was accused of flirting with... I then went home as I was extremely upset.
Since then, I have had abusive texts etc. This is not the first time he has been violent (I know, I know). But I know that I am innocent in all this as I did nothing wrong. And now he is completely ignoring me, sending me vile messages, etc.
I just know that I love him, and I don't understand how he can be so cruel. Why would you do this to someone you 'love'? Sorry, rambling here, not really sure what I am trying to achieve, it's just quite nice to be able to vent about it.
I am pretty sure he has bi polar or something, as he overreacts constantly over nothing, and is jealous and paranoid all the time.
I have had no sleep because I have been worrying and stressed over this (obviously we don't live together), and I have to go to work in an hour... Feeling empty and gutted, and not sure where to turn.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 11/01/2016 12:15

Penguin the important thing if that you recognise it now.

My previous partner raped me and I never saw it/him for what it was and faught to keep him. Now, I can't understand it but back then I couldn't see it. Sad

Jan45 · 11/01/2016 12:22

Sounds like you have wised up, what an absolute cowardly excuse for a man, most men don't do this OP, whether you love him or not, he's not right and god knows what else he will do to you, salvage your self respect and get rid, I am sure your family and friends have already told you this.

Original poster
Penguin2016 · 11/01/2016 12:24

joysmum I am so sorry to hear that. Makes me feel a bit pathetic really, things could be a lot worse. I hope you are ok now and with someone who deserves you. Yes, my friends warned me from the beginning about him. I should have listened. I am a complete idiot. He is not english, and I just thought maybe it was cultural differences with the jealousy and paranoia. But now my eyes are wide open, and I can see that his behaviour is not normal in the slightest. I feel so pathetic.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 11/01/2016 12:42

WA can help to educate for future relationships.
Give them a call and talk to them about counselling in your area and also about attending the Freedom Programme.
I'm not surprised to hear about your childhood.
It's how most of this happens.
But you can break the cycle.
WA and then take it from there.
Please stay single until you have at least completed the Freedom Programme.

Friendlystories · 11/01/2016 12:42

You're not pathetic but you do need to look into the reasons you ended up in this kind of relationship. Google the Freedom Programme and your area to find a local provider, if nothing else it will help answer the questions you have going round in your head and will help you make good choices in the future so you don't end up in this situation again. It will teach you to recognise abusive partners early on so your next relationship is a healthy one, definitely worth doing if your examples of relationships weren't great growing up. None of this is your fault but you can learn to protect yourself from this kind of man and now is a good time to start.

Joysmum · 11/01/2016 13:02

It was 26 years ago. My DH is the most amazing man ever Smile

You're not stupid or pathetic, shouldering those judgements of yourself is again accepting blame for something that's not yours shoulder.

As I said before, the important thing is that you understand now and what you're going to do to heal from this?

Original poster
Penguin2016 · 11/01/2016 14:04

Glad to hear that joys I understand that I need to move on. But I am not sure where to start... Sorry, I sound really defeatist.

OP posts:
mix56 · 11/01/2016 14:11

You may "love" him, (Love is often a seriously over rated emotion !!!) but he obviously doesn't love you, Keep away from this tosser. Thank your lucky stars you don't live together, you are not dependent on him, & have no kids together. Move on. block his calls/mails/ you know this will end badly.

Original poster
Penguin2016 · 11/01/2016 14:52

I do, I really do. He wants to meet later to talk. This is a terrible idea isn't it?

OP posts:
mix56 · 11/01/2016 15:40

well don't sodding DON'T talk to him. you broke up over Xmas, he is a drunk, he is vicious, he is dangerous...... JOG ON.....Why would you talk to someone who had their hand round your throat ? Please imagine this was your friend or your sister, or daughter....just for one minute. The guy is a LOSER

category12 · 11/01/2016 15:48

Yes it's a terrible idea, because he'll persuade you to try again.

And maybe for a while it will be good, and then he'll hurt you again. Maybe worse. Maybe hospitalise you.

Maybe you'll learn ways of defusing him, maybe it'll "just" be walking on eggshells around him for evermore. Maybe the good times will seem worth it, maybe he'll make promises. He might even stick to them for a while. Until he doesn't.

And you'll feel embarrassed to come back, so you'll come back under another name, when he does it again.

AnyFucker · 11/01/2016 15:58

This is a terrible idea isn't it?

Yes. You would be utterly foolish to do that. I have a feeling you will though Sad

Original poster
Penguin2016 · 11/01/2016 16:03

Sorry, had a wobble. I absolutely categorically will not meet him. Have blocked his number, and obviously he has blocked me from social media. So no chance of contact. I shall keep my head high and try not to think about things. More than can be said for him. Getting angry now, who the hell does he think he is????? What right does he have to do that sort of thing???? Argh.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 11/01/2016 16:03

Cue him pinching my leg so hard my eyes watered, then him putting his hands around my throat and shoving me.

OP, please keep reading above - do you really want to be back on here again with a black eye next time - he won't change, it's not love, it's control, I actually felt sick when I read above, the fact he then went on to ignore you proves 100% he doesn't even have any guilt or regret for physically attacking you - that's not normal OP, you must know that.

mix56 · 11/01/2016 16:06

Little point asking for help, advice & support, if you don't listen ?

Original poster
Penguin2016 · 11/01/2016 16:06

I know jan, I know. Seriously, how are these individuals produced? I've met his mum, she seemed perfectly normal. But clearly he gets it from somewhere? And there is a bruise on my leg from the pinch, nice. Plus a scratch on my forehead from the shove. Even nicer. Not.

OP posts:
Original poster
Penguin2016 · 11/01/2016 16:08

I am listening. Just needed to check that it wasn't me being mad, which he told me was the case. Just to verify that it is abuse, and that it is not normal. My confidence and self esteem has taken a massive hit. But thank you for all your support and for clarifying that it is mad behaviour. That gives me more strength.

OP posts:
mix56 · 11/01/2016 19:50

Good girl......Keep it up

TapasGirl · 11/01/2016 20:46

I rarely post but have to say please listen to all the sound advice you are receiving here (sounds like you are). Take time to work on yourself either through counselling or as others are saying WA. If you can learn to like yourself the rest will follow, I promise you that. You can do it. Please keep us updated and come back to the Mumsnet if you feel yourself weakening to this scum bag.

Morasssassafras · 12/01/2016 08:31

It is abuse. I'm only too well aware how it can feel when you realise you have been abused. Denial and minimising are perfectly natural but ultimately not helpful responses.

Unfortunately if you have experiences of unhealthy relationships it is all too easy not to spot the early signs in a new partner. This is also because abusers don't all abuse in the same way. I'd recommend 'Why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft as a starting point.

I get why you're reluctant to bother women's aid. You think you're fine now. He's out of the picture and you can move on. In reality you'll likely just push it to the back of your mind and won't do the work so that you can avoid this in the future. I know I didn't. It was worse the second time.

The phone call to women's aid is free. All you have to lose by ringing is a little time 0808 2000 247 - they can signpost you to the right support for you.

Jan45 · 12/01/2016 17:10

Yes you are doing great.

Ask yourself, if your daughter posted that what would you advise, so angry on your behalf, this is not a man OP, it's a very weak individual who gets off on hurting you, that's definitely not love.

tb · 13/01/2016 19:21

Paranoia when drunk, or from someone who drinks heavily, can be a symptom of alcoholism.

Whatever, he's broken, you can't mend him.

Echo the others - counselling/Freedom programme and until you've sorted the demons from the past, stay unattached - for the good of your own health.

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