Is harmless flirting harmless?

[tobbay]

I have met a new man and we have been dating about a month so still getting yo know each other but all the signs look good.

However, a friend of his is cheating so we got on to that subject and he said "I harmless flirt all the time". I don't really believe in that if you are with someone so asked him about it.

He said if he sees an attractive girl he will have a look and think "nice are etc" and he says there is a woman (among others) who he "harmless flirts" with at work. She is very attractive and they are going out to dinner with another college soon. She is married but this doesn't seem to mean much nowadays.

Should I have red flags up about getting any deeper with this guy or is all this perfectly natural?

Yeah my ex was hard work. but then that's why she's now my ex! but it did take 9 years for me to finally decide enough is enough.

just one question what is flirting?

isn't it just banter but instead of being between the same sex it's between opposite sexes?

That's what my boyfriend says. It's just friendly banter... that too sounds like an excuse for flirting with someone attractive and getting away with it. I think he's made it worse by actually bringing it up and pin pointing that he does it with thus attractive woman at work who seems to text him all the time!

What was his view on the cheating friend? How did the subject of his friend cheating come up in conversation? I have no problem with a bit of mild flirting but I can't quite see how this cropped up in conversation... It's almost like he's setting the scene so that in future when he's flirting and having cosy dinners with married colleagues you can't complain because it's all harmless he told you what he was like.

I think if he's saying about a certain person one of two things is going on : he's insecure and making a very ham fisted attempt at making you jealous or he's actually after her and a blatant prick. The first one (if your self esteem is healthy) you can help him address and hopefully stop that sort of ridiculous behaviour, the latter well, get rid.

No. I would not like this. Not at all.

It sounds like you will do for now but really he wants the female colleague he flirts with and texts all the time.

Wouldn't do for me, but you will find many others will disagree and say it wouldn't bother them. The issue is therefore does it bother you? I think it does, and so it doesn't really matter what anyone else thinks. If you didn't have concerns about it you wouldn't have created a post about it would you?

He is telling you who/what he is.

Manopaws, I think of banter as friendly conversation, sharing jokes etc. To me, flirting has a definite sexual edge to it. Fine if both parties are single but totally inappropriate if one of them isn't. Flirting is what you do when you are looking to take something further.

Nah he wouldn't be the man for me. Luckily I'm in a relationship with someone who feels no need to flirt with anyone but me. I think this type of flirting says a lot about the flirterer actually, it screams of insecurity and needing validation from others that you are still attractive and a desperate need to have other like/fancy you.

I think some people are natural flirts and flirt with lots of people whether they find them attractive or not. To me this is harmless and part of the person's personality. But if someone only flirts with those they find attractive then they also need to be doing something to make you feel very secure in the relationship because it can look like they are testing the water with others. If it bothers you the get out now whilst it's still early days because you can't expect him to change his behaviour for you.

Genuine question : where is the line drawn between just being social and engaging in conversation with the opposite sex, to "flirting"? To be honest going by what I think flirting is, no, it's not behaviour I would be happy with in a partner....think it's a bit creepey to be honest.

For me a bit of friendly banter is what you have with anyone, sexual attraction is irrelevant. It is about having a laugh.

If I engage in flirting, it's because I fancy someone, it is sexual. I wouldn't do it outside of my relationship, I wouldn't be happy if my partner did it either.
It is not about jealousy. It is about respect.

i also think flirting depends on perspective ive been accused of flirting in the past and ive definitely not been attracted to the other person nor have i been in my opinion flirting

but occasionally ive definitely been flirting but i am absolutely single (so is he) and we like to mess around like that not sure if either of us will ever take it further but for now we are single therefore it hurts no-one

I define flirting as something you do when you are attracted to the other person. I think whether you are with someone or not, people will always be attracted to others. It's whether you respect who you are with enough to think, now hang on, would my partner actually be upset by this?

At a month in, it's early days and I'm not sure I would read too deeply into what he is saying. I would note it, but I don't think that definitely means he is going to end up being a cheat. I would read into it based on how he has actually been with you around. Has he been flirting in front of you? Made you feel uncomfortable?

Should he do either of those things then I would think its time to say it's not something you are happy with and if he respects that, shows you he respects that, then all good. If he doesn't, then out the door.

I don't get how anyone can say they flirt, it's harmless, but wouldn't do it in front of their SO. If it's harmless and you think it's ok why not do it in front of your SO? Why hide it? This suggests to me that you don't think it's ok...