How would YOU handle this? PLEASE give ADVICE.

[drosophila]

On the days I work DP takes the kids to school/nursery. Every morning he is late and quite often phones me at work demanding where this is or wher that is usually in a real unpleasent way. This morning was a particularily bad one. He phones me at work onm y mobile demanded to know where DS lunch box was. I have no idea I said is it in X room? To which I got treated to the usual crap. Implicit and sometimes explicit is that I should have everything ready for him.

I am sooooo angry with him because he can be really unpleasent to DS as well if he is rushed and stressed. I don't know how to deal with it cos if I phone him and say 'how dare you phone me at work and be abusive....' he just gets more umpleasant. I need to get him to change his behaviour i.e get up earlier, learn how to hurry or just be more aware of how he affects those around him. My problem is I get so anoyed,he then digs his heels in and nothing changes.

Could you try to get things ready together the night before and then maybe he would realise just how much it takes to get out of the door on time? Then you could gradually withdraw and let him do it, either night before or on the morning.

can you both get into a routine where everything is layed out the night before..
sandwiches made... bags packed that sort of thing....

Ditto. both get things ready the night before - maybe each have agreed seperate responsibilities for the different bits that need doing.

That would result in me getting everything ready the night before. Another issue is that he works at home and refuses to quit at a given time and there is always some work pressure on that means he has to have his laptop open. Another bone of contention. I argue that as I collect DD from nursery I have no choice but to quit work at set time etc...

I think suggesting to him that as he finds it so hard in the morning, and gets stressed, and that's not good for ds, you should BOTH get stuff ready the night before could work. Then you could turn the tables on him, spend the evening shouting from a different room 'dh, where's ds's x' then a bit later 'have you seen ds's y' and so on. Spend an evening hassling him and when he complains, say 'this is what I get from you every morning - do you see now that it's not pleasant?'. Would demonstrate to him what it's like rather than him just seeing his side of the experience in a pig-headed way.

Would he not co-operate at all? Is it deeper than just the getting ready issue? It sounds like you're having a really rough time

It stems from a total inability to hurry and prioritise. This is why he works such long hours. I ma hoping to get him a bbok for Christmas on time management. He admits that he finds it hard in relation to work but with domenstics he can blame someone - me or the kids.

Write a list of stuff DS needs for each day. Type it out, pin it up somewhere.

Then, this evening, tell your DH that he is being a bit of a git over this and that it's seriously pissing you off and causing you consternation, shout if necessary. Tell him that from now on, all of this will be done the night before and make a huge big deal out of it tonight, insist that he helps as this is turning into something that, if cannot be resolved, will lead to something worse. Get right in his face over it this evening. He may not realised that he is upsetting you this much.

Then when you have covered every angle this evening, tell him that YOU do NOT want any silly phone calls as he patently watched you get stuff ready. Get tough with him and DO not back down.

You did say please give advice.

Is the issue really about the morning rush, or his lack of respect for you? Let's face it, he would be annoyed if you kept ringing him about these sorts of things when he was trying to work. So, if the morning is his responsibilty, he should take that responsibility and deal with it. Why do men seem to lose the ability to look for things because they deem them the 'woman's job' to look after?

He should be told that unpleasantness and being abusive is not acceptable. It is his responsibility.

Can you get someone else to answer your phone if you think it might be him calling?

Intersting advice. I start work at 07.30 so an hour later would not work. I know what you mean about reducing and i do try an help a bit in the evening but I suppose it is a bit of a respect thing. You feel like you do everything probably because you do and an abusive call can tip you over the edge.

how about getting a thick pad of postits and one evening go round and put them all over the house with helpful (but hugely sarcastic) comments suggesting where everything he has ever rung for is located ,throw in a few extra ones for things that you know he definately wont need like the tent in the loft etc.OR you could give in and do it yourself which to be honest is what he is angling for,the old if i do it cr*p she will do it for me routine !choice is yours

On the days that you take the kids to school/nursery could you ring him whinging and asking him to find things that he should know the whereabouts of?
My dp only sees how unreasonable hes being when I turn the tables on him.
Years ago it was...you have to ASK to go on the PC, I brought it....so i turned it around and said..You have to ASK to go into the fridge I brought it....
Problem solved.

This may not ease his situation but my advice would be write the list and then switch your phone off (or ignore his calls). My DH used to be the same until I realised I was actually perpetuating his general crapness at all things baby related by getting involved when I should have just left him to it. OK so DS went to nursery without nappies/spare clothes/lunch (once!) but the nursery had spares and I got DH to apologise and it encouraged him to remember the next time.

Also important to reaslise IMO is on morning's it's his job, it's his stress too so just give in to the fact that you can't do anything about it so don't get worked up about it yourself.

hth - bl*^dy annoying though, much sympathy!

Turn your phone off or 'forget to take it' one morning.

I may have completely the wrong end of the stick here, but dh occasionally did bath time so I could have a rest. After I had checked the water temperature, got out the pjs and clean nappy etc it was harder work than just doing the bath myself.

One night when he started the questions I explained I had complete faith in his abilities and it didn't matter if it went wrong. It was a turning point and gave him the confidence he needed. Now he never needs help.

this sort of thing was and is typical behaviour from my ex. He took it much further, and based our entire relationship on me being in the wrong, which gave him the right to shout abuse at me whenever anything went slightly wrong. In fact, I wouldnt mind betting that when I come off the internet, there will be an abusive message on my answerphone, because he got the engaged tone when he tried to ring me. Seriously, it is bullying and he should stop. Not sure how to make him, without antagonising him though.

my advice would be to talk to him when things are calm and ask how he thinks things can go better in the am as it is difficult for you to take his calls at work. and ask what can you do to help him get things working better for him. Try to bite your tongue and keep your anger in check (asking alot I know but if you focus ont he untilmate goal (he quits harassing you on the phone and snapping at your child), it helps. But god, what is he thinking? You are trying to work for god sake. THere, I said it.

Worse thing is I sit opposite a very senior person so I can't say much. Thanks for your thoughts and advice.

How old are the children? If old enough I'd get them involved in helping out too, even if it's just by making sure their lunchbox for example is left in the same place every evening so that it is quick & easy to find each morning.