Devastated

[CEG1983]

First of all - apologies for the long post, just really looking for some advice.

In October, my husband of 8 years (together for 14) told me he had been n unhappy with our relationship for around 6 months. He couldn't really explain why but he felt we had turned into house mates rather than husband and wife and he didn't love me any more. We decided he would move out, give him some space that he felt he needed then start working on things together - going on dates etc He assured me that there was no one else involved and no one else would become involved while we were trying to work things out. We have 2 children aged 2 and 5 and because of this we still had to see each other every day. When he moved out, we carried on having family meals together, doing things as a family, us going to his flat, him coming to the family home. We carried on sleeping together but he refused to have any of the date nights etc that he had promised. In December, he also avoided any situation where we would be able to sleep together again. I knew something was wrong and last week he told me he was seeing someone else. He has gone from telling me that he doesn't love her to her being more important than me. He still texts me about random things, nothing to do with the children, tells me he still fancies me, crys when we talk about what has happened and says how sorry he is. He assures me that he had decided it was completely over with us before he started this new relationship, he just didn't have the guts to tell me it was over and its nothing to do with the other woman. The speed that their relationship is progressing makes me sick. He admits he was happy in our relationship for 13.5 years and it was just the last 6 months that made him unhappy. We were best friends, perfect together almost. He still comes into out house like he's my best friend, tells me everything that's been happening with him, makes himself coffee etc when he comes to see the kids. He tells me I still know him better than anyone else in the world and our relationship will always be important to him.

As for the other woman, she is 6 years younger than him, never been in a long term relationship, no kids etc They can have the life together that we had before our children came along, no worries about paying bills, ferrying the girls to all of their clubs etc I don't understand why anyone in her position would want to get involved with this man literally just out of a 14 year relationship with 2 young children.

One of the most hurtful things is that it just seems as though I've been replaced - she is being taken to see his family for the weekend etc - no one seems to think he is doing anything wrong as long as he is happy.

The thing is all I want is for him to come back so we can work on things. I miss him so much and feel so lonely. I haven't been eating or sleeping. I have anxiety issues anyway and this has just made things 100 times worse. I know he seems head over heals with her but I love him and can't help how I feel.

I have been in the exact same position as you. It was exactly 12 months ago today since STBXH left saying he wasn't happy, also said he wasn't happy but was having an affair with a work colleague. He did come back to me about 5 months after he left because he could see I was getting on with my life, I let him come home, he was home for a week before I kicked him out as he was moping about the house as he was "missing" the OW. I have let him have his cake and eat it for the past 12 months, have kidded myself that I was being nice to him for the sake of the kids, let myself get dragged into long text conversations with him like we're still a couple and best friends. I know you want him back but everyone is right he needs to know what he's missing and then it is up to you if you take him back, but do not let him have his cake and eat it, it'll only be you that will feel the worst believe me. I have shut the door on my STBXH now for good and maybe he will regret his decision but I don't care, it's too late for him and believe me a few months ago I never thought I wouldn't care but I don't and trust me eventually you won't care whether your DH comes back. Something someone said on here helped me "why have a man who can do that in your life? Wouldn't you rather take a chance on another man who would never treat you like that?" Hugs to you at this awful time xx

Yea he came back. More than once actually. But the thing is, I don't really want him now, I want what we had but he ruined that when he decided to try and replace me. So him changing his mind is really by the by.
I didn't move on I kept myself available for him, still, and 5 years later it's still crap and far more complicated.
Be kind to yourself, accept it's over, put boundaries in place to protect yourself and move on.

Ugh he sounds vile. I'm so sorry he's done this to you and your children. Just to echo pps, collection of the dcs should be at the door. He needs to know he can't come in. Could you pop a chain on the door to ensure he doesn't just come in? Or even leave your key in the door?
He's got it all currently, he shouldn't get to be able to still play happy families. I would imagine it will confuse the dcs too.
He may decide he wants to come back once you start laying some ground rules. However, you will probably have decided you neither need nor want him by then. For now just enjoy your children, come up with a contact schedule, ensure he's paying maintenance and keep yourself busy. for you op. Keep coming back for support, it really helps

Like so many people he wasn't prepared for the reality of family life and small children. And wasn't prepared to compromise. So has looked around for someone who has flattered his ego and can provide that freedom and excitement he was missing.

He needs to grow up now.

You need to help him face his responsibilities by being tough.

For your own well being, start moving on from him. He left in October with promises of working on your marriage but three months later is introducing his OW to his family!! Is he so devoid of any feeling for you that he can not imagine how painful doing this would be? His only care is for himself and what makes him feel good. Six months ago he decided he didn't love you because it suited his purpose. It made it easy for him to cheat. He didn't need to feel guilty. He is weak. Putting himself before his own children. It's hard for me to respect someone who does that.

Agree with what everyone has said. Yes feel sad about whats happened but you will feel better about yourself and stronger when you lay down the boundaries of your new relationship with your expartner

Get angry and start boundarys as others have said.

I can just feel how much you are hurting.

Right now you feel if you continue to make him welcome, be friendly and welcoming then it can be as much like the old days as possible and also, you hope, he might come back.

But the opposite is true.

Right now he has it all - an exciting new relationship (they all are in the early days!) in addition to the warm comfort of his old family too. Why would he want to change anything? You're making it easy for him.

Time to get business like. Stop accommodating him and only communicate about the children and essentials. Don't be his friendly ear.

It's going to hurt coz you miss him. You've got the children to care for whilst he swans around introducing the new woman to his family. It's a massive shock. Cry in private but don't let him see. Act like he's not coming back and start moving forward.

Then, when he realises his mistake and comes crawling home, enjoy the moment. You probably won't want him back by then anyway.

BTW - how long has this woman really been on the scene? There's another reason this 'happily' married man left his family.

He's lying, too. He was seeing her before he left.

Really hope you can set some boundaries. He's playing you.

Agree with most of the other posters.

Distance yourself from him. Stop him dropping in and using your family. And dont convince yourself that he must have / had depression. Ive heard so many friends say they believe their husband had depression when he had an affair because it is easier to believe than theyre cunts and you didnt know. This stops them from moving on. This drags out the hurt longer because what youre doingnjs removing the responsibility from him for being a cheating lying selfish manchild bastard who got bored of his family.

Go to proper access arrangements that suit the children, and you as you are there to deal with life the most.

Contant through email in a professional parent tone.

Make plans to see friends every night he has them. Never wallow. Youll start to realise actually he sidnt become a nob out of the blue and youre far better alone than dealing with him.

I suppose all I want is someone to say, I have been in the sa!e position but he eventually seen sense, realised the grass wasn't greener and came back.

Ok then. ........ He saw sense, he came back, I laughed so hard I almost went myself ( pre kids , I probably would wet myself now) he scuttled off read faced and very shocked.

I completely detached, easier I know with no kids. I was pleasant and polite when I had to see to untangle joint finances but that was it. The course of events were:

1. I love you but as a friend
2. he finally admits there's someone else
3. he refuses to take responsibility for his half of financial commitment s and expects me to sort it for him. I finally get angry.
4. He's told to return all keys (locks changed anyway). Have my name / his name removed from certain things.
5. he rings up screaming at me because the locks have changed and says 'but I wanted to surprise you, I'm coming back'
6. I said, 'errrrrrm, no you're not'
7. he spent the next 12 months begging but even married ow. . She threw him out after a year of marriage.
8. he arrives sobbing on my doorstep, I rang his sister to come and get him.

My point is, accept he's gone , grieve and make your life with him only on the periphery for the kids. If he then wants to come back YOU have a choice. I'm guessing like me you won't want him because he's not the man you thought he was

Again, thanks for all the replies and advice. It's still early days but I feel myself getting stronger. I've not been talking about anything other than the kids, not trying to change his mind, asking him to come back etc Haven't been texting him either. I went back to work today after a couple of weeks off on annual leave and see it as the first step in getting into a routine again.

Agree with others, he's having it all way isn't he and being welcomed home each time he decides to visit, the man has cheated on you as I'm sure he was seeing her whilst still with you, I don't believe it was six months either.

Take control, get angry, he's not deserving of friendliness and a listening ear, he left you and his kids, that's how important you were to him, sorry but you need to wise up and stop being a doormat and allowing him to flounce in and out of your home whilst he is shagging OW, it's just not on OP.

You need to spend as little time as possible engaging with him, it will help you move on better, and of course, keep busy, see your family and friends and use that support to get you through, good luck.

I think you will find good support and advice on this website:

www.survivinginfidelity.com/