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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So confused - stay or go?

16 replies

nearlyhadenough · 09/01/2016 09:43

I am really so confused, my mind is in turmoil and I am finding myself becoming more and more anxious.

After 23 years of marriage I thought I had come to the decision to leave - and I have every reason to do this.

DH has had affairs in the past, though we have got back together and moved forward - something I did for the sake of our 2 (now 21 and 23) children. DH also refuses to have a sexual relationship with me - this has been been since the early days of our relationship, did get Viagra 8/9 months ago but used it 4 times and now it's not mentioned, there is also no intimacy or physical contact of any kind. I am basically a housekeeper. He is also a compulsive liar and his lying went too far recently. All documented on here!

BUT - the thought of leaving and living on my own scares me to death.... AND - actually, my life is not that bad. I'm not rich but we are OK, this will get better when DH's inheritance finally pays out (soon). I have a job I enjoy (that I would probably have to change to be able to afford to live alone). There is no animosity between me and DH - we just exist in the same space.

I just keep thinking that it would be better if I stayed, I could keep my job, keep helping my children and just accept my emotional (lack of) situation. Just as I have for so long.

I'm 47 - and I really, really don't know what to do.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/01/2016 09:53

What scares you exactly about leaving and living on your own?. Is it purely a thought of beginning again after being together for so long, the shared history you have?. Perhaps if you articulate that more, it can be broken down.

The life you are leading at present is really no life for you at all.

What do your now adult children think of your situation, do you think they have wondered why you have not left their dad?.

summerwinterton · 09/01/2016 10:20

I think you should leave. Why do you think this half life is all you deserve? There is so much potential happiness out there you are cheating yourself out of. And why do you think you cannot afford a better life post divorce? Have you actually worked out what you could be entitled to?

Original poster

nearlyhadenough · 09/01/2016 10:30

I am scared of the day to day practicalities! I am more than capable of looking after the household stuff - been doing that for years (all finances, DIY etc.) but the more intense DIY - plumbing etc. I would have to get someone in, the same with anything to do with the car - and I don't know where to go for these things or if I can afford it! I know other people do these things every day - so it shouldn't stop me!

I also worry about the financial implications - 2 lawyers have given me conflicting advice regarding the inheritance (death was 5 years ago but not yet completely settled) and my entitlement to it. I have been looking for another job for some time - but there are few opportunities around here (I also have so little confidence that actually applying for anything is virtually impossible).

Summer - It is a half life - but what's to say it would be any different/better if I left?

OP posts:

Whoknewitcouldbeso · 09/01/2016 10:35

You are so young! Please do not put up with this half life because you are scared of the alternative. Your children are grown, you could go anywhere and do anything! There's a whole world out there waiting for you.

12purpleapples · 09/01/2016 10:38

Would you like to have a romantic, loving relationship with someone? Staying is costing you the chance of that.

Joysmum · 09/01/2016 12:08

Think of something you think you might need to do DIY wise and look it up on YouTube.

Handymen are pretty cheap for the basics.

Anything you don't know is what Google is for, even price checking.

Original poster

nearlyhadenough · 09/01/2016 12:56

Deep down I know that I am using these things as an excuse. But after 25/6 years with someone, and to not know of anything different, it is really hard to take that step and say "I want out".

12purpleapples - I wouldn't know what a loving relationship is.... I had a few short term relationships before DH when I was in my teens, but that was such a long time ago. I also don't think anyone would want me - if my DH (who is supposed to be the one to love me unconditionally) can't find what it takes to love me, emotionally or physically, no one else is likely to.

OP posts:

12purpleapples · 09/01/2016 13:06

Thats really sad Nearly. I think that its really easy to get beaten down by staying in a relationship that isn't working. You deserve to be with someone who is crazy about you. The fact that you feel that your husband doesn't love you says nothing about the likelihood of someone else doing so. You only get one life, do you want to look back and feel that you didn't give yourself the best chance of it being full and happy?

It is hard to make the jump, and staying can be so much easier in the short term.

spudlike1 · 09/01/2016 16:11

Your only 47 ! Only halfway ,,,,,go and get a new life :-)

Redhound · 09/01/2016 16:17

Leave! You are wasting your life otherwise! Finances and DIY are NOTHING in the great scheme of things! I left my abusive ex, my secure job and moved alone to a beautiful new area two years ago and whilst its been tough financially and I am still sorting that side out, I have loved every minute of my new life- its so exciting and I have met a lovely kind new man as the icing on the cake! Go and grab a wonderful new life!

Original poster

nearlyhadenough · 09/01/2016 23:02

I know that I have to leave....

How do you actually do it? It's in my head but the words will not come out.

There are always so many reasons to leave it, just for another day, let's get over this hurdle, wait until this has happened.

We were given an invitation to a wedding this evening, friends of DH - I know I won't be there. It is in May.

Maybe the words will come when I least expect it?

OP posts:

12purpleapples · 09/01/2016 23:04

You will most likely feel a huge weight off your shoulders when you say it and put things into action. Try to plan a calm time to do it, so that he fully understands that you are serious and its not something said in the heat of an argument.

madmother1 · 09/01/2016 23:11

Wow. I was 47 when my DH and I parted. It was difficult and sad but it was kind of exciting too. I set myself up in a lovely little house and it's all mine. The DIY stuff: If you can't find out how to do it on you tube then get a man in. I've got contacts for many professionals who I've used in the past. It sounds like you run a house anyway. I wish you the best of luck. Btw, I've not met anyone yet....but the freedom to do exactly as I please is a superb feeling

ImperialBlether · 10/01/2016 13:24

OP, I've read your other threads about your husband. Why is the inheritance taking so long to sort out? It seems very strange that your MIL died 4-5 years ago but the Will isn't sorted yet. I know you said it was worth about £800,000 which is a lot of money obviously, but there are many Wills worth far more than that which don't take as long to sort out.

pocketsaviour · 10/01/2016 13:54

I would have to get someone in, the same with anything to do with the car - and I don't know where to go for these things or if I can afford it!

That is the kind of half-arsed excuse that I used to give myself for not leaving my husband. Like you, the relationship wasn't abusive - but it wasn't right. I no longer found him attractive and didn't want sex with him; he wanted sex with me but no longer respected or liked me as a person. We were making each other so unhappy.

It's not really about "But what do I do if there's a water leak" - (because the blindingly simple answer is, you get on yell.co.uk and search "emergency plumber", which you know full well) it's about having a "hook" to hang all your fears on.

Your real fears here are that your standard of living will decrease, that you may have to take a different job in order to afford to live, and that you won't find anyone else because years of marriage to this man have eroded your self-esteem and self-confidence to such a low point.

In your shoes, if there is doubt about getting a portion of the inheritance if you leave now, I would try to stick it out until that's settled. But I would also make sure I was pushing to find out why the delays were still ongoing, and I'd take that time to build on myself in preparation for being on my own. Learn new skills, take up hobbies, strengthen my social circle, see a counsellor to work on my self-confidence, etc.

Original poster

nearlyhadenough · 10/01/2016 19:53

The inheritance is talking so long to sort out because there was no money to pay IHT so property needs to be sold - and unfortunately the biggest property still hasn't sold. Plus land that has been contracted to be sold will only pay out as each house is sold - nearly at planning stages now.

So on paper there is approximately £800,000 to materialise, it is not actually here! Which is why I have been waiting, but it's getting harder. And there is no guarantee of DH giving me any money anyway.

Pocket, it is a hook - but I am trying to get sorted. It's all a bit scary.

OP posts:

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