Must watch Ted talk on infidelity

[TooSassy]

Just watched this in my lunch break. Very powerful and thought provoking.

https://www.ted.com/talks/estherperellrethinkinginfidelityyatalkkforanyoneewhohasseverloved?language=en

Stand out part. How staying is the new shame.
Very interesting perspective.

Looking forward to hearing what some of my fellow MNetters think.

Thanks for sharing, that is really interesting. I think I'd like her as my personal therapist, she seems to talk a lot of sense, and in an informed and measured way.

Repost.

What is Ted please? X

Very interesting. Shows that the advice given here about the charter understanding why they cheated (so it can be changed) and taking ownership of the pain they caused is the right thing to do.

So few people understand themselves well enough to know why they are like they are. Add in to that that so few take ownership of the pain they caused and look at their partner for the reason of the affair and then try to avoid any mention of it again, and it's no wonder so few marriages recover enough from affairs.

Peppa Ted talks is an organisation that delivers ideas etc in the form of short presentations (between 18-20 mins). They are fab. Came across the infidelity one today.

It's a must watch for anyone who has cheated/ been cheated on IMO. It gave me a totally new view I hadn't considered on 'infidelity' per se. More about the fact that the act of cheating is very rarely about the person who has been cheated on. I.e. It's very rarely about the 'wasn't I enough' conversation.

That and the part on the questions partners should be asking in the wake of an affair.

Powerful stuff and dare I say it quite soothing for me to watch given my STBXH actions.

joysmum I totally agree.

I found it soothing from the point of view that my DH has done all the right things following his affair. Taken ownership of it, feeling ashamed of what he's done, deep regret for causing me so much pain, sought counselling to work out why he acted as he did, been willing to talk about it to me instead of brushing it under the carpet.

I also did the right things of telling close friends, work colleagues and (eventually) my family what was going on, making sure I kept busy doing the things I love rather than hiding away and bottling everything up.

I also agree with the shame of staying perspective. Not so much in RL. I'm sure maybe some of my friends / acquaintances might have thought that initially. But not now when they can see how much DH values our relationship and how much he loves me and how happy we are.

On here though, I'm sure there are MNers who still probably think I'm deluded and stupid for even giving him another chance.

jones this is why I wanted to post the video here.
There really shouldn't be any shame of staying. Each of us are responsible for our choices and our lives and the fact is that we all need to do what we need to do to move forward.

I think her closing quote was exceptionally powerful.

Am glad it helped you also.

I think there is a shame on staying, on here.

But it's because in most - almost all - of the threads I read on here, the cheating partner (man, usually, as this is MN) has done fuck all to make it right.

The woman posts that "we're working on it" - we? Ha!

I suppose if your partner is genuinely remorseful and activity trying to fix it, you're less likely to post.

I have seen some posts say they're staying, and who else has managed it? And those threads seem to be supportive.

But mostly, the women posting are just posting that their partner is still lying, won't talk to them, tells them to get over it, etc etc. Or like one poster on here, whose husband was working so hard to save their marriage that he didn't bother buying her a Xmas present

There's no shame in staying after cheating, but it's a crying shame when people stay when the cheater really REALLY doesn't deserve it.

It's sometimes very difficult to leave. Sometimes financially the only option is to stay and try to make it work. Think people will say LTB quickly but the implications of that can be massive.

I agree Heather, wanting to leave and actually being brave enough to become a single mum are two very different things. I don't see how the trust can ever be the same, not the relationship. It's like the analogy of a broken plate - you can stick it back together and use it but it's never as good.

I watched it, and sent the link to my STBXH. Funny, he took something completely different from it to me! He felt 'see? This can be a renaissance - our new future!' Me: not so much. I felt it expressed my hurt and disbelief, and that it helped me articulate how he had pissed on our past.

Earlier this week I posted about it too! It's a great talk.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2542648-Why-people-cheat?