I could really use some insight and advice..

[batshipcrazy]

I have been a regular browser for about 5 years on this topic. I have read with great interest to try and help me with my problems within my marriage. I have been scared to post as I realised in doing so, it would more than likely mean my marriage was over, and that my husband ( who I am sure spies on me) would see and it would cause merry hell.

However, I have reached a point in the last month or so, where I can no longer continue without any support. I am desperate for advice or input as I feel I have no one in real life to talk to about things and I feel like I am going insane.

I will try to get this all down to give a picture that hopefully you can help me with. I am , however, cautious that there may be things that easily identify me and I am trying to avoid this.

We have been married nearly 12 years, we married young ( think early 20s) Our relationship has always been troubled, in the early days it was very tumultuous and if I am honest with my self, I should have walked away then.
i didn't, we pushed through, thinking it made us and our love stronger, got married and had children. At not one point has our life been easy, we have no family support, we used to have awful financial troubles, problems conceiving ....
One our our children is disabled, it meant that I could not work, but that suited my husband as he wanted me to stay at home, equally, I wanted this too, I wanted to care for our child.

Over the years, my husband has gone about his life and I think its fair to say , we fell in to the old trap of Wifey at home , doing everything... He went out, socially and I always stayed at home.

After having my children, I was very sad, not depressed but I needed to see a counsellor ( I have lots of troubled childhood trauma from abusive parents). Whilst in therapy , i realised that the way my husband treated me was not right. Things that he said, the way he behaved etc.. I pushed it to the back of my mind, not wanting to split up and carried on...

Fast forward to now- I can't stand another minute, years and years of poor communication, horrible things said, just general lack of respect and disregard and I have switched off, I feel numb, I feel so exhausted and fed up and all I want to do is run away. I feel I have zero confidence, I have terrible lack of self esteem, I feel crushed....
I can't be sure if this is because I have been treated badly, or Im just mental?
I guess its easy to look at some behaviour and label it as abusive, i would certainly say that the way my husband has behaved is so. But, Im not innocent.. i can't be, nobody is perfect.. Or I guess I have had years of my husband calling my 'Miss Perfect' ( this is not been said in a nice way).

So here we are, I have told my husband, he now has turned into super husband who is saying he will do anything to fix us, but I just feel like its too little too late.
I am terrified of the future, I know I will be screwed financially, I have no job, no way of earning money, a disabled child to care for, that affects getting a full time job. I will lose our home and I feel like I am crazy for not trying to push on through.

I am not interested in anyone else, but one thing I have noticed is when any male, shows me any kind of attention that is kind or nice, I feel ridiculously keen for it ( not that this really happens that often) Am I that starved of affection? Is this normal?
Am I having a pre mid life crisis, and I am going to blow all of our lives apart for a silly reason?

I am sorry for the long post, I never know how to write , which is probably why I don't. But I have seen the support and kindness on here and I am just praying that you might have some for me?

He has probably been spying! And didn't like what he read

Hope you are ok. You don't need to do anything. He sounds vile. Yes he is abusive. He's trying to shock you or maybe he had somewhere to go.

I have not had a chance to reply sooner.
He came home around 9, declaring he was moving into the spare room.
He says he has no where to go and will stay here until the house is sold??!!

He told me I can live in squalor as I won't get a penny from him and he will be in such luxury that the kids will chose to live with him.

Then he swung round and said he still wanted 'us' . He can't believe I'm giving up so easily ( does he not listen)

I went out this morning, he has disappeared from mid day and not told me when/if he plans to return.

I feel sick, insecure, worried, nervous. I've felt dizzy all day and I am already falling to be a good mum as all I can seem to do is want to rest.

I don't know how I'm going to get through this.

I'm also panicking now that he will have this wonderful life, new young woman on his arm and I'm a used up has been that no one would look twice at. I have nothing going for me and no strength to sort or change that.

How on earth do people live together whilst separated? What if he starts bringing women back here?

He told me I can live in squalor as I won't get a penny from him

No man is above the law. He will be required to pay child maintenance.

You won't live in squalor (well, not unless you choose to never do any housework!)

Please be careful at the moment. Leaving is the most dangerous time in an abusive relationship.

Keep talking to Womens Aid. They will give you an idea of what to expect over the coming period. but from my own experience:

1. He will make massive "I can change" efforts to try to get you back in line. He will run around after you, start doing housework, take the kids out, suddenly become Super Dad, buy you gifts which he will give you in front of the presents, tell the kids that mummy and daddy will be together forever, tell your kids that "mummy doesn't love daddy any more so daddy has to go away - but maybe you can tell her not to" - basically every form of emotional blackmail you can think of.
2. He may ramp it up by presenting himself as the wounded victim. You will be accused of having a new lover. He will tell all your friends and family this and that he has "done everything" to keep you together and he "doesn't know why" you are throwing away your marriage. At this point the suicide threats may start. (Correct response to this is "Sorry to hear you're feeling so low. Please contact your GP.")
3. When the other tactics fail he will revert to type, e.g. Mr Nasty. He will ramp up the emotional and verbal abuse, try to convince you that you are useless, stupid and hopeless and doomed to a sad, lonely spinsterhood without him because nobody else will put up with you. He will threaten to "destroy you". He will tell you that he'll tell social services that you're an unfit mother - perhaps he'll say you're a drug user, or perhaps he'll say that because you say the GP about depression (caused by living with a Grade A cunt for the past 12 years) that you're A Mental and not fit to raise children. He'll say that he'll sue for full custody of the children and you'll never see them again. Bear in mind this is bullshit, because having to look after DC 100% of the time is IN NO WAY what he wants.

Gird your loins for all of the above. They won't necessarily happen in that order and he'll swing back and forth between them. Remember his object is to break you down - to bring you to heel like a whipped dog. Lean on Womens Aid, lean on us here. Plenty of us have been through it and can help you see through his lies and bullshit. As a priority, try to get on the Freedom Programme from Womens Aid. It will help you see through his bullshit very clearly.

Good luck. You deserve so much better than this King Shit of Turd Hill.

You are right pocketsaviour, this is what is already happening. I just feel so weak and like I am already doubting if I'm strong enough to do this. Do I start telling people? I just don't know which way to turn. I don't want to drag him through the mud by explaining to people why we are separating, but equally I don't want people ignoring me when he makes him self out to be the victim.

My head is about to explode. I have been searching job opportunities all day and after 14 years I am fit for absolutely sweet f a! I'll end up with a non enjoyable menial job, not a career and I will be forever miserable.

What a fricking mess. I never want my daughter to be in this position!!

Thank you for letting me lean on you all. I really need the support. Feel so alone, unloved and un cared for.

Please see a solicitor as soon as you possibly can. He wants you to think he holds all the cards but actually you do.

I am sure you will feel far more empowered and confident in moving forwards once you have legal advice.

If he escalates his behaviour at all please do not hesitate to call the police. He has spent years controlling you and will not let this go easily. People like him get off on the control and he will do anything to put you back in your box.

I would tell anyone you want to tell. The more RL support you get the better. So sorry you are going through this. It won't be easy but you can do it. SO many of on here have been through it and will tell you how much happier we are.