Do abusers know what they are doing?

[AugustMoon]

Just that really. I wonder if belittling your spouse, discrediting their views and opinions, maintaining financial control, isolating the one person they're supposed to love is something that's done consciously ...? Or does it build up to that only when the abused has been sufficiently submissive and lost confidence. I ask because my H gives the impression he is perfect. Everyone else thinks so, obviously i'm not right in the head. IS the abused partly to blame by taking on a dependent role, nagging. Moping around. Losing interest in sex (because of resentment yes, and dislike, hatred even of their spouse after years of EA) which in turn causes feelings of rejection and dented pride perpetuating the cycle of abuse.

IME their denial is too strong for them to admit that they are abusive. They DO know that they like the feeling of power and winning, though, and that becomes a justification in itself.

Sounds like you need to read Lundy Bancroft 'Why does he do that'. Tells you everything you need to know OP. It is definitely him, not you but one of the aims of an abuser is to keep you so confused you don't know which way is Up. He keeps you in a spin so you start questioning the truth, it goes round and round and then you might even start to believe it's your fault.

Trust me, he is the abuser and he is messing with your head.

My ex once apologised to me for hitting me in the face the previous day. His reason? "I always try to hit you where it won't show, normally". That was the moment I realised he wasn't out of control. He bloody knew exactly what he was doing and chose to keep doing it.

I was talking to a domestic violence support worker who said they stop putting specific info about how to spot signs and steps to take because they realise perpetrators were reading the details and using the info to control and abuse. They have to put general stuff and urge women to contact them instead. Made me really realise how conscious it can be

Yes they do know. Run.