Single dad feeling alone, having a wobble

[1DAD2KIDS]

Hi

So I am having a little emotional wobble and I guess I am just getting it off my chest. Feeling heart broken again.

I little back ground history (keeping it as short as I can). Middle of last year my wife said see wanted some time apart. I as time moved on I started to uncover a whole web of lies and an affair. She moved 90 miles away and took the kids with her. I honestly loved her with all my heart and always devoted myself to her and the kids. I was heart broken and it nearly destroyed me. In November she said the kids where not coping well and wanted me to have them. I was over the moon and its great to have them back living with me. She have moved in with her boyfriend and has made a whole new life and friends for her self.

So here I am today working full time shifts and bring up a 4 year old girl and a 9 month old boy. Lucky with the help of family and friends when I am at work. It is knackering, if I am not at work I am doing housework and looking after the kids.

I thought I was moving on OK. I still talk to my EX and every time I see her in person I don't see the same woman I once loved. Its as if someone else has stole her body.

But that grief for what I have lost hit me like a ton of bricks again today totally out of the blue. I just started crying. In away its harder because I no longer feel anything for her when I see her. So I know the wife I would have once died for is gone and never coming back. I realised how alone I am. Despite having my kids and my friends, I no longer have my soul mate and lover. I honestly thought we would be together forever. I must admit its made harder knowing that while I am working my nuts off to give the kids the life they deserve she is happily shacked up with another man having the good times I miss so much with her. Me and the kids have been traded for a fat middle aged man (12 years older) and a carefree life style. I just cant believe how we have been thrown on the scrap heap. It breaks my heart every time my little girls says she wants her mummy. I am also left with all the reminders such as the teddies I have bought her over the years, the photographs everywhere. The thing what really set me off was a little note she left for me a few years ago. I wont go into detail but it ended "I want to spend all my life with you". I honestly though she loved me as I did her.

Without my soul mate I have realised on an emotional level how alone and isolated I am. I have realised by bring up the kids I have scarified any hope of finding a true soul mate. I would love to find my soul mate but I wouldn't have to time to meet and spend with them. I literally have no free time in my life. Don't get me wrong I love the kids more that anything and would always sacrifice this for them but it still sucks not having that emotional connection with an adult. I miss the woman who I could share everything with, my hopes, my fears and my heart. I miss having my lover too. Someone who I know their body, their turn on's, their erogenous spots, their desires and they know mine. I miss that powerful connection when you make love to someone who you know inside out and both lust for and love. I just miss having someone adult to talk to and someone I can put my big arms around and snuggle. Also I know this is a bit sad but I miss someone to cook for. I cook for the kids but its just kids stuff and baby food. I no longer have anyone special to cook something special for and enjoy a nice bottle of wine with.

This realisation of what I have lost and that I will probably not get it back just really cut up today. To contemplate I life without a women who I truly bond with makes me feel so alone on that emotional level. So if you have read so far and not died of boredom of me going on well done. I just really needed an outlet to get my sadness off my chest. I never thought at age 32 my life would turn out like this. The one thing that makes me happy is knowing the kids are happy (they were not before they move down) and doing well. They amaze me every day. I was overwhelmed by the task when my ex dumped them at my door. But I really cant believe how well I am doing. I have found things inside me that have amazed me.

I suspect that when you get out and about a bit you will be having to beat them off with a stick....

In the mean time, take time to grieve for what you thought you had, and remember that you have the children, which is far better than a fat middle aged partner whose appeal will wear off pretty quickly.

ps I second the advice about letting everyone know you are the resident parent..

oh and kids are knackering, no wonder you are feeling down. it does wear off after a bit.

Lots of us are in similar circumstances - bringing up children as a single parent working full-time. I have four Dcs.

Please don't rely upon your ex being fair regarding the divorce. As pp said make sure that you have legal acknowledgment of your situation.

Take care of yourself and your kids.

It is hard to come to terms with life being so far from anything envisaged. I just cope by not looking to far ahead.

Keep going, you, me and everyone else alone (kids, job, aging parents etc), is doing really great.

Hi,

Your have really expressed yourself well. I'm sorry you are sad.

I wanted to say something about strong feelings and bad days. The thing is every feeling is fleeting. No one feeling lasts forever. When you are having a painful and sad moment just sit with that feeling. Recognise it, be kind to yourself. Tell yourself that whilst it is painful at that moment it will pass and soon other feelings will come. Happiness, calm, joy, peace, busy, drunk, cooking, listening to the radio. All of life is just made up of all these different moments. And they will always change. Just be kind to yourself. Don't judge the feelings. They just are. Just accept them and have a cup of tea.

You sound like you are doing tremendously. Your children are so lucky to have you. Just take it one day at a time xxx

I think the best thing you can do is allow yourself to be sad in those moments when you can do so. It is a necessary part of the healing process and it will take more than 6 months.

When your littlest one is older, you will find more opportunities for having a social life and believe me, you will be snapped up. Someone as caring, selfless and insightful as you are will meet the right woman.

I agree about the need for adult conversation. Some times as i work from home i go weeks without seeing another adult.

The rest of my work place is out tonight on a works do with posh paid for food, champagne and presents. Meanwhile im at home with the kids.

Its tough

Your post is heart breaking. I really can't understand how any woman could abandon two beautiful little ones. You sound like a lovely man and an amazing daddy. It's still early days, take time to heal yourself and just be with your children. They need you now more than ever. I have no doubt that one day you will meet an equally amazing woman and be a family again. Take one day at a time. You'll find your way and things WILL get easier for you all. I know how hard it is, I brought up my eldest as a single parent but it is also so rewarding. Sending you healing hugs, take care.

How many PMs have you got OP!

I can relate to your story I'm a 47 year old guy bringing up 4 kids on my own ,I find it incredibly difficult ,I have no family to help (all dead) ,the kids mum disappeared 2 years ago and hasn't been heard of since . I was seeing someone ,but she dumped me tonight ,so I'm feeling incredibly sorry for myself right now, it feels so difficult some times especially has I have no friends as the kids mum managed to isolate me from them ,as I now know she was controlling and abusive. Anyway there are others like you who are in the same boat. You just need to concentrate on your kids and slowly life will get better!

Grief eh, it won't go away until you deal with it. That knife to the chest was just that: oi! I need dealing with!

It's only 6 months and no doubt you had a lot on your plate practically in that time. Maybe you thought you had come to terms with everything, the life/heart-shattering loss. Sometimes the shock can be so great we go numb.

It's good and healthy that your grief has rugby-tackled you down (but not out!). This stuff needs dealing with, living through, and, as uncomfortable as it is, the only way out is through. You've had some lovely advice to go with it, to sit with your feelings when they are very painful, and to be kind to yourself. Those feelings will pass - they always do: this too shall pass. A cliche but so true.

Meanwhile, you're not ready yet to be in a new relationship, as much as it would be lovely to fill that hole. As others are saying, the child-rearing years go so quickly and change a lot in a short time. The time will come quite soon when things aren't as hard, you're healed up a bit, and you'll be ready. You won't have a shortage of offers! Bcs you sound lovely.

Do get as much support as you can. It wouldn't be a bad idea to get some professional support eg counseling to talk through this in depth in a way you may not be able to speak to your family and friends, especially over time.

Keep going op. One step in front of the other, you'll get there (even when it feels like you never will)

This is grim.

Best advice I can give is to not be embarrassed to ask for help from friends. Get a babysitter and ask friends to meet up with you for a few beers. It'll help you keen you sane and that benefits your kids too. You can help look after them by looking after yourself. Don't be ashamed to still live a life.

If your kids spend any time at a nursery then you could always ask one of the workers there if they would babysit for you. They would already know your kids and in my experience are usually glad to make a bit of extra money.

As far as finances are concerned, I hope you're getting the child benefit now that you're the one looking after the kids. You're ex also needs to be paying child maintainence if she isn't already.

Yes, OP, I hope your ex is paying maintenance for your children.

I agree that many women will actually find the fact that you are a single parent quite attractive (the only man I know in this situation is beating them off with a shitty stick).

Just wanted to add my support as I'm going through a fairly similar situation, although it was me that left, not him and I've only got the one child (which I think makes a big difference -- multiple kids is very stressful).

I am generally happy that my relationship is over but feel very isolated and being a LP is relentlessly stressful.

You sound totally awesome and very strong and capable and as others have said its impossible to believe you won't find someone wonderful one day. You have qualities in spades that lots of women would find very attractive.

You're in the worst phase at the moment and things can and will get only get better. You just have to keep going for now until that point.

Thank you everyone for your support and to all those who have shared a bit of them self's. Its comforting (if not sad) that there are plenty others in the same boat. Big respect to everyone out there sailing the same ship. Roverman75 I sorry to hear things didn't go to plan, I feel for you mate. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I know things are hard for many of us on here and all we can really do is keep swimming and hope to find friendly shores one day. I must admit today has been a lot better. Yesterday hit me out of the blue and I just needed somewhere to off load my feelings. And you have all given me an amazing supportive outlet to express my feelings. I can tell you it has really helped.

It's very nice of everyone to say that I will meet somebody for me one day. And of course that's something I would really like again. But there is part of me that says never to fully give my heart to someone again. I loved my ex with all my heart and foolishly I thought our love was indestructible. I get that people are human and make mistakes. I was happy to forgive her but she did not want forgiveness. She was madly in love with her new man and new life. I trusted her 100% maybe naively. It was the most craziest of revelations to unravel her web of lies. Our love I thought was the only solid and constant thing in this crazy world. She has told everyone so may lies I not sure if she knows the truth her self any more. In fact she still continues to lie about this and that. The thing that hurt the most was that she strung me along for months talking about making another go of it until it was clear to everyone she had made a new life with her new boyfriend (who's ex wife is not to happy too). She really did a job on me. Why did she have to mess with my head so much and play games with my mind. It was so cruel. The sad thing is I believed so much in indestructible love stronger than anything. But I know that is not true now and feel I have lost the concept of something magical. I am such a fool. I always said to my self there is noting she can do to make me stop loving her. But now when I see her finally all those feeling of love are gone. I actually at one point felt guilty for not loving her as if I let her down. As if I finally had given up on her (that I have) and given up on the marriage vows that I made and vowed to withhold until my dying day. I am not sure if I could ever give my heart to anyone again and now I wonder when you read all the stories on here should anyone? I feel like damaged goods and in a way I suppose I am.

You need to grieve for at least another 6 months and maybe you will meet someone else. Women go throught this every day, it's nothing special, you just need to deal with it and get on with it. I miss my ex, or really I miss the history I had with him and the kids - you can and will never get this with anyone else - you just need to rebuild a life

Good luck

I'm sorry for what she has done to you but I'm so so proud of you, even though I don't know you.

My mum done the same when I was two, brothers were four and six. Dad was working away and came home to us and the dogs gone. She shacked up with someone else.

We were only ten minutes across town. And although we all had to stay with her till we were old enough to decide to move in with him. He took us every weekend. He did have a long term relationship from when I was about six till about ten/eleven. Then got into a relationship with my stepmum from about 13.

We all adore him, he's got a great life now. Had a great career and made a good life for himself. My mum on the other hand isn't on his par and he's so glad she left as she's a totally different, very selfish person. She never ever looked after us or treated us the was our friends mums did. He wishes he'd got custody of us in the beginning.

If single working mums can find a partner you can too, and you will you are so young still with clearly alot to offer!

Your ex quite frankly doesn't deserve you or the kids! How often does she visit or tale them for weekends?

I found it took me a year to feel ok on my own. I felt the children and I needed that time to Re group and spend quality time together. During that year I went out once with adults! However I did have lots of friends round for drinks and pizza or curry once children were in bed - female friends not dates. I needed that adult company. What I'm trying to say is it is still very early days. Take very small steps. Enjoy your time with just you and the children. There is plenty of time to meet new partners - you are still very young. Good luck you sound like a lovely man and your children are very lucky to have you as their daddy.

Hi OP
Eight years ago I was in the same position as you & couldn't see how I would ever recover or even cope. Fast forward to now and I live in a fantastically happy house with two amazing kids. There is no arguing or stress.Our situation has resulted in the three of us being incredibly close. XH still sees them but they have over time made their own judgements on his behaviour and choices. I have never uttered a bad word about him in front of them & we are still civil. Your comment about not recognising her any more is spot on. The man I loved has gone.
Please believe me when I say that one day you will look back and realise that you deserved so much more. You will relish the time you had watching your beautiful children grow up and feel proud of how you did as a dad despite the most difficult of times. They will love and respect you all the more. And then you will meet someone worthy of YOUR love.
You are going through such a tough time, and life has thrown you a curve ball. It's not the life you thought you would have. It will be different, but it will be happy and complete. You sound like a lovely man. Take care.