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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I feel like i want to disown my grandparents

16 replies

kittylettekissingsanta · 18/12/2006 10:31

This has been going on for a while, i could tell you alot but ill just give you the gist...

alot of stuff happened when my dad was younger, i got snippits of this stuff as ive gotten older, but just tried to block it out, but im finding it increasingly difficult now im a mother to two boys,

basically my grandma had 3 kids to one man, he was a drunk ..

on one occasion her husband hadnt arrived home from work - he was a drinker so she knew hed be at the pub, not just late, but she left my dad who was 3 alone in the house with his little brother who was just months old!!

my dad basically painted the house with a tin of brown paint he found, when she arrived home, hed put himself to bed covered in ths fence paint!! - shejust left him!!

she was more interested in cleaning the TV because it was a rental! - she told me this herself a few weeks ago and was laughing!

now her first hubby left and she got a new man, my now 'grandad'

this man beat my father, booted him, all from the age of about 4

he put my father into care, where he was beaten and a man repeatedly attempted to abuse him sexually,

meanwhile my dads younger brother, was also being beaten, my grandama went to scotland for a holiday, and when she got home my stepgrandfather had placed my uncle into care!! because he was misbehaving! it took him 6 months to get out

and all the time my grandma watched the beatings, and allowed him to put her kids into care,

i basically have grown to hate them, but i feel i couldnt mention it because my dad seemed to have gotten over it (f**k knows how!)

but my uncle is now an alcoholic, a few weeks ago we got a phone call, he had been half beaten to death with an iron bar - for no reason other than being a drunk - she didnt bother to go see him,

for 2 weeks we kept him at our house, he had operations on his broken jaw and shattered eyesocket,

he stayed off the drink, im so proud of him,

but he had to go stay with my grandma for a night, and she left him to wander the street and you guessed it, get totally pissed

i cant stand this woman, she visits once a year, but my stepgrandad visits weekly,

im finding it increasingly difficult to keep a smile on my face when seeing them,

ive never mentioned what went on, but its eating me up inside,

LOADS more horrific stuff went on, stuff my mum wont tell me about because she knows how much i love my daddy and i couldnt handle it!

i feel i want to write them a letter, explaining i know what went on in the past, and i feel they dont deserve a part in their grandchildrens life, as they didnt care enough to bring my dad up with love,

i know it will cause upset, but i honestly cant go on much longer with this false love for them,

what should i do??

OP posts:
kittylettekissingsanta · 18/12/2006 10:35

ps, my real grandfather is dead, he was murdered in scotland, my dad thought his real dad had just forgotten about him, and my dad wanted to contact him but didnt know where he was, it came to light that after he was killed my grandma addmitted that he sent regular letters to my dad asking to see him, birthday cards ect... this is when my dad is 30+ - she just didnt give him the letters!

my dad was devestated

OP posts:
Donbean · 18/12/2006 10:38

Hm, while i get why you feel this way it may prove difficult to actually do any thing.

I feel the same about some of my family members.

fairyjay · 18/12/2006 10:41

It sounds a prettyy poisonous situation to me - I'd be inclined to step away.

jampots · 18/12/2006 10:43

i would simply stop seeing them.

I dont recognise your name so dont know if you are still at home or have children etc. However I guess if you are still at home it could be difficult. Possibly best to just completely avoid them and if they ask explain your feelings to them

kittylettekissingsanta · 18/12/2006 10:49

NO, I DONT LIVE AT HOME, BUT MY STEPGRANDFATHER COMES TO VISIT, oops, lol

he visits regularly, thing is you wouldnt imagine it ever, they seem such nice people

OP posts:
kittylettekissingsanta · 18/12/2006 10:50

i have 2 sons under 2 years old

OP posts:
jampots · 18/12/2006 10:50

ah they're the worst sort - the quiet ones ;)

maycontainstress · 18/12/2006 10:50

If I were you, I'd let it go, stop seeing them, its hurting you and affecting everything.

I feel for you, they don't deserve their family and seem to be so thick skinned that a letter wouldn't do anything to make them realise what they've done wrong.

Don't let yourself get chewed up by the past and what they've done, live for the family who deserve you now, they certainly don't.

Good luck.

kittylettekissingsanta · 18/12/2006 10:51

fairjay, do you mean step away from them, or the notion of disowning them?

OP posts:
nearlythree · 18/12/2006 11:51

Have you explained how you feel to your dad? I would feel just as you do, I have to say. I'm certainly not sure I'd allow them near my dcs.

kittylettekissingsanta · 18/12/2006 11:59

its not really discussed nearly 3,

because he was brought up in care he finds it hard to show emotion, so e dont really talk indepth,

the hardest part in my opinion, is the fact my dad doesnt say anything, he still sees them,

if he disowned them it would be easy,

but if he doesnt, how can i? iykwim

OP posts:
nearlythree · 18/12/2006 12:12

That is what I was going to ask, kitty. Maybe your dad likes the fact that you are a 'family' even though to you the situation is impossible. Maybe he craved being with his mum so much when he was a child that he'd settle for anything now. It must break your heart.

I am very puzzled as to why your stepgrandad comes to visit you so often, esp. as he doesn't like children. I think you could end his visits w/out upsetting your dad.

As for your grandmother, you may just have to put up with her poisonous presence for your dad's sake. At least it's not that often.

kittylettekissingsanta · 18/12/2006 12:18

thats what i dont understand,

hes great with the boys, and was with me when i was little

i find it sooo strange, he can accept me as his grandaughter and my sons as his greatchrandchildren, but could accept his stepson as his??

i think he has grown up and seent he eror of his ways and he does make the eforrt, he is a good grandad, but i cannot get the images of him beating my 5 year old dad out of my mind,

my dislike for my grandad is overshadowed by the hatred for my grandma,

in a way my grnadad is resentful , and has apologised to my father,

whereas my grandma still goes on like nothing happened,

even the other week when my uncle went to get antidepresents, my grandma was there and the doctor said to him 'why are you like this? why do you drink?'

and he said because of what they did to him,

my grandma blatently lied and said my grandad had only hit him once when he was younger!!

the beatings were daily!

OP posts:
kittylettekissingsanta · 18/12/2006 12:19

sorry my grandad wasnt resentful, he was sorry ..

im getting a bit worked up and upset here. sorry

OP posts:
nearlythree · 18/12/2006 13:18

What about your mum? Could you talk to her?

FWIW I have a similar situation in my family, but the relationship is distant enough for me to cut off my relations with little comment. However, even though they have 'changed' I would never allow them near my dcs.

You may have to accept these people are in your life. I would try to give yourself a break from them atm, until you feel less angry. I have three children under five and I've found that it's become much harder to know about cruelty to children. I think you need to find a way for yourself to deal with this - maybe even a couple of counselling sessions.

fairyjay · 18/12/2006 13:46

I mean step away both physically and emotionally, if you can.

If it is possible, can you halt the weekly visits, but without making a huge issue?

It sounds as if you perhaps need some outside help to work thru' this.

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