Share your experiences of attempting a relationship when you or they are " not ready"

[PysgodMawr]

I have another thread about my feelings re this. ( can't link on phone )
My bf of 9m , ended things this weekend because he felt he was not fully over his separation. I knew this was difficult for him all along, but hoped that in time it would work out.

I know he had and has feelings for me. I know this isn't personal and that he is being sensible in seeking space for himself . He says it would not be fair for me to hang on in hope , accepting less than what a relationship should be. He doesn't want to have to be concerned with anyone else's feelings and needs to be selfish .
I get it. But I am so disappointed and hurt .
Last month , he told me he had reached a point of feeling ready to move ahead, and that he was falling in love with me.
We planned to introduce our dc in the next few weeks.
It is a shock for me, and came out of the blue.
Please share any similar stories from either side of the experience .

Chris you sound lovely. I don't think there is anything wrong with you ! It sounds as though you are being honest and fair with him. He sounds lovely ,too.
My BF used to say that my understanding and patience made him fall for me more. Now, he has said it makes him feel crap, because he can see how happy and relaxed I am, whilst he has been feeling anxious and panicky. He questions what is wrong with him, and why I would be happy. he says he just can't hold this position any more.

Chris , I think it is a question of balance - of your needs and his. Your doubts are yours, but they have an impact on him. I wonder if you could explain that at certain times you may be affected by your wobbles, and agree a way to manage this that helps you both at those times?
I would have been happy, for example, for him to have said he needed to ne busy for a week or so , but to have made a date for a certain time ahead, and stuck to that. And then, for him to have decided within himself , that on that date, he would put aside thoughts of doubts and come with intent to be relaxed and enjoy.

Not easy, I know. But as an example, my teens can be very challenging ( of course!) as can my job. I have gone to see him at times when i have felt wrung out by emotional stuff; but have put it aside during our time together ,and enjoyed the benefits of what we did and had.
That's not to say I put my needs aside. I have off loaded to him , and he has been supportive. I just mean that life will always present stuff which makes us experience difficult feelings, especially anxiety. For me, having a great evening or weekend planned, lightened the load, and helped me return feeling lighter.
For him, it was obviously not the case.

I've felt the brunt of this a few times, and call me cynical but I find all the "you're wonderful but I'm not ready", "it's not you, it's me" is mainly BS. I think it's the "nice" man's way of saying "I'm not into you enough to carry on with this but I don't want you to think badly of poor little me". Plus not once have these men got back in touch, even after a few years of "space", which I'd expect them to do if I was as bloody wonderful as they said

A counsellor told me that humans - unless they're martyrs - are fundametally selfish and will ultimately do what works best for them. They don't end a relationship with a person they're truely happy with because it would benefit their partner, they end it because the cons outweigh the pros.

Makes sense, WALOOB. Hard to stomach, but makes sense.

Chris, 3 months is always the time where I'd evaluate a relationship; has it got potential to go further or not, and if not I'd end it. So maybe it's the 3 month itch you're going through? Personally, if you are honestly into him rather than gettign cold feet because of something he's doing that you're not 100% sure about, then tell him you want to take things very slowly. That you don't want another serious relationship for the forseable future, that you just want to date and have space. Have an idea on your head about how often you'd want to see him, and how much contact inbetween. I think you have to be really honest with him, and I mean honest. If you think it may be in any way that he's not right for you then end it now.

How are you today, PysgodMawr? I hope you had a decent sleep.

Thank you for the replies to me - much appreciated.

I do think its got the potential to go further and it is nothing he is doing that is putting me off - its just the scariness of entering into another relationship that is making me feel nervous and panicked. He knows this, and we agreed to take things slowly.

I am just not sure it is going slowly - I am just not used to this, I don't know what is slow and what is fast. We see each other at least 1/2 times a week. I spent a week with him over the Christmas period (and loved it). We text all the time - just general chit chat. We haven't met each others friends/family. Is this normal for 3 months in??

I never feel stressed or panicked when we are together - I am always so relaxed around him and we laugh a lot. Its just when I come away, and have time to reflect, that I start to feel tense about it.

It all sounds normal and good Chris
I am sad and tired. We have been seeing one another every week for 9 months. More often recently . Since he said he was becoming relaxed and falling in love. It was his initiative to move things forward , not mine . I would have carried on as we were.
Maybe he panicked . Maybe it was deliberate move towards ending. I am confused and finding it hard to adjust.
He replied to my email las night with a brief exchange online. Saying he was sorry , had not begin the conversation intending to end things , but that it evolved that way , because he saw how upset I became. He says the extent of my upset has confirmed that he has to do the right thing.
I was upset. But not in my opinion , overly so. I did cry and I did express confusion and sadness .
But who knows. I know old schemas have been triggered about loss and abandonment.
I am reading the thread about fear of being left with interest. Maybe I drive him away with my anxieties without my realising I was revealing them.

PysgodMawr - so sorry you are feeling so sad and tired . Have you expressed everything you have said here, to him?

Is there definitely no hope for the two of you? If not, then I hope that email is the last you hear from him - anything else would be cruel and selfish of him. You need the space to heal.

I too have abandonment issues, sometimes I think maybe I should end it before he does, or that my indecisiveness will drive him away. Are you able to link the thread about fear of being left?

I don't know how to link on my phone - it's called " fear of him leaving " . It's not mine , and I didn't behave exactly like the op describes - not at all to him as far as I'm aware. But I do identify with a lot of what she says. However , I have done lots of therapy about this and worked hard on myself .
My other thread is called " come and help an old poster who is triggered by ending . Again " it went quiet quickly which was why I began this one.
I am in work - work ft. Am mh prac. I know I am triggered. But I also know that I am responding to real sadness and that he did tell me things were now ok. This is a shock as much as anything. We spent 2 days together and the discussion happened two hours after midnight on NY eve .
He says he has to do this for himself , and sounds completely sure . My sense is that he is relieved and may have been working up to it.
It is rather cruel, immature and irresponsible . And yes, it would be cruel of him to continue to contact me. He hasn't since early evening yesterday and that was brief and to the point
I have to learn about letting go and accepting. Previous relationships have been toxic and recovery was never about my sadness at loss of something which felt good. This is about a man I liked a lot and was falling in love with. That's new for me. I believe I was calm and light in my interactions . Maybe he is projecting his own fears and anxieties and acting in a way which gives him a feeling of being in control of those.
But ultimately, like anyone, he is free to decide not to continue for any reason at all and I must just accept that.

Sounds like it was going too fast for him.
You can not make someone. If he wants to quit he will. it is better sooner than later as it could make much more damage to you and if there are Dcs involved.
A change of heart rarely happens...

"I am just not sure it is going slowly - I am just not used to this, I don't know what is slow and what is fast. We see each other at least 1/2 times a week. I spent a week with him over the Christmas period (and loved it). We text all the time - just general chit chat. We haven't met each others friends/family. Is this normal for 3 months in??"

It's all relative I suppose so what feels slow to one person feels faster to another. To give you another perspective, I've been dating my bloke for 2 years and neither of us were looking for anything full on or heavy. So we see each other once per week maximum (depends on workload and other commitments) and have text chats 2-3 times per week. So I get a lot of physical and mental space. We saw each other for a total of 3/4 days over xmas/NY. So, for me, what you have would be verging on too much. Spending a whole week together seems pretty full on for such a young relationship IMO. Texting all the time would feel suffocating to me because I need to be left alone for a day or so so I can begin to miss the other person. If they are always with me, either physically or by text etc that can't happen. I also wouldn't expect to (deliberately) meet the family or friends until a relationship is really serious and long term, so think it's good that you've not done that yet.
Do you have the space away from each other?

When I first told him that I didn't want to get into a relationship and that I thought it was getting too serious and that we maybe should leave it a while, he was totally understanding. We didn't have any communication at all the next day, and I felt wretched. Really sad. I missed it a lot, and was glad when it picked up again.

Sometimes I do think: is the texting is too much? But then I like the stream of texts...its like we are thinking out loud, but sharing it with each other. Is that weird? Obviously there are times when we don't text - busy times at work, when we are out with our respective friends, when we are busy with our DC etc. But of an evening when we are both sat at home alone, its basically a constant stream of texting...and I do like it. It keeps the loneliness at bay, and he makes me laugh. We send you tube links, amusing photos of random stuff etc etc.

I guess the last 3 months have been very intense on the whole texting front, and in that respect I don't really get space away from him. But I don't feel suffocated by that - I feel reassured...

I think the constant texting sounds OTT, at any stage, tbh! Means you're not really having "headspace" and focusing on him a lot. and that you might want to think about why you want both space/to go slow but also the seeming reassurance of high (but digital) contact.

OP, I do think your ex has been selfish and unkind, at best, and that minimal contact now would be sensible.

If the relationship was better than past ones that's really good! Next time (only if/once you're ready of course!) perhaps adjust your radar and "rules", eg no one who's only recently split up with / moved out from their ex!

Thanks Duck - I agree its excessive. And sometimes I think its weird. But at no point have I heard a text come through from him and thought "oh god, not him again". I usually smile.

It is strange that I should want to go slow / have space and then feel such reassurance from the high contact. I don't understand myself.

PysgodMawr - I hope you are feeling a bit better today. I agree with Duck - if this relationship was better than past toxic ones, then you are making progress. You aren't falling into the same patterns. And you have to use this experience as a learning curve, as Duck says - adjust your radar for the next potential fella, when you are ready to date again.

for you

Why do you say he's cruel and immature? There isn't an easy way to end a relationship. His way sounds fairly straightforward. Ending it with a 30 minute rant about all your failings would be cruel and immature

A counsellor told me that humans - unless they're martyrs - are fundametally selfish and will ultimately do what works best for them. They don't end a relationship with a person they're truely happy with because it would benefit their partner, they end it because the cons outweigh the pros.

I have to say I would agree with that but there are always exceptions I guess.

My friend has had the 'It's not you, I'm just not ready for a relationship with anyone' chat levelled at her three times, on each occasion they've got back with the ex or someone new within days.

The alternative is to list the things about your partner which annoy you which can feel cruel. I think it's because people don't like being cruel that they say the it's not you it's me stuff, and because people usually realise that the person they've had a relationship isn't unlovable and nasty just not what they are looking for.
Finding a life partner (or partner for a few years) is tricky, I'd rather be alone than with someone who didn't feel right.
This bloke for whatever reason didn't feel the OP was right for him. There isn't a kind way to say this. I used to hate ending relationships.

PysgodMawr, I read your OP and thought how like your BF I was five years ago.

I was in my late 40s when I was widowed after a long marriage. 18 months later I met a lovely man and we had some good times together and I really enjoyed being with him. I knew he was getting quite serious about me and I continued to try to keep our relationship on a semi-casual basis as I wasn't ready to fully commit. I wasn't too keen on introducing him to my children or my extended family, particularly my late DH's family because I felt it was too soon for them to accept a "replacement" for their son. What started out as a new, exciting relationship was then becoming a bit strained. He thought I was ashamed of him due to not introducing him to my family and then when he told me he loved me, I couldn't say it back. We bumbled on for a few more months and then he started pressurising me to go on holiday together, but I felt I couldn't leave my children at home alone (they were 18 and 21) so I declined to go. So, 9 months after we met, we split up.

We had a small amount of contact over the following few months and he appeared to have moved on. However, seven months after we split up, we met for a coffee and a few weeks after that we got back together. This time, I felt truly ready to commit to him so he was introduced to the whole family and my friends. He got on well with my DC and they accepted him without any problems. We got married six months ago and couldn't be happier

I hope it works out well for you. If he's not ready there's not much you can do at the moment, but be patient and he may come round. Just don't pressurise him - there's nothing worse than being frogmarched into a relationship when you still have hurt feelings or grief or painful memories of the past.

spickle thank you for your post. I am so glad it worked out for you both.
I had a long talk with my ex last night. He said he really did not want an ending , but could not and cannot see how it would be fair for him to continue to ask me to hang on , while he blows hot and cold , now that he realises I have strong feelings. He said his feelings and attachment to me did and have shifted , and he meant what he said . But then he experienced even greater panic and anxiety and feels terrible guilt for causing me pain.
He accepts that he moved things on and was then unable to handle what he saw as the implications . Even though he agrees that I did not ask for any changes .
We agreed that we had fallen into a routine of meeting one night a week and once at the weekend - and have been doing this since July , with only one weekend apart.
We both did this but both neglected other friends and activities. It was the logistics of his and my dc which led to it being difficult to be more spontaneous. We both admitted last night that we were uncomfortable with the routine , but neither wanted to hurt the other by looking at a change - and both of us agreed that we wanted equally to spend the time together.
He said he has wanted to suggest more space and to slow things right down, but that my very upset reaction had led him to think a complete break would be kinder. That anything else would be him using me or misleading me.
He says he still doesn't want to imagine never seeing me.
We didn't discuss a way forward for us. We were being honest . Probably more than we have been before.
He knows about my past ( childhood abandonment , ea relationships) I am aware that once he admitted feelings , I did become more anxious and became clingy over Christmas , which is always a bad time for me.
He said he should have taken greater responsibility for the way he expressed his feelings because he knew about my vulnerability.
We agreed that the past few weeks were tense and that something was not being addressed. It didn't really come out of the blue , we had been avoiding it.
He has major family stuff going on right now. Memorial for loss of relative approaching and many logistical things to grapple with.
We didn't discuss meeting.
He said he would like us to be friends and to feel we can talk and maybe plan to watch a film or something soon. I guess that is a discussion about meeting, in honesty .
I don't want to hope for anything. I need to look into myself and consider my feelings in the context of my last issues and what I can cope with . I miss him and my feelings are strong. I guess on balance , this is a useful experience for me. But painful.

Hi Pysgodmawr
My experience is not exactly the same but I thought you might want to hear it. I was seeing someone this time last year and fell for him in a big way, we had only been seeing each other a few months when I said I would like to see a bit more of him and he completely backed off said he couldn't give me what I wanted and we wanted different things, before this conversation things had been going well. I was heartbroken but we ended up breaking up and I never spoke to him again. He wanted to be friends but this would have been to painful for me at the time. He too had been separated for a couple of years.

At new year he got back in touch and said he still thought about me and wanted very much to try again. We have met up a couple of times and we have been talking a lot. He says he is ready now to be with me but last year he was scared of himself and how he reacted to me.

He is so sorry and saying all the right things to me but obviously I am very wary but I do still have feelings for him and want to see how things turn out.

So your partner may well be telling the truth only time will tell. My heart goes out to you it's very painful to lose someone you love, but you want someone to be with you for the right reasons - because they love you and you deserve that.

Thank you Paddington

Hi PysgodMawr

How are you doing? From your last (longer) post am I right in thinking there might be hope for the two of you? That you are going to meet again?

Spikle - what a lovely story - so things can work out.

Paddington - I hope things work out with you too

Hi Chris , thanks for thinking of me.
We did meet. He is clearly ambivalent and had not intended to actually break off. However , he is still as confused and unsure as ever. He is absolutely clear that he believes it is/ was inappropriate for him to have begun something without a break.
He actually wants me to make him feel better about this , by accepting that his declaration of love was all about making me feel better for having hung on. And his confusion.
Which is enough for me to realise that I actually deserve better. I invested genuinely.
Whether he did or not at the time , he cannot even accept responsibility for that. He says he is accepting responsibility now by ( get this ) his wish to comfort me and be my friend.
It is disappointing to realise that he is as flaky and immature as this.
The realisation is helping me to let go, however.
I am sad and disappointed. But accepting that this would never have been good for me.
So I am in the regular and familiar place of getting over a break up and trying to learn my lessons .
The rejection hurts - despite his efforts to continue to try to explain that he has not rejected me and it is about him. Dry lol.
I am drawing a line and am not available to him for further analysis in order to soothe his conscience .
Where are the grown up men ?
I am too old for all this.

Oh, PysgodMawr, I have been thinking about you a lot over the last few days, and what a sad post to read. You sound so deflated.

Yet at the same time, its good that you are able to realise that you are worth more than what he had to offer not much and that you sound certain about the decision to split (although heartbroken)

I do worry how it will end up with my fella.

Oh dear. Maybe he's just a wuss who can't make his mind up, but there is also the possibility that he's actually a dick and all this handwringing is about putting you in your place. You don't want to marry him or have his children, you are comfortable and confident about the idea of an easygoing, friendly relationship. Some men really can't handle that. They have to feel in control, they have to feel that the woman is anxious and determined to please them and defer to them. So they start fannying around deliberately to see how much shit she will eat, how quickly they can make her submit and obey. That's why they won't actually dump a woman they claim they are basically Not That Into, and why they have to keep poking away (texts, emails, 'let's meet up as friends' etc to make sure she hasn't moved on.)