What's the first thing to do when your marriage has gone down the swanny?

[cutekids]

i haven't got a clue!
I haven't got a job.i've got 3 children.
i posted under another name about september and got accused of being a troll.
(hubbie was texting another man with very sexual content).
sorted it all out.believed him when he told me he'd never lie to me again about anything.yesterday morning,after he'd been away all week,i commented that considering he'd given up smoking his bag stunk.he said he'd been thinking the same and he needed to get the bag washed.he bareface lied to me-again! As my nanna used to say,"you can catch a thief,u can't catch a liar",I'm wondering what else he's been lying about for the last 18 years!The trust has gone. I love him so much,but i can't stay with a liar. What's the first thing I need to do?

Talk to him and decide what you want to do.

We've talked and talked. He promised that there were never gonna be anymore secrets. But-although comparatively trivial-he's done it again. How do you live with no trust?

What do you want to do then?

Do you want him to leave? Relate?

don't get the bag thing sorry

what does it prove?

I remember your last thread.
I don't know what to suggest, do you still think he is lying about other things or is this the straw that broke the camels back!

the bag thing is his bag! he works all over the country!!!his empty bag stunk of smoke!

Talking of camels, he lived with this bloke in Saudi for 2 years.(He lived with him in Ireland for about 4 years on and off!)I don't want to harp on about my hubbie's relationships though. I just want to know how to go about things. Where do I start the ball rolling? I've got no money of my own. I haven't worked for years. I've got to keep food on the table. Where do I start?

I don't know anything at all about your situation, was just asking

dh smells of smoke if he goes to a pub; so do I; neither of us smoke. If he had his bag with him, or clothes in it, it might pick up the smell

it's not the sort of thing I would think anything about but obviously you have other proper reasons to worry

go to www.entitledto.co.uk or your local jobcentre office, they will tell you what benefits/tax credits you are entitled to.
I don't know about your housing situation, perhaps speak to your local authority about getting housed with them or see a solicitor to see if you can stay in the family home.

See wot u mean capp! was looking thru his wallet for a lost receipt..perfectly innocent! came across a receipt and noticed that there were fags on it. then another.then another! When confronted,he admitted to it.unfortunately,i've resorted to this low-down way of looking into his phone and private stuff and i keep finding things! he admitted to smoking this morning even though he bare-faced it out yesterday...he's a fantastic liar!(considering i'm the most suspicious person in the world!) and i only realized it after 18 years together!!!how f*ing stupid am i?

am i on a blacklist here? i seem to kill every thread i'm on and i don't know why?

maybe he smoked and he feels bad about it

and he knows what thin ice he's skating on

so he just hid

capp,it's his lies not his smoking that's pissing me off! i told him a couple of weeks ago he had every chance of telling me the whole truth...about anything..! i got into trouble gambling a few months ago. i couldn't hold it in for more than a couple of hours, let alone a couple of days/weeks/months/years/decades/never....!It seems i have to catch him at everything he does....ie.relationship with my kids'godfather...!...before he'll admit to anything. i'm totally lost. this is the man i've trusted for 18 years for god's sake...smoking's the last thing to worry me!

I think you are hounding him about every little thing. give him a break

either you trust him, or you dont. If not - then you need to break up. In the grand scheme of things lying to you about a few fags is not the end of the world.

if its about much more than the fags ( and it sounds like it is )then talk to him about whats really bothering you - over and over again if you need too, but dont keep on about the little things

just MHO

do the same thing as if the washing machine broke

get a new one

I think you need to get realistic about eachother....what marriage is there where there aren't 'trivial' lies going on I wonder?! Certainly not mine! I tell DH that dress was £10 in the sale when I just had to buy it brand new for £60......he tells me he doesn't fancy Angelina Jolie....he told me that he didn't drop a coal to make that burn on the carpet cos he doesn't realise I know every inch of it and know it wasn't there when we moved in....etc etc....this for me is all on a level with the smelly bag thing.....it's as you say, comparatively trivial. You are completely setting yourselves up for failure if you expect eachother to have 'no more secrets' even trivial ones. Trivial lies are what most human interactions are based on!

Of course important things like the sexual texting need to be discussed and I think a more trusting ethos, where you CAN let the small stuff go, will help here. But I don't think you need to look at little things meaning there is necessarily a 'bigger' picture of lies....it's possible, but you'll only find out by really talking and listening to eachother.

I know lots of "ex-smokers" who hide the fact that they still occasionally smoke from their partners. In the grand scheme of things, I don't think such a lie would be a make or break type lie, to be fair... But maybe, as someone else says, it's the straw that breaks the camel's back for you.

Agree with sunny I have many £5 shoes in my wardrobe You can't reaqlly finish things over this

OP has said that it isn't the smoking, it's the lies. She has been betrayed in a fundamental way, and it isn't much to ask that OH tells the truth about other things which may or may not look trivial to others. Smoking isn't that big a deal true, it's not the thing which will make or break an 18 year relationship (and break up a family with 3 children) but it is important to feel like you're in an honest and open adult relationship. However it looks like he values being able to keep secrets and conceal things.
As a matter of interest CK, how would you react if he smoked in front of you or told you he was smoking? Just wondering if this is a big issue in your relationship, or if he is just being a schoolboy tw*t. Not trying to justify his lying!
I don't bl**dy blame you for looking through his wallet, you obviously don't trust him, and for what sounds like good reason.
Sunnysideup, I too have plenty of pretend £10 items of clothing in my wardrobe, but I have never betrayed my OH or lied about anything significant (...give or take..) which allows me the luxury of occasional white lies. Looks to me like CK's OH gave up this privilege a long time ago!
I really hope there's a way forward for you together, like OPs say, counselling could really help, if he is prepared to open up and be honest with you.

I do see what you mean but littlemonkey my point was that the op is simply setting her relationship up for CERTAIN failure if she is going to expect utter and complete honesty in all things; it's just not realistic. Yes, they need to be more open and communicate with eachother in an emotionally honest and truthful way but I think we'd all be living alone without friends if we expected complete honesty from others.