Christmas presents from estranged relatives - keep, return, bin?

[wasabipeas]

DH and I were away with his family over New Year, and while we were away, my DB and SIL spent a couple of nights in our house while visiting friends in the area.
They had left before we got home, and left us a bottle of wine, chocolates and some food in the fridge to say thanks for letting them stay, along with 2 wrapped presents, with each of our names on the paper. No card or gift tag.

We opened them (nothing special, traditional 'Christmasy' things), and I sent a text to my DB to say thanks for the pressies, and let's catch up soon.

I've just spoken to him and he said the presents were from my father, who I haven't spoken to for nearly a year. I asked why he has bought us presents, and DB said it might be an 'olive branch'.

The last contact I had with him was by email, in which I said that until him and his wife were prepared to apologise for something they had said and done, DH and I would not be seeing them.

We still haven't had an apology, they still refuse to accept they did anything wrong, and I'm not inclined to accept a cheap present in lieu of clearing the air and getting an apology.

My first reaction is that I should return them, but I've spoken to DH and he thinks that is both passive aggressive and closes the door permanently. He thinks we should keep them and not acknowledge receiving them.

Thoughts?

Of course people handle similar events differently. Reasonable people usually don't try and impose their way of handling difficult things on other people as 'the only way' or blame shift when someone is quite reasonably upset...

I think you were right to request an apology.

Sadly we can't change others or make them behave how we see fit.

I don't think you should be too harsh on your brother but perhaps tell him that in the future you want him to refuse all presents etc

And it was the mum and dad who had the miscarriages. The dad's response was not "we had not thought about it" it was "we have had prior discussions about how unreasonable we think you are" which indicates the announcement was indeed a cruelly planned event to publicly put the op in her place.

Wasabipeas your SM sounds awful and your Dad was certainly out of order in not saying anything about her horrible insensitive "announcement". In your circumstances I think Atilla may well be correct. I would do nothing and wait to see whether his conscience ever prompts him to make a genuine and proper apology.

Offred I can see where you are coming from but relatives do find it difficult to suddenly cut sending all gifts to kids they have previously been very close to.The motive isn't always to put the parents in the wrong-it can be difficult to know what is the kindest thing to do. I agree that it isn't on to continue to send gifts to adults who have asked not to receive them.

It had honestly never occurred to me that I had included the dc in our problems. My concern was more that on their birthday they would say " where's our card from aunty dontunderstand" and then be upset/ annoyed when told they didn't have one.

I will speak to dmil when I next see her and try and casually see if the dn presents were well received.

Being nc is a hard thing- there are no rules or a guidebook to follow .

What has happened to the op is truly awful, I am not sure i could forgive or forget and I equally don't think a random christmas gift is enough to build bridges.

I wish you well OP and hope you find a solution about the gifts. I would probably give them to charity and inform ddad that is what you have done and will do with any future presents.

Zen - I understand it is difficult to let go. Especially when the other person is abusive and dangerous and you may be concerned.

Unfortunately you will never be able to control what your DSIL says to the DC about you. They may well keep the presents from the DC or use the opportunity to bad mouth you to them... Speaking to MIL about the presents and how/whether they are received is possibly a good idea.

The last one was to dont btw

And I do accept dealing with fractures in relationships with the children of adults who are estranged is a different situation to dealing with estrangement between adults.

Estrangement often happens where there is abuse in a relationship but it is not always the victim who requests estrangement or only one party who is abusive.

Estrangement is usually the best way of handling abuse, accepting an estrangement and how to handle things is very difficult no matter the rights and wrongs, for everyone involved.

The last gift from my NC relations went to a charity shop. Thankfully relationship is now well and truly over so never had anything further from them. Don't engage with any contact as it just repeats the cycle.

Just to clarify-in my particular situation the other party is not abusive or dangerous-but I can see that that is the case for some people.

As if by textbook magic, I've now had a text message
"Happy new year, speak soon, love Dad"
Does anyone know if I block his number, does he know I've blocked it (ie do messages reject etc?) or will I just not receive future messages?

No, he shouldn't know if you have an iPhone. He might guess;

Texts seem to be delivered but don't come through. Calls go straight to voicemail but you don't receive any that are left.

He might guess you have blocked him and he might tell people you have and how unreasonable that is(!), but he won't know when and won't know whether you received the new year text.

Thanks Offred
He is completely technically inept, so would probably still assume I'm just ignoring him
He is in such denial about this that there is a part of me that thinks he will call or text to say that he is going to come over to our house when he is in the area or something similar, so on that basis, I'd rather not block him.

My ex Mil gave me slippers for Christmas, wrong size, when I went to change them they were worth 99p. In sale for over a year. Five or so years ago she have me slippers worth 1p, (not on stock system), They were so old! Her son, my ex only left seven months ago. So when I phoned her and told her I thought her gift was a reject from last Christmas she got all hissy. I let her know I know. Her reaction was embarrassed to say the least, I don't need or want her in my life. Certain amount of satisfaction in letting her know I know.....