Two affairs-shattered and lost

[DazedandConfused44]

Ok here it is. We've been married for nearly 9 years together for 12. I have two sons 18&16 one lives with us one with his mum. One D 8.
Back in May 15 I sensed something was amiss and went looking and found texts between my W and a chap she's known for many years but(apparently) not well. They were flirtatious and sexual in nature and alluded to previous contact all be it in a tenuous way. I sat on them for a few days but couldn't cope with the knowledge so approched my W. She told me it was all fabricated based on an on going joke between them and she agreed it was completely inappropriate and that she had already messaged him to say as much. She apologised and said he did too as they realised it had hurt me. Although we agreed to carry on as usual my confidence was badly knocked as there had never been any suggestion of straying before- a little flirtation maybe but that's something that attracted her to me in the first place.
For the next few months things returned to normal but for me there was an under current and a feeling of uneas which I couldn't shake. I guess that might have made me hard to live with perhaps but at Oct half term we fell out over arrangements for child cover and she goes out and gets a solicitor!? I'm pretty stunned and am really suspicious by now so after a few weeks I have a look on her iPad and find a bunch of emails to a different guy who she met indirectly through work. They are quite romantic and seem weighted to her doing the chasing. So again I confront her and she is busy mitigating the contact but by now she's sounding pretty hollow. She did admit to there having been lots more emails/contact but that as it didn't mean anything she'd deleted then. I love her and my dd very much and I agree to put this on line affair behind us and go away for the weekend 12 Dec that was pre planned. Although we had a pleasant evening with her acting like the first flush of romance which resembled the email soppyness I'd read to this second chap, the 'more contact' comments she'd alluded to were nawing away at me.
When we got back to the room I asked to see what might be on her phone if I was to trust her again. She cried and she procrastinated but in the end let me see. OHhhh brother did I see. It was the worst(best!!?) fantasy sex filth I've ever read. Full on hard core with subject matter I'd been previously informed in no uncertain terms was off limits- porn/anal etc( not that these were requests of mine in the past). I also found evidence of hotel room booked which she admitted was intended for afternoon sex but says never got used which I'm fairly certain is true. She referred to me as 'twat' throughout the text exchange which is hurtful as I'm a fully involved father and hands on husband due to her disability and quite long bouts of depression. She discusses him getting to know our daughter better and how she has no idea why I'm so bothered about the choice of the new tiles we just chose as I won't be here to enjoy them. It took an hour to read the volume of text messages so you can imagine how much hurtful and vile stuff there was.
So it's all on line is the adamant story and it's all over so to cut a long story short I forgive her and she gives me the pass codes to iPad, phone and find my iPad and I'm feeling these are all the right things to do. So after a few days I think well why not? That's why she's done it so I check.
In her email sent box( one of 4 email addresses she has) I find a trail of emails to the first chap going back over a year! Naked pictures and videos and loads of sexy/ dirty and romantic chat. They met at a London hotel 'for dinner' when I thought she was at a hen do. She claims nothing happened. Finally she admits as was documented in an email one physical meeting at his office after hours where they kissed and he fondled her naked breasts. It kills me to write that down and cannot shake that image. Also she booked lunche and hotel room but didn't do them...... It had, she says all simmered down and they had returned to just friends when I uncovered all of this Monday prior to Christmas. They had just agreed to keep it all concealed and that's what they had agreed from the outset.
I'm shattered. I'm exhausted and have lost a stone. I'm camped out in the spare room and apart from a few tears and answering my questions(honestly??!) she hasn't approched the subject of her own volition even though she knows that's what I want. It's been the underlying 'problem' in our marriage all along and what I've been asking her to do more of- communicate. There are as usual lots of subtleties to this story but that's pretty much it.
Can you come back from this? Really? Sorry this so long but it feels a bit better just writing it down. Yours sincerely- 'the twat'😔

Bless you
Al those times that she said it was just talk, or she thought about sex but didn't go through with it - they were all lies. Cheaters lie, they say only what they can't deny and they deny the rest. You have tried to forgive her over and over so when are you going to call it a day? She's not repentant is she? She will do it again.

People won't blame you if you tell the truth - don't cover it up for her.

Oh, the one where it was 'just thinking about sex'?

I heard that one, too. Until he admitted, finally, that yes, there was sex.

Hi Dazed, I had hundreds of emails to read, too, lots of intimate descriptions of what they'd done together that they described as their "novel" - she said she was keeping the emails to read when they were old and remember all the crazy things they had got up to when they were young. In my case it was clear from the emails that they had used the hotel rooms. They also went on holiday together a few times ... in your position I'd now just assume that they (and others) did every possible shitty thing they could together and be done with it. Get checked out for STIs and send her the bill.

The cheater has to persuade the affair partner that they don't have a proper marriage (that they are "forced" to cheat through "desperation" or whatever), so your wife has likely told him stuff (lies/exaggeration) about you that fit with her calling you a twat. It doesn't mean you're a twat, or anything really except that she is trying to justify her crap.

Whatever you might have done wrong in the marriage that does not justify cheating. If she had a problem with you, there are plenty of decent ways to deal with that.

I also can't really see the point in trying to get past this. You just have one life, why not spend it with people you like? Friends, family, yourself, a new partner eventually. I'm two years on, and now just about able to be friendly with my husband, as we have split up and I have little to do with him. My children are older (youngest was 14 at the time); I'd say the time leading up to the split was the worst point for them. Immediately after the split there was relief, and since then it's gradually got better.

It is horrible at first, when all your expectations for your life are suddenly pulled away from beneath your feet, but you do get used to the new situation. I don't like the way it happened, but I now see the split as a good thing. It's given me a new chance to be myself.

Yep, we've all felt the initial shame.
But... it's not YOUR shame. It's all hers.
It's hard to get your head around at first but you will get there.
Don't hide or keep her dirty secrets. You owe her nothing.
I did that and it was a massive relief when I finally told people.
The help and support I got was amazing and got me through it.
So if you can, please share this with someone in RL.
You will not believe the stress that is lifted from your shoulders when you do.

In answer to your original OP. Can it be got past? I could not get past 5% of the stuff you have uncovered let alone the rest - Christ almighty OP, walk away now. Get a lawyer. You can never have any sort of meaningful relationship with her now as she is an inveterate liar.

No you can't and you shouldn't. You deserve so, so much more. To be treated like this is disgusting and she's humiliated you so much, to stay would be putting your own self worth on the line. She's not who you think she is. I also don't believe her when she says no sex was involved, with either, and believe she is minimising. To keep referring to you as the 'twat' is shocking.

If you stay you will be mentally tormented because after finding out the first time. Then trusting her. She has again done the same with a second man. She can't be trusted. I think you should leave. It obviously will be hard at first but not as hard as the torment you will face for a long time by staying.

Ashamed ? that you took so long to find out ? She has been spending hours & weeks playing around, she is unfaithful, she doesn't like you as her texts show, & is dreaming of you being gone (bathroom tiles)
Sadly, there is unlikely to be any recovery. Is she even sorry?

She seems lost and unable to connect to our marriage plodding on in her own world

Rather than being "unable" to connect to your marriage, surely she's proved time and again that she simply doesn't want to?

I completely get your being uncomfortable about sharing this, feeling a bit ashamed and all the rest - we all feel the same initially, even though we know there's no real reason to, but HellsBells is right that it's only when you start to reach out that the load begins to lift

She's treating you like this now because she can - there seems no remorse, no commitment to your marriage, nothing - so surely the only "major" thing to do is to ask her to leave

I feel physically sick reading all the stuff she's said and done. Seriously there is nothing here to fight for. How should could do all those things to you and your daughter I have no idea. Don't feel ashamed OP, you sound like a good husband and dad. She's the one who should be ashamed of herself. She needs a bloody good scrub in a bath of bleach, filthy! Please get yourself to tested, take care of yourself and get yourself some RL support. That woman is bad!

Oh my goodness.

This is absolutely awful.

No, I really don't see how you could come back from this or where you'd go back to?!

She has behaved utterly appallingly.

There is nothing for you to be ashamed about, it must be a huge shock to have discovered all this. Don't forget that she knows what she's been up to all this time and is therefore going to be prepared for the fallout much more than you are.

You are having to assimilate this new and shocking information before making a decision, is it really a surprise that you are all over the place?

Jeez.

You definitely are not to blame for her affairs.

Make sure you get some information about your rights and a good solicitor committed to reducing conflict between you - resolution are a good place to start.

OP that sounds terrible. But maybe it isnt about you. I mean that in the kindest way. I tripped over this talk last night which might help make sense of what you're going through.
www.ted.com/talks/esther_perel_rethinking_infidelity_a_talk_for_anyone_who_has_ever_loved