Abusive step dad dying - I don't know how to feel

[Tillyscoutsmum]

I don't know where to start and I have no idea if/how/why anyone would respond but I just need to get this down...

My step dad is very ill. He has tumours on his lungs (albeit slow growing ones). He can't have any treatment because he also has COPD. He currently has pleurisy and my mum has just called to say he's being rushed to hospital because he now has sepsis. All in all, things don't look good.

He was a vile, abusive man when I was a child. I left home at 16 and have maintained contact because of my mum. I hated him but as he has become an old and ill, I've softened slightly.

But I just don't know how I'm supposed to feel about his likely impending death. I feel numb tbh.

I feel for my mum. My nan died yesterday and my grandad and aunt both died over the past couple of years. To lose her mum, dad, sister and husband within the space of 2 years is obviously devastating. I don't know how she'll cope. And then, this is the part that truly makes me a complete selfish bitch, I know she'll be relying and expecting so much from me (only child). I love her but our relationship is strained because she always sided with him, minimised the physical and emotional abuse she witnessed (and was also a victim of) and point blank refused to believe he sexually abused me.

Fuck this is long!!

Anyway. I'm a bit of a mess. I can't do anything practically right now. I'm on my own with sleeping dc's. I feel so bad for not ^feeling^ anything

Very well done, Tilly - it sounds as if you've handled it ideally

Sickening to hear yet more woolly excuses for him - I had this with my own mother who also failed to protect me from my father's abuse - but it is what it is and she really can't expect any show of distress from you over his death

It's clear that you need no guidance in how to behave decently, so all you can do is offer what support you feel able to without compromising yourself. Somehow I'm confident you'll manage it just fine

Let her have today tilly but from tomorrow correct her every time she says some minimising crap like that.

"He sexually abused me to years mum, and you know it, he didn't think the world of me, he hurt me, and so did you by letting him."

No mercy on this subject.

Otherwise she will rewrite history so fast you'll even doubt yourself.

Glad you know the way to stately homes, because it means you know that you're not alone.

AF, when the time comes for you love, I'll be on the first train - all you gotta do is say the word.
.. And I know there will be hundreds of others on that train too ... We might even get a group discount...

I and the rest of my step father's first and second families were not allowed to attend his funeral. Not that I wanted to but my half sister (his daughter) did.

Because no one wanted to hear the complete truth about what a vile abusive bastard he was lies we would have said to his third family.

I know, Hissy x

Hissy is correct - and given that your mother will be even more keen to create her own narrative now he's not around to prove otherwise, she may well stop mentioning him to you at all if you refuse to go along with it. Which would probably be a huge relief

Concerning her own loss (which you may perhaps feel uncomfortable around) would it be helpful to give her the contacts for bereavement support groups?

Hissy is right.
I think it would be very wrong for you to go to his funeral, and I would put her straight as to why you're not going.
No more elephants in the room from now on.
Good luck x

Great post above from talkinginthedark
Sorry for what you have been and are going through.
I think 'relief' is the appropriate word, here, and glad for you that you were 'too late'.
Brace yourself for that awkwardness when a nasty piece of work becomes a saint by virtue of their death......

My Dad was abusive..I was nc for years.... When I found out he died I just felt relief..It was the end of a chapter..No expectation I may one day want to talk to him again..I felt a sense of freedom.

I was under a psychaitrist at the time and concerned about my lack of feelings.... He basically told me I had already grieved for the relationship I didn't have already..

I then started feeling very sorry for my mum..but after contacting her realised that nothing had changed...

Do what is right for you at this time..

Thank you. That's made me cry.

Tilly, am really hoping you meant it made you cry in a good way! (As in, feeling compassion for yourself, allowing out some of the old hurt, kind of thing.) A bit worried though in case it wasn't, certainly didn't mean to add to your pain and sorry if I did.

I'm glad you didn't have to see him before he died, anyway. And I hope the support on this thread plus whatever other support you can mobilise in RL enables you to protect yourself as much as possible from your mother's lies and denial. Denial like hers is pitiful, really, but it's dangerous too, and you deserve better.

My grandad was a vile, horrible, abusive shithead. Luckily I didn't really know him and only met him a handful of times. I know of some of the things he did and what he was capable of. When I found out he died I literally just shrugged and said "good", I couldn't have cared less and have never felt any guilt.

If there is one thing being abandoned by my 'mother' as a young child has taught me, it's family means fuck all sometimes and sharing blood with people doesn't mean you owe them anything, practically or emotionally.

I wouldn't want to support your mother because she is the person who should have protected you and she is the person who allowed this arsehole to abuse you so badly. She shouldn't be expecting anything of you. Are you going to go to the funeral? I'm assuming your mother is going to ask you to go at least for her sake (personally I think you should tell her where to go but it's your call obviously).

If I found out the person who abused me was dying, I'd honestly not give a shit

Well yes, in theory. Rather different in practice ime.

It's called a 'complex bereavement' bcs there are many conflicting strands. You have a lot to unpack here and i'd advise you to seek out professional support. There too much going on here for you to handle alone imo.

Ime of everyone thinking the sun shone out of his revolting backside it's not as simple as stating your case.

I can relate, I have no idea how I'll feel when my mother dies - not exactly an easy death.

Good luck OP, and don't feel bad for not feeling what you've been told to feel. It's ok ...