sick of lazy partner

[riab]

I am SOOOOO tired and depressed.

This year on top of 2 bouts of severe flu i have bought the Xmas pressie's for my family and his family, got the cards, sorted out decorations, done all childcare, got up 6 nights out of 7 every week at 2 or 3am with a screaming baby, invited his parents for Xmas, gritted my teeth when his brother decided to tag along for the Xmas visit.
this means I still have to tidy all the rooms, make up 2 spare beds, move DS into my room for 4 days to make space for BIL, buy extra food, plan menu's around BIL veggie etc etc

We have a half finished room that every weekend he has said 'i'll get that done this weekend' or 'it'll only take 3-4 hrs' this has been going on for 3 months. last month i took DS away for the weekend - i dont; drive so I had to handle an active toddler on a 3 hr trian journey. then when we arrived Ds was ill for 3 days - thoriwng up, no sleep for me etc.

DH had 3 nights of blissful sleep and 1 1 /2 days over the weekend of no baby in the house, did the work get done? did it hell!

Last week he took a day off on annual leave, he got up late, read in his dressing gown til lunchtime and then pottered in the afternoon. soudns lovely? well i had a temp of 40, sore throat, aches and shivers and had been up since 4am. I got cross cos he didn't even offer to pick DS up from creche and he said 'well I cooked his lunch didn't i?'

What is it about men? they do ONE job all day and they want you to praise them for it, give them a gold bloody star and then they sulk if you point out that maybe there are still a million other jobs to do?

Feeling like I'd be better off as a single aprent, yes i'd miss him like hell. But i thinkt he person i'm missing is the partner I had before DS arrived. DH just doesn't seem to pull his weight at home. But every time I try and raise the subject with him he gets all angry and points out that he works during the day. I don't see why his day (wihtout baby gloop, scremaing fits and having the ability to sit down with a coffee) is harder than mine.
I do do all the night wakings during the week, plus I run errands for DH like dry clenaing and doing his expenses.
I do all the hsopping, pay the bills, blance the household accounts, deal with maintanance and repairs, etc.

I'm just so P**D right now, I felt awful all day saturday and when I said - I cna't stop aching do you think there's anythign strogner a GP could give me for the pain. He just responded 'oh your mums dying again, she just eats painkillers'
Like I got flu deliberatly!?!

He was really off all day and put out cos i was 'miserable' I was bloody ILL! of course i was miserable! yet despite this i still managed to drag myself out and take DS to the park cos DH decided he needed a nap in the afternoon.

being the one at home is hard you need totalk to your dh tell him how yiou feel or plan stuff that you all need to helop with and let him know

OK, I think you need to talk to him about this. I also think you really need him to understand the stuff you do, he does sound lazy and inconsiderate. Could you go away on your own for a couple of days and leave him with ds so he gets the idea?

Sorry, I don't know what else to suggest, I'd find tihs very tough indeed.

He needs a boot applied to his arse IMO. Since he's so firmly in denial, maybe you should say, right, let's both write down all the tasks we do on an average weekend day? Or point out that his paid working day is 8 hours or whatever while he seems to think yours is 24?

you may find you need to create a massive scene to get through to him - rational calm is all very well but if he just argues back you may need to up the ante and spring some shock tactics - crockery smashing, removal to spare room with slammed doors firmly locked, purchase of extravagances for self etc.

Some men do seem to think that if you are getting on with doing things then you are probably really ok about it even if you moan a bit. What they don't realise is that feeding the baby is not optional - unlike painting the spare room. rr.

sit down yourself too. cook and tidy just for your and your ds. when bil visits, let him chase after your bil. say you have to chase after your son and too busy to do anything else. let everything else go to pot. say that you are as tired as he and you don't intend to do anything else between now and 2nd Jan.

some such would be my strategy. it works wonders around here when i do a version of this in mine.

Oh so much sympathy for you riab, my DH gets a bit like this sometimes and I find the gentle approach doesn't do anything either. I find that snapping and crying hysterically usually gets through though, he looks so shocked that my calm facade has broken that he listens to what I'm actually saying.

As for crockery smashing, I have tried cutlery throwing and that worked (but of course it was me who mended the chipped floor!). Refusing sexual favours has quite an effect too, "well if you helped me I'd have the energy, but I'm too tired now cos I've done this and this and this and this and this and this......."

Don't do anything for him. Don't wash his clothes, iron or put them away. Don't cook him a meal, basically go on strike. Just sort yourself and teh kids do. My Dh has phases like this. When i ask him to do stuff, I am a 'nag' he has just had 4 days offf, he managed to wash his car and put the Xmas lights up. I had 2 days off and did the food shopping, washing, cleaning, ironing, etc. Know how you feel, and it is worse when you are tired.

I can't do the crying or throwing things lark, he just gets all cold and distant and says things like 'you're always crying' or 'I can't cope with you when you're lal emotional'

I've tried the tired=no sex argument too - but he thinks our sex life is crap anyway and so he just sulks and says I'm always putting barriers in the way.

I'm just so tired of all this, I feel like I'm turning into a nag and a whinger. What really gets me is that he disengages whenever I am ill or upset. When I was ill this weekend it honestly felt like I was in the room with someone who not only didn't care how I felt but who thought I was doing it on purpose to upset HIS weekend! I yelled at him and he simply said - yes i never wanted to be a 'carer' really sarky like as if I needed round the lcock care or soemthing? all i dammed well wanted was a bit of sympathy for feeling bloody awful and maybe a cuppa and hot water bottle making up.

So i need advice, this is my normal day, do you think i'm overreacting to DH lack of help at home or not?

up at 6am with DS. Put load of washing on, or put drying out/in tumble dryer.
Get milk ready for DS
DH gets up at 7am and goes to work at 8am.
I'm with DS (in a major temper tantrum and destructive phase right now) all day.
Wash up tea things from last night and DH and mine breakfast things. Wash all DS bottles and sterilise.
Take washing / drying out. get DS ready and take to playgroup.
11am LUNCH, make lunch and feed DS, dodging flying spoons as he decides its more fun to ping food at mom.
12pm DS usually asleep (thank god)
Often do online order for food or sort out bills while DS has a nap at lunchtime wash up DS lunch and breakfast things, clean highchair, hoover living room.
3pm walk with DS, shopping
4pm Tea - repeat of lunchtime
5pm drink and video while I tidy kitchen/put shopping away
6pm, DS bath - DH comes home. I often have to remind him to help with bath, but then I put DS to bed so DH can get changed and relax for 15-30 minutes.
7pm food - occasionally DH has started to cook something but more often I get DS settled and come down to try and work out what we feel like eating.
Put more washing/drying on on or sort out clean clothes while tea is cooking.
8pm finish tea, try and summon up energy to wash up, more often than not leave it.
Desultary effort to tidy up and hoover before bedtime as soon as possible.
10pm bedtime

1am, DS awake, drag myself in change nappy and give a drink
2am DS asleep, me trying to get back to sleep
5.30am DS awake again - ready to start the day.

And of course the sorting out carpet cleaning, tidying and preparing for visitprs, organsing Xmas party for DS, doing DH expenses, helping DH write a report for work etc gets fitted in as well.

I'd go away for a week except I just know he'd cope by not doing anything that i do, so Ds would be in mucky clothes and fed on crisps all week.

Why do you hoover twice a day? Yes I think that your DH is a lazy bugger, but I also think that you are doing more than you need to, to keep the house going.

Relax a bit more...take some time for yourself when DS is asleep...maybe if you did this you would have more engergy and wwould feel calmer, thus allowing you to plan your strategy with rubbish DH.

Juust a suggestiion.

why dont you have some time to yourself while ds naps, looks like he has quite a long nap, so could you have an hour to yourself

I think you've lost something you (as a couple) used to have - sounds like you are full of resentment and both of you are a bit knackered. Can you arrange someone to have ds for the night and go away together? Just have a bit of time when the two of you can have fun?

I'm afraid I agree with Rocklover, it does sound like you do more than you need to. For instance, I hoover once a week and do the whole house, with DD "helping" me, then I whizz round the kitchen/living room every day or 2 or just sweep the kitchen floor.

Can't your DH do his own expenses and reports for work? Also I don't know how old he is, but is there any chance your DS can help tidy up before bed? DD is 15 months and I've recently got her to put all her toys away before bed (while we wait for her milk to warm up).

I think it's good that you manage to get out the house for a walk each day, I know it helps keep me sane!

One more hint, I have a menu of what we have for tea which covers 4 weeks so I know in advance what to buy/cook. This helps enormouosly as I know when I get up what's for tea tonight so I don't have the "eek it's 5 o'clock, what can I throw together?" It also means that some days I can get it partly ready while DD is aleep in the afternoon so I have bit more time later on.

Oh dear, I've just read through my post and it sounds like I'm Anthea Turner which I'm really not! Our house is acceptably clean/tidy but not show-home quality, but I find that these few things help me to keep in control of my days...

Can't believe people think i do more than i need too - not saying that sarkily, just despairingly! The house is an absolute TIP! I hoover twice a day cos DS creates so much havoc with crumbs etc in living room. I keep planning on implementing an 'eating only in kitchen rule' but DH wouldn't stick to it.

I just feel crap, the house is always untidy, I never get to the bottom of the washing pile and the ironing is overflowing.

I'd love to pay for a cleaner but I'm scared that with the house so messy/chaotic with DIY work still not finished i can't ask for someone to tackle it!

Worried that when i go back to work 2 days in january i'll still end up doing all this.

Can you put the rule in place now and make DH stick to it by explaining why it's needed and perhaps suggesting that if he wants DS to eat elsewhere he can deal with the subsequent mess? I've had little battles like this with DH and have found that it's a bit like laying down rules for children, in that if you don't get them in place and stick to them they creep and creep until you have no control over anything and you spend the whole time chasing after them both clearing up. Sounds like your DH needs a good boot up his arse!

Message withdrawn

I agree that he sounds like a lazy arse. Foxinsoxs had a great idea there when she suggested going away, just the two off you. Maybe he's stopped looking at you as the woman he fell in love with and is taking you a bit for granted and that is why the nagging is washing over him.

Regarding housework my strategy is to just let the house get messy during the day and tidy/clean it when the boys (4 and 3) are in bed. I once saw a fridge magnet that read "tidying up whilst the kids are still growing is like shovelling snow when it's still snowing" - lame but oh so true! I also only iron school clothes, everything else gets folded pretty much straight out of the dryer before it gets time to crease. I pay all my bills by monthly direct debit so I never have bill time. I have just about given up on the european washing mountain in our bathroom though!

I also second Moosmas suggestion of having a menu so you can cut time off your shopping/cooking. If you cook twice as much as you need to, you can freeze the extra and then you can have a night every now and then when you don't have to cook from scratch.

Good luck

My husband's the same. I think he enjoys picking on the one thing I haven't 'achieved' - his word - each day, be it changing a bed or cleaning the bathroom whatever and takes no notice of everything I've done. I am sure they honestly believe that all housewives sit at home watching tricia all day and that everything gets done by fairies. Like the previous post, he earns a lot and thinks I should be glad of the lifestyle it affords, so what if he's a lousy contributor to the balance of home life. He commonly nags me to have more children too - does anybody else have this? Whilst being far too busy and important e-mailing/blackberrying etc to pay his actual dd any real and valid attention. Makes my blood boil

I feel lame posting on this because sadly the only complaint that I have about my DH is that he leaves his damp towel on the bed whilst he gets dressed but he does put it back on the radiator when he is dressed
(ducks)

I am SAHM with 3.5 yr old and 7 month old, all my food is ordered on-line (so easy, why does it matter HOW it gets to you as long as it does) plus it is something you can actually keep a secret if your DH would disapprove!!! I have a list of all the main meals we ever eat so I can easily compile a menu for the week (make the most of your freezer)that way if you are putting DS to bed your DH knows what to cook.

Why do you have to put DS to bed and why does your DH need 15-30 minutes break???? When is your break?? My DH comes home and gives ME a break!!!!

I never tidy in the day, I pick up stuff after the boys are in bed, hoover when I can (cough cough about once a week)

Bills are paid by direct debit, even the quaterly stuff like the water bill - full amount taken.

Can you get a dishwasher???? Also get a cleaner, and no don't tidy your house before they come, that is what you pay them for. My sister has a cleaner, she picks up all the toys but has stripped floorboards and her cleaner does the floors, bathroom and kitchen. Sheer bliss.

Put your feet up when DS sleeps in the day.

I do think some men, especially when their partner is ill, deliberately do not step up as it would mean that they would have to do it when you are not ill. What does he do all evening whislt you are running around?

Don't want to open a can of worms, but DH read part of this and said that he disagrees with the part about your DH having to "do baby stuff as soon as he gets in". The one and only rule he has ever laid down in stone for us is that when he gets in from work he gets 10 minutes to himself before he does anything at all, in return he often plays with DD while I wash up after tea.

His first wife always flung the baby at him with a "thank goodness you're home, here, do a bath" and it drove him mad! Now I start DD's bath and he comes up after 5 minutes and plays with her and helps talc her etc, and because I haven't forced it he enjoys it. Is there any way you could give him his little break when he gets in, making him feel like you're making a sacrifice for him, then maybe he'll do the same back (you know how they love to haggle...)

Well the way I look at it though, DH has time to himself on the way home from work (15 mins drive) with music on and no running commentary from the back.
So he gets the kids as soon as he gets home while I cook supper (unless they've already eaten). He has not seen the children all day therefore it is a lovely (ahem) opportunity for him to spend time with them.
We both do bath times and each of us takes it in turn to put either ds or dd to bed.
I obviously do the bulk of things round the house but if in the evening I am getting on with something (regrouting the tiles in the kitchen and cleaning the utility room tonight) he will get on with something house-based as well (sorting the washing out tonight).
I honestly cannot believe that people stand for the argument that they have been at work all day and therefore the wife/husband at home has total responsibility for the house/children. Being at home with small children, however much you enjoy it, and however often you socialise during the day, is incredibly draining IMO purely because there is very little opporunity for quiet time on your own.

Eek, the worm can is opened!

I had another thought this morning, would it be possible to shift your DS's daily routine along an hour or so, so that you're not getting up so early and maybe have a bit more evening to spend alone with your DH? Not sure how that would mess up your teatime though...

pooka - thats my argument too! DH does have a very stresful job which he hates. But my view is that at least in his job he can
a) leave at the end of the day
b) he has coffe thats hot and not propped on a mantlepice until it gets cold cos thats out of the way of darling DS
c) he gets 1 hr each day commuting time when he can listen to music, read a book, think or just daydream without sticky fingers on him.

Okay here's my plan:
1 - lunchtime nap (DS is for 1 1/2 hrs) so thats 30 minutes lunchbreak for me, 30 minutes doing online stuff with a cuppa and 30 minutes tidying - NOT 10 minutes snatched ofod then 1hr 20 tidying etc.

2 - no food in living room unless you IMMEDIATLY get hoover out and clear up

3 - we take it in turns to put DS to bed and whoever isnt' doing that organsises tea

At the weekend we each get one FULL half day off, that means the other person deals with DS for the whole time from get up to bedtime. (last time DH gave me an afternoon off i got Ds up form nap, got him dressed, then DH took him out for a walk for 90 minutes , then i fed DS his tea, bathed him and put him too bed!)
we spend one half day as a family then the other half day is negotiable depending on what else we have on.

DH manages his own reports and expenses or he 'pays' me to do them by swapping the time. Ie I spend 2 hrs doign expenses he does extra time at weekend or gets up in the night that night.

I'm thinkign of writing it out as a 'what i want for Xmas list'

Sounds like a good plan to me, I hope you both stick to it! Let us know how it goes...

long talk, big cry and DH is planning a trip away for us in march minus littleun, He also said go for a massage and send the ironing out.

Blimey!

Sounds like you got through - enjoy and I hope it lasts!