How to break up with bipolar DP?

[tigerbear]

I've posted on here before about my DP, who is bipolar. (Apologies to all of the lovely posters who took the time out to advise me a few months ago, who had experience of being with someone with the illness. I'm afraid I disappeared from the thread when the general consensus - aside from a handful of posters who'd stayed with their DP/DH long term - told me that being with someone who has it is totally draining. At the time - about 6 months ago when DP was first diagnosed - I wanted to believe that he'd somehow, miraculously get better quickly on his medication, and that we'd get through it.

Now, 6 months down the line, he seems to be getting worse, not better. He says he feels that the medication (he's on the highest dosage of Lithium safely possible) isn't doing anything for him, and his mum and I agree.

Things have come to a head over Christmas, as he refused to come to stay with me and my family in my hometown, or to go to his mum's several hours from where we live (not together), saying he wanted to be completely alone in his flat for the entire festive period. What I thought might happen did happen, he had an episode, went off radar in terms of no/scant contact with me or his mum, and basically worried all of us senseless.
Over Christmas, I was with my 4 year old DD at my mums house (so couldn't just dash back to London to check on him), I had pneumonia, and also had a massive falling out with my brother on Boxing Day, which upset me massively, yet DP didn't contact me for 24 hours after I'd told him of the falling out, and didn't contact me for 12 hours after I told him Id been diagnosed with pneumonia.

God, I've just realised that this has turned into a massive post, so the upshot is, I'm so tired of the constant ups and downs, the lack of support when I need it, the worrying, etc, but how do I break up with him in a kind way? He's only just coming out the week long episode now, and is quite fragile. He already knows I'm upset with him for the lack of support and contact, and I feel guilty for being hurt and angry, when I know he has no control over his actions...

Hrm.

First of all, the decision whether to stay or go is totally yours. I can't advise either way. The one thing I would say is that if you feel you can't cope with the condition and would just be sticking around in the hope that it might go away, then you should leave, because in my experience it doesn't.

I am lucky in lots of ways. I'm lucky in that I have an amazing and supportive family who have looked after me during periods of my life when I've not been able to work, including offering financial support. I'm lucky that I have an incredible and understanding OH who has forgiven me some awful things - scary, and inappropriate things - and has been the person who has shouted at me to take my meds, driven me to A&E, listened to me babbling at psychiatrists and eventually brought me my PJs in the psych ward, and then turned up every day with food to make sure I'd eat. I'm lucky in that I've found meds which work for me - which keep stable, which stop me having episodes, which also have side effects which enable me to hold down a job and relationship and don't wipe me out totally. Although they have been responsible for me gaining a chunk of weight and I'm lucky OH has been supportive through that too.

I'm lucky in all this, and I've also had to fight bloody hard to get the help I need, to stay on the straight and narrow, to keep myself motivated to go on. It's a battle every single day, because I don't like my meds. They suck> They make me feel slow and heavy and stupid. I miss hypomania. I miss feeling amazing, I miss being creative and in control and knowing I could rule the world. I keep going for my OH and my family and because I know I have to. But it's hard. And there is no guarantee I'll be strong enough to stick to it and not guarantee that I won't relapse anyway.

The only deal I can offer my OH is that I can try, we can hope, and we can hope that at the end, the good times we have will outweigh the bad. He says (we talked about this earlier) that he considers our relationship to be about 60% wonderful, 20% OK, 5% tough but deal-able with and 5% pure hell. And he's decided that for him, those are numbers he can take. And if he knows I'm trying my best, then he'll suck up the 5% of sheer hell and ride it out in the hopes of the future. He knows that right now I'm in remission but there is always a chance that I'll lapse again and that being with me means accepting that. As we're TTC next year, with the full support of my psych team, and this is high risk, he knows the bad times may come sooner rather than later. But for him, the risk is worth it. And I am thankful every day that he is willing to take that chance for me.

But he has to take that chance. He always has to take that chance. Bipolar never goes away. It can go into remission. But it'll always be the jack in the box at the back of the wardrobe. And if you can't deal with this, and can't accept it and want the condition to go away, then I think you should break up with your DP for both your sakes.

As a note, happy to talk more via PM if you want boring stuff on meds and details of what I'm like when I'm in a crazy fit. And if you do give him another go, then good luck.

(God, this is an essay. Sorry for the epic length)

MrsChanning and Tabsicle, thank you very much for sharing your insight, experience and advice, it's been very much appreciated.

I have spent much of the day thinking about what to do, and I think it would be best to end the relationship, sadly.
Tabsicle, your DH sounds amazing and supportive, but I don't think I'm strong enough to be the support my DP needs. I've also had depression in the past, and two of us in a relationship with MH issues (albeit mine are controllable and I haven't had a proper depressive period for 2 years), is particularly sustainable.
Although I'd love to support him, it's not always feasible to dash over to check on him if he's gone AWOL or having an episode, as we don't live together and I have DD to consider.
Tabsicle, correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like you have a 'normal' family set up, with routine, etc. The difference with DP is that he has no routine whatsoever to help keep him on track, and works in an industry where drugs and drink and erratic lifestyle are the norm, and it's all he knows.

MrsChanning - your insight about the innapropriate comments has been very useful, thanks. It's gone some way towards helping me understand that it's the illness talking, not that he's evil or dangerous (I hope!).

I have never met your partner obviously, but based on what you've said he is probably not mentally stable. This is quite possibly made worse by erratic lifestyle / career. Especially if the industry he works in means he is drinking a lot and taking drugs. Drugs make it worse, and inhibit the medication from working.

MrsChanning, he works in music journalism, so is surrounded by drink and drugs. He isn't regularly doing drugs now, but used to be addicted to coke (before I met him).

Tiger - Where is your daughter in all of this? Your BF seems to be occupying a lot of your headspace, taking up emotional energy and a fairly disruptive influence in your life. Do you think your energies are currently directed towards the right priorities in your life? Or you getting something out out of all this drama, whether consciously or otherwise?

For what it's worth, I think that you are probably doing the right thing in leaving, but I also hope that he is able to get his life together and get a bit more sorted. I think it's certainly possible.

I was never a music journalist, but I do work in a creative profession. I would disagree with MrsChanning (sorry!) that someone with BP is limited in their career. I think some level of stability and structure is a helpful thing but you can create that for yourself if you want, in any profession. But then I spent many years fighting with my CPN about whether I should be working at all, let alone in my actual profession.

Drugs, however, I'd agree are a flat out bad thing. They mess with the meds.

I think my main feeling, from what you've said, is that it's mostly that he's so early on in diagnosis and has such a long way to go and you're not someone who has the time and strength to go with him. And that's OK.