I'm at a bit of a low point at the moment. I am on the verge of panic all the time. I need to be strong as I am only at the beginning of what looks like a long messy divorce but I am struggling and my situation feels dire.
I moved to the country I currently live in 6 years ago to work. I met my stbxh a few months later. Whirlwind romance, both keen to settle down and get married, start a family both about to turn 30. Thought it was different to previous relationships as no games or anything, he was just keen and helpful and kind. I earned a lot more than him but didn't care about that. He struggled to find a job and got one but just a low skill type job that he felt he was too good for. We got engaged and then I got pregnant, by this point we'd been together about 8 months. I inherited some money and decided to use it to buy land and build a house. This went in his name as not being a citizen of this country meant I couldn't have it in my name.
We got married, had 2 dc and our relationship just got worse and worse. I was isolated and living in quite poor and basic conditions. On maternity leave I was on less than half my income and with his low earnings too we were very hard up. Things felt constantly on the verge of crisis. He never wanted to do anything or go anywhere, even to take the kids to the park or go for a walk. He became nasty and spoke to me in an aggressive way. Our communication was terrible. He put me down a lot and seemed to feel that he himself was very hard done by. He was only really happy when he was drinking, he would drink at home every night but he never went out, neither did I. He made it seem like I was not able to do a lot of things here and that he had to do them, eroding my confidence and independence. I was unhappy but was coping and going along ok on a certain level. I went back to work after each maternity leave and I enjoyed my work and got on with people there, felt less isolated. And enjoyed my dcs.
All the money I earned just disappeared, there was always something to do on the house or the cars (both of which I bought). My parents helped us out financially at times and he seemed to scorn the idea of paying them back and in the end they would say we didn't have to anyway.
In Feb of last year I had had enough. I initially told him I wanted to separate and I saw he was just going to manipulate me to stay or refuse to leave and I just rented a flat and moved with my dcs. I was very happy to be away and the dcs (aged at the time 18 months and 3.5 years) settled in. He saw them every weekend initially and then I changed it to every second weekend as they were so disrupted by seeing him every weekend. He also said toxic things to them about how he wanted us to all live together etc. I found a family therapist to talk to us both to try and get him to understand the effect on the children but I think it had little impact.
When I left he immediately said he had problems and he felt terrible for the way he'd treated me and he started going for counselling. But I didn't love him any more and I was so happy to be free from him and to have control of my life and money back that there was no way I would want to reconcile.
I decided after a few months that as I was feeling stronger and clearer about what I wanted, I would like to move back to the house and him to leave. I was spending a fortune on rent and bills and the house was paid for by me so I thought I may as well live there. Plus more space for the dcs, a garden etc.
Initially he refused to leave. He said I can't just change my mind as and when I feel like it and he doesn't have to do what I say any more. I went to see a lawyer and in effect pressed charges against him. He was furious about this. He left the house and I moved back in, although legally the house is still his.
We started divorce proceedings and I thought we would have to just go through court as he was so difficult to deal with. However, he suddenly wanted to try and agree out of court and so I drafted a proposal and he seems to not agree, though I believe it is far better for him than it would be if we went through court. He is trying to do everything to avoid putting the house in my name, including putting it in the children's names. He hasn't paid a penny towards them since I left and he is now quibbling over the amount of maintenance I have proposed, which is the minimum by law. He makes out he is the victim because I have taken his family from him and that all he wants is to be with his children. He turns on the tears every time I see him and says he still loves me and crap like that. He is going to fight me for custody.
I despise him. I don't want to be in this country any more. I am trapped, I have wasted all my money on something that is now tying me here even more.
My lawyer said the battle over the property could last up to 10 years and he will most probably get part ownership.
I can't see how he could get custody but the fact he'd even try to disturbs me.
I have been so understanding towards him throughout this and all it's done is make my own situation worse. I have nobody here really. I feel like the future is so bleak and desperate and yet I have to stay so strong to give my dc a good childhood and to make sure no-one can take them away from me.
This year is going to be about me fighting for everything. I need to get sole custody and financial contributions from him. I then have to fight for my house and try to leave this country. It's not going to be easy. I am seeing a psychotherapist as I wonder what made me get into this situation in the first place. I clearly need to work on myself in some ways. I was in the UK for Christmas and really felt what I am missing. I came back yesterday and dcs have gone to his for a week to stay with him and his ridiculous parents (father alcoholic, mother enabler/ controlling apron strings firmly in place) in their tiny shitty flat.
My dcs deserve so much better than this. So do I. What a horrible mess. I don't know what I want from writing this, maybe just to get it out, just to feel less alone. I have a lovely family but they are far away and worried and stressed by it all and I don't really have any good friends now. Been away too long and drifted from people back home and moved house a lot and where I am I don't know anyone I can really trust. I was seeing a man I really liked for a while but he left to work in another country. We're still in touch and he's the only other person who I can talk to about things.