Hubby and his response to change in dynamics at home (or lack of it)

[Mikethenight2good]

To start with, I would say hubby & I do equal around the house, on his days off if i am working he looks after the kids, he does more than his fair share of nursery drop off / pick ups etc. We generally work well. We both have our faults (he is messy, I am crap cook - lucky for us I am tidy, he is a good cook.)

But when there is a change in dynamics in our household, in my eyes, he doesn't step up plus it takes him ages to get with the programme.

When DC1 was born, we really struggled to adjust to being parents. I had a awful labour, and was quite down for awhile after. But eventually I got my shit together. However hubby was still in ‘his world’ eg last minute announcement he was off to the gym / out for drinks with no real thought of who has DC1. where as if I went out I had to remind him several times that he needed to be home as I was going out. He eventually got it, after many chats.

Then when I went back to work, he struggled to do his share of house / childcare. Again it took him awhile to get on board, whereas I felt I had no option but to just get on with it.

Roll on 2.5 years later & we have got into a good pattern of shared diaries / lists/ childcare rostas etc & on the whole we are doing well. We both contribute to the running of the house, & we generally get the same leisure time.

However I am expecting again & have found him to be totally not in tune with the current change in status quo again. I have gone down with a cold with a temperature & feeling generally shit. He is on nights. He can't sleep when we are in so we went out to see some family yesterday I started to become unwell & my sister packed me off to bed & looked after DC1 (love my sister). when we came home I told hubby I was sick & he had to take over looking after DC1 as I was having a bath & off to bed. Fine he did it no problem, because I told him what I needed.

During the evening my temperature was getting higher, I started to become worried & wasn't sure what I could take / not take. Hubby was like “I don't know” & went off to work. I felt he could have rung the out of hours doctor or checked NHS website. In the end I did it & went back to sleep.
He comes in this morning & heads to bed. He could have offered to give DC1 his breakfast or ring a family member to see if they could help today. As it happened I have DC1 breakfast, tidied up the kitchen from his dinner last night & rang my mum around 9 and asked if she could have my little one for a few hours. It didn't occur to him to clear up after dinner.

When he was sick a few weeks ago I came home early from work to make sure there was 2 of us for dinner bath & bed as well doing the cooking. He slept for all he needed etc etc. I even asked his sister for help so he could have some daytime to himself.

But when I need his help & can't explicitly say what I need, he can't seem to see it.

We have just had a row about it as his view I need to tell him, my point is it would be nice if he offered.

All this makes me worry about DC2 arrival. I feel if I am not on form organising help etc I am going to struggle. I start to feel resentment towards him from DC1 arrival & when I returned to work.

I feel as my husband, he should be able to see this shit, but at least offer above his usual.

A shit memory or he gaslights you.

they can hold down a reasonable good job & do planning thought shit there

so he doesn't actually have an issue that interferes with his thinking processes - sounds like he's playing the 'i'll get away with it for as long as i can by acting dumb' approach to 'stepping up'. He's not lacking in common sense - just thinks the world revolves around him and anyone who wants to change that will literally have to beg for it. It's sly behaviour and i'd end up losing respect for a partner who did this. I don't accept the bullshit that they just 'don't know' or the 'mars/venus' myth...this is his second child and he does not need prompting. He's just expecting you to get on with it all so HE and HIS life are not inconvenienced in anyway.

i couldn't put up with a lifetime of this from a partner. why does he need constant prompting to have consideration for your feelings?

Personally, i would have one last frank discussion about it with him - and be very blunt about it. Then if he carried on, i would just mirror back his behaviour to him - don't remind him about things, don't help him out like you usually do, if it comes to it i'd just focus on the dc and leave him to totally fend for himself....wait for him to feel the impact of constant lack of consideration and respect.

Then when he says something about it i'd remind him for the final time about him 'stepping up'. If he carries on i'd tell him i'm better off on my own without the constant stress and hassle of having to mother him as well.

Totally agree with DontMindMe.

I could not put up with having to micro manage a partner.

If he can hold down a job then he has no cognitive problems and is capable of planning and organising. It's just that he thinks domestic work and childcare are your responsibility, because he is the person in the family and you are a domestic appliance.

Though you are doing yourself no favours by whining and hinting and 'expecting' stuff rather than saying, I'm ill, you need to take over the childcare.

My stbxh is one of these men.
For 18 years I micro managed him. I didn't draw the conclusions you have so early on, I'm a do -er and go getter. I got on with stuff. I was tired a lot but he was obedient to any given instruction..... And boy, everything was an instruction. As per PP suggestions, I was happy to give a list or instructions for what was required.

He's a make-excuses man that he simply didn't think of that. So basically fuck all rotated through his mind. Ever.

He had the audacity to have an affair and blame me for it because I am, in his words, controlling.

After extensive counselling (me) (he apparently doesn't need it) I now realise that I am wholly in control of my life and surroundings. And he simply isn't.

Surprised nobody has mentioned it yet. Read the book called wifework.

It appears that he thinks that all this stuff is YOUR work really, and he is HELPING. That is probably his core conscience/ un conscience
thinking.

That type of thinking may have been fine in 1950 (I would felt like his employee even then, my mother was there then, hence I stayed in school), and he would have been bringing home the bacon. But to think that you are expected to do the sleep deprivation, and the thinking, while your financial contribution is beefing up what he would have had to do, it angers me.

The current reality of house prices means that at least two people need to have a job outside the home to pay for a house. If he expects the 'invisible work' of child care and house work to happen for free, through your juggling, he needs to take rain check.

He needs to know what it is you do. The alternatives are teaching him by leaving him to do what you do, so he learns (risky if you want to ensure your DCs health/safety/ happiness), or having a good talk and discussing bailing out.

Resentment kills a relationship.

I do think it's a bit crap that he didn't step up to take a greater share of childcare whilst you were clearly ill. That's inconsiderate.

However if I needed something.checking re medication, I wouldn't expect my husband to call for me. Likewise ringing.round and asking relatives to come and support on your behalf. In that situation I would be phoning for myself. But, maybe it's a different dynamic in your relationship?