Difficulties in relationship with husband

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I have recently separated from my H - though we are still living in the same house, both to try to do the best thing for our 4 children and not disrupt them too much, and also because moving would be financially difficult (H wouldn’t leave so I would have to leave him alone in our huge house and rent another one for me and children).

I’m finding it very difficult, and questioning whether I’m doing the right thing. I can’t see any way that we could have continued in a relationship, but my H maintains that he was happy before I told him that it was over and that it was a complete surprise to him.

From my point of view I have felt totally unsupported for a very long time, in many different ways, both emotional and practical. The relationship has deteriorated to an extent where for many years there has been no hand holding/hugging/kissing etc.

The children have got used to a situation where their parents are distant from each other and accept this as normal, though I don't want them to think this is normal and ‘OK’ for a relationship. They know now that we aren't a couple any more and I think have adjusted well to that.

My H has difficulties with remaining calm, he tends to over react to small things, both in terms of getting worried and needing lots of advice and reassurance, and also getting angry. He will lose his temper, and while he has never become physically aggressive, I have been scared and intimidated. When I have tried to explain to him how I felt at those times he tells me that I misunderstand him, and that I must be delusional to be scared.

He says that he was happy before, though acknowledges the lack of emotional support and physical affection that I have felt. We have discussed that he also must also have felt unsupported, but he says that he thought that was just how I was. I have over the last few years said to him that I wanted to leave, but he is still saying that he is shocked by the split.

I’m not sure how to move forward from this. I’m struggling massively with the guilt of what I am inflicting on my children - that they aren’t going to have parents who are married to each other, and all the emotional and practical changes that will go along with that. But I can’t see any way back - if anything I should have ended it sooner. My H and I don’t like each other any more, and I feel guilty that I have failed to maintain a good relationship with him through this.

I have asked him about going to couples counselling. I thought it would help us communicate and make our peace with the separation, and to plan a way forward. He won’t do this. He says that we communicate well, and that I am the cause of the problems. While I don’t accept that totally, the situation is obviously a toxic one, and I have been a part of that developing. I think that I will go to counselling on my own if he won’t come with me.

Sorry for the essay - it would be good to get any thoughts - am I being selfish? Is there anything glaring out from what I’ve written that I could do differently? Is counselling on my own a good idea if he won’t come with me? Thanks in advance for any replies

But you're not separated are you?

I'm not sure why you've said anything to the kids? If you've had no intimacy for years, the kids are not used to seeing you be touchy feely with your H, so there's no sudden change on that front.

You could have just moved into a spare bedroom (I take it you have one, if the house is "huge"), and told the kids that you had a bad back and that sleeping with H was not ideal.

I'm afraid that staying in the same house, just isn't going to work. Do you envisage bringing new Partners into this shared house? If you meet a nice guy, as soon as he hears that you're still living in the same house as your H, he is going to run a mile. The only men you will attract are going to be the types that are looking for affairs/nsa sex. Men looking for a LTR/future wife, will not tolerate this set up.

You need to sell the house, split the proceeds and buy a new home each, that is smaller. It's a tangled mess, but it can be done! Get a valuation done on the house, work out what money would be left after you've paid off the mortgage, divide that sum by 2, and then you know what price range of property you can afford.

Better to be in a small house, with the freedom to move on, than to stay in a huge house that has no soul, no love, and no future.

In my first marriage, I also had a "huge" house. But ExH was a dick. I am now in a house worth half what my previous marital home is worth. I am remarried, completely in love and could not be happier.

Home is where the heart is. "Huge" matters not.

You can do it!

I am in a separate bedroom. I only mentioned the size of the house because while we are still in the same house, we are physically separate.
You are right, it is a mess. I'm not worried about the size of the house I live in, but am worried about causing additional disruption to the children my forcing them to move and only live with one parent because of a choice that I have made (when it seems like my H would have carried on indefinitely as we were).

Yeh, we were the same. Even sat in different rooms at night, to watch TV. But that's no life for the kids is it?

My ExH was a high earner, so he bought me out, and with my money (and a new mortgage), I bought a house about a mile away.

The only down side from doing that, is the kids having to ferry between houses. That can be hard to watch.

I moved again, when married DH, and I'm now about 30 mins away. So I do a lot of ferrying back and forth. But when I did this, I knew it would only be for 3 years, as then kids would both move in to Uni Halls. I've got 4 months left until DC2 leaves school, thank goodness!!

I suppose you could stay in the house until the kids leave home. But that's only do-able if they are older, say mid teens. And unless you think they will move out to Uni at 18, they could be there until their 20's or even 30's!

I think you will realistically have to sell up and split properly.

If it came as a shock, did he not want to see what he could do to make it work?

The youngest child is 9, so still a way to go there.

He says it was a shock Doreen, but is well aware of the issues over time and that they hadn't got any better. I guess he just had his head in the sand. I think that we have both tried over the years to make things better, but any improvements have been small and very temporary.
We need to divorce, its just doing it in the best way for the children, and trying to keep some sort of working relationship between the adults going forwards.

What's glaring out at me from your post is that you need to consult a benefits calculator, and a lawyer, to determine your financial position after a split. And then put a plan into action to initiate divorce, find yourself a smaller place, and sell the big house.

You need stop this charade of living under the same roof and separate properly. Your DH is clearly not going to be cooperative, but he doesn't have to be: there are laws governing divorce. Use them - the law is your friend in this case, as it will make dispassionate decisions that you both have to abide by.

Don't stay in the same house as each other, it's soul destroying. I am currently doing this, although am moving out this month, after finally getting my xh to buy me out "Hurray"!
At first it was doable & as nothing was moving on the financial front I thought I could get on with it. Unfortunately a year down the line as he disappears for days on end to be with his new woman it is hell.
You can do this. It's only bricks & mortar. My new house is a historic timewarp. It needs so much doing decor wise it's funny, but it's all I could afford & no one can tell me what to do.
Good luck x