Surprising emotions -advice really needed!

[AnnP1963]

Good morning. I would really appreciate some advice I have been hit with some emotions that have taken me by surprise and I have never had these before . Here goes.
I had a very unhappy childhood my mum was very controlling and consequently hit us if we didn't conform to her wants and ways. She was always miserable and looking back now I think she was depressed. She is not a woman that many people warm to and my husband who is a wonderful man said he has never actually seen her happy. We have been married for 28 years. I left home and got married and I have in my husband the most patient caring man. He listens to all my mini moans and is very content with his lif. We had two children and I gave them both the childhood I never had we were like the three musketeers we were so happy, ther was endless trips swimming, days out to London attractions, lots of hugs and lots of love.
They went to a nice school and learnt well, they passed their exams and both went onto university. I am very proud of their achievements,me specially as they picked their own courses and their own university's.(my mother I can assure you would have intervened in any of my choices).

So here is my feelings. It is so hard now I worked so hard to provide them with a stable upbringing and me and my husband worked so hard to move away from our old loves and buy a house in a lovely area for them . There choice in partners is just hard to understand. I can assure you now I have only spoken to my husband abou this as I would never ever talk to them. I do not want to interfere however I am only human and I am allowed feelings which I admit have taken me by surprise. My eldest DD partner is just so boring and lazy to the point that my husband even thinks that too. We both don't think she is particularly happy and is now moving 100 miles away to be nearer the family and to make sure it works! I have to admit alarm bells have started in my head. The second daughter was with the most wonderful boyfriend who had the most loveliest of families and a flat and a good job. They are not together now as he started to lie to her and to be honest I could write a complete whole new thread on that situation !!!!!
She is now mealy a year later after the break up with this lad who comes from the really bad part of town. He has a dysfunctional family and has been engaged before! He is only 25 and yes he has been engaged before. It's early days but he does appear to be very kind to my daughter and like her has been hurt as his ex fiancé cheated on him. He has been honest and kind. But for some reason I thought she was going to marry a doctor, accountant or a lawyer I find myself thinks .what!!!!!!! But I really did I just wanted her to have a wonderful life with a wonderful in laws and I am just shocked I feel this way.

Please don't be harsh with me as I can honestly say it took a lot to write my feelings down this morning.

It's completely natural to want only the best for your children and to have dreams for them.

You and your dh sound wonderful parents. You have given your dc the two most important things - roots and wings. They are both now flying and must be free to make their own choices just as you were free to make yours. Be supportive and just 'there' for them - be welcoming to their partners and be happy for them. There must be something wonderful in them that perhaps you don't see yet but that your daughters have.

The only important thing is that your daughters are happy and as their Mum you must be able to tell if they are or not. If you feel that they are not, just make sure they know that you are there for them and that you only want their happiness.

So your daughter was with the sort of man you wanted her to be with and he lied to her and that's over.

A year later she is seeing someone else who you don't approve of because he comes from a bad part of town and has been engaged previously although he is kind to her and treats her well.

Is that right?

Firstly, you should have seen by now that owning a flat, having a 'good job' and coming from a nice family does not a good person make.

Secondly, there was a girl in my 6th form who was engaged (with rings, parties and announcements) three times during 6th form. She's been happily married to someone completely different for 15 years now.

Thirdly, don't be so fucking judgemental.

The bottom line is, you thought you could protect your daughters from the harsh realities of life by providing them with a nice home, good schooling and all the trappings of a nice middle class upbringing.

The reality is that all we can give our children is strength of character, self respect and self esteem to not be bothered by things like keeping up appearances and the shallowness of judgements based on someone's background. To be confident enough in their own feelings and judgments that they can make themselves happy.

It seems like you achieved this with your second daughter.

I have some very good friends who married doctors (and are drs themselves) and they are now divorced and an accountant friend who married an uneducated construction worker at nearly 40.

You can't protect your children from life because that's, well, life.

It doesn't read like it, but my 'thirdly' point was supposed to be a bit lighthearted rather than aggressive.

I'm not horrible, but you do meed to let go of some of these expectations you have that don't mean anything in reality.

Add message | Report | Message poster ThisIsStillFolkGirl Sat 02-Jan-16 09:18:10

You are so right. Especially about your third comment and I confess these feelings have taken me by complete surprise. I grew up in a very tough area of London and we worked so hard to get away and build our life in a good part. I know I know it sounds superficial but I suppose we all have little dreams and I know as I didn't really have a childhood I lived their childhood with them. We just had the best time, we really did they know what a happy childhood is and I do too now.
All of this is just hard to accept and take in . That's all I'll just shake myself up now.

My dh is great. He grew up on a council estate, left school with 3 o levels and had a series of low paid jobs. However, he is one of the most intelligent people I know, and over the last few years (we've been together 15) has got a-levels, a degree and a management job. None of that changes the things that attracted me to him - sense of humour, eclectic mix of knowledge, kindness and lots of volunteering hobbies which help others. While his dad died before I met him, his mother (sadly now struggling with dementia) was one of the kindest, sweetest and most caring people I have known. She was orphaned young, and separated from her siblings in an old school orphanage/workhouse. Despite this and the big health problems which arose from this, there is no doubt I am proud to have her as my MIL. What I'm saying is, don't judge a book by its cover. Sounds like your DD2 has found someone who shows himself to be exactly the sort of man you would want for her, rather than one who appears as is he should be from the outside.

Thank you. Your husband sounds just like mine it's a struggle I agree and we really do appreciate everything we have. I suppose I reality it's a case as letting them grow up 😢 lovely as it is to see them grow being with them when they are small is just the best isn't it 😀😀

I don't know, actually. When mine were little, I thought every new stage of development was my new favourite and I wanted them to stay there forever. But now my eldest is 17, I love the man he's growing up to be. He's kind and thoughtful and good fun.

He needs me in different ways now and I can't wait to see him fly and make a life for himself.

It sounds as though you're worried she's heading back to towards the life you escaped. But she's not. She's just trying to figure put this crazy place for herself and in her own way.

Fucking judgemental?? Harsh!

Well, as one who put in all the groundwork to the very best of all I had - and some - and then watched as the whole thing has come crashing down in a way i could never in a million years have imagined or predicted .. you have my sympathy.

Basically, we do our best then they make their choices. We just have to hope all that good stuff bears fruit one day, that they return to those anchoring experiences eventually that they say 'what am I doing! This is all wrong! and come to their senses . Young people have so many influences these days and can make some crap choices. It was ever thus of course! We have no way of knowing the choices our kids are going to make.

BUT it doesn't go that doctors/lawyers/whatever are necessarily good people. We want our kids to be in healthy, loving, nurturing relationships - and those can come from anywhere.

Dust yourself off darling, things don't always go perfectly for our kids. As much as we'd like it to. They have to learn their own way - as we did.

Thank you springydaffs I agree it is hard. I think what has surprised me the most is I am not a snob and yet I feel like one. I agree you do. It need to be a certain profession to be a good person. But I suppose I just wanted better for them. My eldest daughter is making a lot of bad choices in trying to appease her partner and I think that is so wrong and they are a teacher!! The youngest has just go to get on with it. One way or another it will work out I'm sure. I just don't like being taken by surprise by feelings I didn't expect to have. However I WILL NOT interfere I saw my mum do that on far too many occasions and in some cases it made my brother carry on going out with somebody just to get to my Mum. I will just smile sweetly and give thanks she is happy. I do however want to thank everyone who replied. It is very generous of you all to give up some time , I am very grateful and do appreciate your views. It's so good to have this forum😀😀😀😀

My df never said a word about my husband choice.

Until, standing outside the church, he said quietly " want a tenner for a cab?" And I stared at him in horror and realisation. because YES I DID. And it was too late. It's cost me years of misery and thousands of pounds ongoing to get away.

I wish he'd said quietly before. But we didn't have the relationship before. So al I can say is keep talking, invite them on weekends away, just you and dd's or one and the other, or just home alone and keep talking.

Keep showing them life. As an adult - what's out there for adults- like you did when they were small? But age appropriate now?

If you feel your dd is chasing after someone you don't feel values her then that isn't snobbery.

Well he is still around and i am trying so hard to take to him. I have to be honest my daughter is no angel!! She can be stroppy with the best of them! However i just don't feel right about this and this forum is the only place i can say how i feel. As i have said before i just can't say anything to her or my husband but i am so pleased you are all here.
x

Please if there is someone out there who could advise me i would be so very grateful. He has come round today and i promise you i have never ever felt this way about any o fmy daughters boyfriends but he just gives me the creeps. So much so i have had to make my excuses and leave the house to pop out today. I just can't put my finger on it and i am very very worried. He is very kind to her and thats lovely but i do feel liek she is going through the motions and i for the life of me cannot understnad any of this.

Should i say what i think?
Should i just say nothing?
As i say please do not judge me i just have the stragest feeling about this and i really cannot put my finger on this i promise. But if there are any ladies this afternoon who could throw some ideas i would be so very grateful. Because right now i feel sick to my stomach.