Living together...how do you cope with needing your own space?

[VelvetSpoon]

Bf and I are hoping to start living together later this year. At the moment we spend about 4 nights a week together, but never normally more than 2-3 nights in a row. We're together every other weekend, and a couple of times in the week (but obviously at work in the day).

I'm an only child and spent a lot of time alone (very happily) as a child. I lived on my own for a couple of years before I had my DC, and now it's been just me and them for 7 years. My DC are teens now so pretty independent and when they're at home spend a lot of time in their rooms, so I get plenty of time to myself. Even when they were younger, I used to go and sit on my own or hide when necessary telling them 'mummy needed some quiet time' .

I did live with my Ex for a number of years, however that was a pretty awful relationship most of the time and we used to generally avoid each other at home where possible...

So in this relationship, I love spending time with BF, I miss him all the time he's not here. BUT I love my own space, time for myself. He was here over Xmas, and it was lovely. But when he went home after 5 days I felt pleased to be on my own (even though at the same time I missed him not being there!). I appreciate that sounds a bit crazy

We get on really well. It's very easy and comfortable. But I think if we're together in the same house all the time it's going to result in conflict (as after Xmas I could feel myself getting niggly at him, and I think he felt similarly - that we actually needed some time apart).

So what's the way forward? How do you manage living with someone and keeping your own space? He (jokingly) said maybe one of us needs a job where we work late/nights a couple of times a week (or a hobby which keeps us out similarly) so we both get time to ourselves. It's either that or I build a shed for one of us in the garden to retreat to...

We exercise separately. Dh does most of the cooking and I leave him to it in the kitchen where he chops stuff and watches sport on tv.
We have a dining kitchen and living room and do often sit in different rooms doing stuff after dinner then come together to watch something at 9.
Dh also does bike mechanics outside and in summer I do the garden.

I like my own space too. It usually works itself out because DH has loads of rubbish TV programmes he records, so when he wants to watch those (which is mostly at a weekend), I go up to our room and read. I'm not a big TV watcher so this suits both of us.

I wouldn't move in in your circumstances. It being the "next step" isn't a good enough reason when you've already been up and down the stairs a few times. It's a huge step with kids and it sounds like it would make more sense to wait until your DC are off at uni. They'll be less fall out if it goes wrong and the house will be less crowded. Presumably you would both carry on with your large rent/mortgages if you split up.

Prior to kids, we would sometimes socialise separately with our "own" friends, I would go shopping or to the gym, DH would go swimming and to gigs that I wasn't interested in. Now we have children, often one of us will stay in to babysit so get a few hours once they're in bed. I'll sometimes go up to bed and watch TV/Netflix or read there so DH can do a bit of gaming when he fancies it.

Ultimately, I do want to live with him.

I just know myself well enough to know I will need my own space. I have a LOT of time to myself, I always have, and I just need to figure out how to manage that.

I have spoken to him, and he does understand my need for space. He has seen me get a bit edgy/ grumpy when we've spent an extended period together, so I know he gets it. He's also been living on his own for over 2 years now, and also enjoys having autonomy over his home.

We're not moving in immediately...realistically I think it will be after the summer. One of my DC might go to uni this year, however he may not, if he doesn't get the grades or decides to work for a year first. My younger DC almost certainly will not go. So I'm not sure I'd want to wait around for that - with the price of housing as it is round here, it's unlikely they'll be in a position to move out in their teens.

One thought is scheduling my gym/exercise around one of the nights each week he has his DC (so that then he also gets time with them) but if I stay out til they're in bed it means I won't get to see my own DC either, and whilst I can kill a couple of hours in the gym I wouldn't want to be there any longer than that. I'm a little wary of feeling excluded from my own home, but then am I being unfair because it won't just be my home?...

Certainly we're not rushing in to this. This time last year we thought we might be living together by now, but as the months passed we moved it back, because we're not ready yet. That said I don't want to keep putting it off, and our relationship stagnates and doesn't progress.

There's the financial side too. If my DS does go to uni, I'll struggle to support him and pay my mortgage. My bf wants to buy - as house prices have gone up, his savings aren't enough for the deposit and whilst renting he can't really save any more. So living together would financially benefit us both.

Be honest with him about it :) I am an introvert and my DH has no problem with me sometimes informing him that he needs to leave me alone. He understands introversion and so doesn't have a problem with it. He pootles off and plays computer games while I do whatever I fancy. I also have a bath each evening.

My dp and I moved in together in March this year after 3 years together. I have two DC who are here more than they aren't but spend an amount of time with their dad. His DS is 20 and has been here more than expected due to issues with his year in industry part of university course.

I was worried about how I would cope with having more people around than I'm used to as I need to have space of my own. Things that have helped include having two living rooms, a DP who is also introverted (although not as much as I am) and both of us being happy to spend some time on our own and know that everyone is happy. I think that talking about things is the most important thing. I'm very glad we did move in when we did and so far it is all going well 😊

I know a couple who don't live together. It seems to suit them really well, and I don't hear any plans for changing it. One of them has teenagers.

They don't live close to each other, and it would make financial sense for them to live together ... but they don't. And seem really content.

So if you're both happy with how things are, don't change it, until you'd be happier changing it.

....in other words, what Offred said.

I'm struggling with OD at the moment. I've put on my profile that I'm independent and like my own space and get a lot of abusive messages telling me I should stay single! So good to hear I'm normal after all.

It has made my night reading this
Had a proper grown up chat with my DP today, about us moving in together.
Am all excited.

Like many posters I like my 'me' time and don't want him to misconstrue this as selfish or unloving.
Fortunately he is thinks similarly so I hope it wills work out okay.

I have learned to go with my gut and biggest emotion as such, it overwhelmingly feels exciting and right when I think about us living together, of course that does not stop me worrying about the what ifs.

nepotism ignore the twats, and there will be bloody loads of them, I spent 6 months hitting the delete button before I met my DP, a genuine bloke will respect those qualities.

I have loved reading this too - can't help thinking I wish all the like-minded posters here were my friends!

Nepotism, don't give your OLD response a second thought. Most men I know think women that don't want to sit snuggling on the sofa all night long are bloody marvellous. It isn't just about being an introvert; drawing energy from solitude also implies a strong and independent spirit which can be very appealing.