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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Emotionally unavailable men

5 replies

Fckup · 01/01/2016 10:19

I have, thanks to the wisdom of MN, realised why all 3 of my relationships since I left my abusive exhb failed. It wasn't all my fault, it wasn't because I texted too much or not enough, or demanded too much or didn't give enough. It was because they weren't available. 1 has just been left by his girlfriend, the other was still grieving for his wife and the 3rd was married and wanted me to share him. I feel so sad to have wasted so much time and have no idea how to move forward, or if I even want to. My gut feeling is concentrate on my DC and my career but I miss having a partner, on all levels, even if they have been emotionally unavailable, I still miss the scraps they gave me.

OP posts:

FredaMayor · 01/01/2016 10:37

Well done on your self discovery, and I don't think your time was all wasted because its enabled you to get where you are now in terms of realisation.

Remember you are the prize not them.

Original poster

Fckup · 01/01/2016 10:56

How do I go forward and stop hurting so much?

OP posts:

FredaMayor · 01/01/2016 14:56

What is hurting you? Being alone, having 'failed' in past relationships, not being the person you want to be or not finding the ideal person? Pull apart your thinking and try to identify what it is that's keeping you down in the hurting zone.

IME it will help you to turn this round and take charge. Never ever settle for scraps, that is not a relationship it is a dependency.

Original poster

Fckup · 01/01/2016 15:21

What's hurting I think is the loneliness, I get too close to quickly. I miss having a partner to share things with, I'm a single mum of 5, exH has remarried and has a very sorted out life, time for everything he wants time for. I am working full time, juggling kids with not many friends. Having a partner is something that's for me to enjoy, not in a possessive or controlling way but he isn't to do with the children. It's 'my time' sort of thing.

OP posts:

RedMapleLeaf · 01/01/2016 19:05

I don't think that you should be looking for "your time" in a man. That's unhealthy. Your time should be found in time spent on yourself or with friends.

Also, I'd think about it less as "Finding A Partner" and more along the lines of meeting all sorts of different men and learning again what you like and look for in a man.

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