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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What will happen if I stay in this relationship?

23 replies

Orangesubmarine · 31/12/2015 20:59

I've been in an on/off relationship with the father of my two dcs for several years. We had split up for 18 months and I was very happy living alone with our dd but I fell pregnant due to sleeping with ex just once. After our second dc was born we tried again to rekindle our relationship, I really needed some help with dcs after my caesarean and ex was great.

Since then I've been living with him for three months. Now I feel invisible. I do grocery shopping, cook meals, look after the dcs. When I tell him I feel lonely and am considering moving out he gets upset and I feel guilty. But the truth is that he never makes time for family things, we never go anywhere, we don't do family trips etc. I took the dc to see Father Christmas, I did all their presents etc. I was much happier when I lived without him but when I say I want to leave he makes me feel guilty. He goes to work and pays the bills, but I can go to work and pay the bills.

There's no love in the relationship. What will happen if I don't leave? I'm so fed up.

OP posts:
summerwinterton · 31/12/2015 21:22

You will be unhappy and it will get worse. Why do you stay?

buckingfrolicks · 31/12/2015 22:20

You will go from 'fed up' to 'raging mad'; from 'upset' to 'distraught'; from 'lonely' to 'unbearably isolated'.

You know you can live without him.

figureofspeech · 31/12/2015 22:44

Does he avoid going out with you as a family or is it because he is busy at work?

With 're buying Xmas presents for your children did he discuss the purchases or just expected you to buy them.

Does he show an interest/ communicate with your family or does he distance himself?

Do you think he feels obliged to stay with you because of the kids?

12purpleapples · 31/12/2015 22:47

It doesn't seem like you have much reason to stay?

Original poster
Orangesubmarine · 01/01/2016 22:04

Thanks for your replies. In answer to your questions I think he likes having us live with him as he does love his children (though I don't think he likes looking after them very much) plus it's cheaper to have us here. He stopped paying maintenance when we moved in but I'm still paying full bills on my house. I'm fed up that I earn a lot less than him but I pay for almost all of the food shopping, children's clothes, toys etc. I feel that he must be very selfish not to pay for anything, he claims we're living with him rent free but how can I pay rent when I have my house to pay for. I looked into renting it out but can't do that unless I know I want to live with him permanently.

He doesn't do family things as he's always got a 'good' reason not to - mowing the lawn, fixing stuff in the garage, painting, sweeping the patio, the list is endless.

He's grumpy most of the time and I had an argument with him this evening as I wanted to discuss dd birthday but his response was to carry on watching TV and look the other way. I tried explaining that I find it really rude and I'm not willing to talk to someone who won't even look at me when I talk, he does this type of thing a lot Sad

We got engaged several years ago but he refused to book a wedding, I've always maintained my independence but now I have dc I feel very uneasy about being with a man who won't commit and I don't feel comfortable basically living as a lodger in his house. I can't see that he'll ever marry me and that bothers me.

But I have a massive guilt if I leave him, I feel that I'll be wrecking what could've been a family home 😟

OP posts:
Needtoprotect16 · 01/01/2016 22:16

You will go from 'fed up' to 'raging mad'; from 'upset' to 'distraught'; from 'lonely' to 'unbearably isolated'.
**
^^ this.

Seeyounearertime · 01/01/2016 22:31

Your DC will also see everything and grow up believing it is normal for daddy to be grumpy and mummy to be miserable etc.

Is that what you want for your children?

summerwinterton · 01/01/2016 22:33

it doesn't sound like a nice family home - sounds just hell. I would think you and the dc are much happier not living with him at all. You can't stay with him if the only reason is guilt.

mummytime · 01/01/2016 22:53

So if you had let out your house he would expect you to pay rent? On top of all living costs for his children? And subsidising him? Food I assume is shared? Or do you live like flat mates?

This is not a family. Get out.

CalleighDoodle · 01/01/2016 23:11

He is selfish. You have a house to go to. Go.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/01/2016 23:16

You would not be wrecking a family home. Nothing you have described sounds like a normal happy family home. Not. At. All. If you think it is then you are delusional!

Original poster
Orangesubmarine · 02/01/2016 10:39

Thanks. I'm a very fair kind of person and like to pay my way, but I don't see why I should be paying for all the family food, all the dc presents, their parties etc. he claims poverty but earns more than I do Hmm I will leave this relationship for good, he has no respect for me.

I do feel very guilty to uproot the dcs again, but better that they have a happy mum in a small house and a happy family environment than a miserable environment in a bigger house.

OP posts:
TheSquashyHatofMrGnosspelius · 02/01/2016 10:47

This situation suits him down the the ground in every way including financially. It suits you in NO way, especially financial. Go back to your own home and make it a proper home for you and the DCs. Make him pay what he should and have an ordered, calm predictable and therefore enjoyable life. He can come and collect the DCs and have contact but otherwise lead a separate life. It will be fine after a while but you have to start with that one step. Don't feel guilty, he doesn't in his ongoing abuse of you (emotional and financial). Make the first step, the sooner you do, the sooner you get away from the crazy.

RiceCrispieTreats · 02/01/2016 13:57

Go back to your own home. Live your own life. Be happy.

Also, make sure he starts paying maintenance again, and don't get sucked back in. You're too nice, and he's used to taking advantage. Protect yours and the DC's best interests.

Original poster
Orangesubmarine · 02/01/2016 22:04

Thanks. Quick update, I'm feeling a bit alarmed. I sat down and discussed the situation with him this evening. I told him that I couldn't continue in a 'relationship ' that didn't work for me, the lack of marriage, the fact I pay for all the groceries etc.

He put the real guilt trip on me, said he loves me, doesn't want us to move out etc. he also said though that he finds I put too much pressure on him to get things done, ie when I went away for two days with the dc to stay with grandparents and he barely lifted a finger I shouldn't have expected him to clean the house. And apparently it's my fault he has a long term pain in his arm as he hit it when he was hurrying to get to work as I'd asked him not to get up too early as it was waking the baby Hmm im so fed up.

OP posts:
hefzi · 02/01/2016 22:20

Orange - you've talked to him about it: now listen to what he says. Everything is your fault - do you really want to keep living like this?

You really deserve to be happy: I've never said this before, explicitly - but please, LTB!

RiceCrispieTreats · 02/01/2016 22:26

Why are you alarmed? He's behaving true to form. The question is only whether you want to stick around for more, or not.

summerwinterton · 02/01/2016 23:07

You know what you need to do - question is are you going to do it?

TheSquashyHatofMrGnosspelius · 03/01/2016 11:02

So you are even responsible for the pain in his arm that he caused himself? Fuck that shit! LTB before 2016 gets any older.

category12 · 03/01/2016 11:16

You realise that you could spend years and years like this, and have nothing to fall back on, while he has a house and is feathering his nest. And you will have no claim on any of it, because you're not married. So he can just boot you out anytime.

He has everything his own way and no wonder he doesn't want anything to change, just for you to work harder at pleasing him. The longer it goes on, the more disservice you do yourself.

You would be better off living elsewhere with the dc. Plus you wouldn't have someone dragging you down all the time.

category12 · 03/01/2016 11:18

Oh sorry, missed you have your own house. Thank goodness Smile. Fgs go back to it.

figureofspeech · 04/01/2016 06:25

If I were you I would see a solicitor and make sure that my will clearly states that my kids are my sole heirs, that they and not him are to inherit my house and everything should anything happen to me. I also would not want my partner if he is anything like yours to inherit a penny from me. Also, think about appointing a guardian or at least an additional guardian to bring up your kids alongside their father. You need someone who has their best interests at heart and wouldn't grudge spending money on them like he clearly does.

Don't discus this with him as you are thankfully not married, it's got nothing to do with him. Make solid arrangements for your children and leave him because you and your children deserve better.

NightWanderer · 04/01/2016 08:20

Just go. You have a place to live. Just pack a bag and go. You don't need his permission. You just have to leave. It's as simple as that. Go upstairs, pack your stuff up, pack your kids stuff up and leave. Done, you can be happy again.

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