Mum think she's being victimised

[Thaigal]

I come from a large family (2 uncles, 3 aunties, 13 cousins etc etc). One of my uncles has a brain tumour and is currently ill in hospital. All of the family have been taking it in turns to go and see him, this usually means that either 2 of my aunts will go together or my grandma and an aunt will go together etc...

Anyway my mum is feeling left out as everytime the family want her to go they ask her to go on her own as everyone else is busy...the way my mum see's it is that the rest of them go in groups but when she goes she has to go on her own.

To get to the hospital my grandma and aunts have to pass my mums house on the bus, my mums argument is "why can't they stop off here so we can all go together?", their argument is "it's too much of a faff getting on and off buses and grandma get's tired". My argument is "why not just meet them there?".

Today it was arranged that my mum would go, I was supposed to be going too but son is ill and so my mum ended up going on her own again, the family made out that nobody else could go today.

Anyway whilst at the hospital my aunt and grandma turn up! so my mum has been sat there for 2 hours on her own when to be fair they could've let her know they were going afterall so they could either a) tell my mum she didnt need to go or b) tell my mum they would meet her there. Normally I think my mum is paranoid and looking for a row but I did think she had a point with this one...

Then to add insult to injury, after my mums hubby had picked her up and taken her home my grandma and aunt try phoning her to get her hubby to go back to the hospital to pick them up too!!

So should I sympahise with my mum for once (rather than wish she'd stop moaning!) or do the rest of the family have reason to act the way they have?

Just looking for general opinions as I'm always stuck in the middle!

Poor you. I hate these family things. I honestly can't judge whether your mum is being victimised or whether the rest of the family really are busy when they say.

If it upsets your mum then she really needs to address everyone about it. Easier said than done, I know, but if it's upsetting her then she should tell them.

Best wishes for your uncle.

If I were your mum, I wouldn't bother having any expectations from the rest of the family in this respect to visiting your uncle.

I would just get on with visiting the uncle as and when I wanted to and not concern myself with what the rest of them were doing.

Er hello? Your uncle is ill with a brain tumour and your mum is worried about herself?

Tell her to grow up and get on with thinking about the person who needs her most.

I am going to sound really harsh here but if this is the carry on while your uncle is ill in hospital, what will your family be like if any thing happens to him?
I think that you had better batten down the hatches or move to Australia because it sounds like you are going to have an awful awful dreadful time with them all in the future.

I want to add sympathies for you becauase i have been there and done that and its not pleasant.

Perhaps the family gently need reminding of their sense of priority?
Your uncle needs lots of care and support. Any bickering and moaning that goes on in the background is a waste of energy, and arguments are surely petty and childish at a time like this?
I too am in a family where I end up stuck in the middle, and it is a thankless task - I would leave them to it, frankly, as no matter what you do or say, someone will be unhappy with you.
Best wishes to your uncle.

Thanks for the replies, I do get annoyed with the pettyness of it and I think my mum goes on a bit.

My uncle is actually dying, there is no hope for him, they're just giving him chemo to give him that little bit longer to live (months, not years).

The family want him home for christmas and my mum is on the phone to me saying "oh they won't be able to manage him and I know what will happen, they'll all start bossing me about and saying that I never help etc etc...." One thing that did annoy me was that she said "when he does die I'll get the blame for it like I got the blame for your dad dying" , she never got the blame for my dad dying, my dads mother had a go at my mum whilst he was dying saying she made him unhappy etc...awful I know but she keeps going ona bout this as if we all blamed her, it was 15 years ago! and why on earth would anyone blame her for my uncle??

Then she said "oh this is all like was with your dad, exept this time it's worse" (thanks!).

And recently she's been on the phone to me saying "I know whats going to happen, they're going to ask me to go to hospital to see him on christmas day and when I don't they're all going to get at me saying I don't care...." (nobody has even mentioned christmas day!).

I do admit, she is making this all about her when it should be about my uncle but I still feel stuck in the middle.