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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this normal?

22 replies

TheWildThings4 · 30/12/2015 19:49

My head feels so clouded nowadays, I don't know whether my marriage is normal or dysfunctional.

My husband and I have been married 7 years and have 2 children. The first 3 years were pretty blissful, I was very happy. Then something changed and I'm not even sure what. The last 6 months or so have been hell.

Just to give you a couple of experiences:

1- when our eldest was just 4 mo old, we were arguing. He took the baby out of bed and told us to leave. I didn't.

2- one evening he had been drinking quit a bit and I made a comment about a family member (not trying to upset him) that obviously touched a nerve and he went mad. Yelling at me, got in my face so I was pinned against the door. He packed a bag and a friend picked him up. He stayed out overnight.

3- a number of times he has gone out to a party/ to the pub and hasn't come home at all, or has come home completely wasted - even though "he was going for one drink."

4- I don't feel sexually attracted to him anymore. I don't know if it's a mixture of his behaviour, pregnancies and nursing. But he gets so upset with me when I don't want to have sex with him and holds it against me for weeks at a time. he watches porn - which I hate - and I feel like he treats me like an object, not a loving wife. He makes a lot of sexual comments which makes me cringe.

5- just recently we couldn't decide on something and he snapped and started yelling at me in front of our kids. So I went for a drive. I came back, he took the youngest and said "cry yourself to sleep. You have mental issues, you need to see someone." I don't and he said it in such an evil way.

6- I cook, clean, take care of our children - you know, all the wife and mother duties - but he always complain about something. I feel like it's never enough or good enough, and that he would be much happier if I done all those things plus work full time just for the extra cash.

7- he calls me names, like "a-hole" and "being a bitch."

8- we don't have much in common.

I know I'm not perfect but I'm miserable now. I think about divorce weekly! If you ask my family and friends they say I'm friendly, kind, have a heart of gold, etc. I can't even remember when he last complimented or lifted me up, besides saying "you have a nice ass, I want to do you."

Help! I have some big decisions to make, and I want my children to grow up in a happy, healthy home.

OP posts:

fusspot66 · 30/12/2015 19:53

Ltb.
He treats you like dirt.

fusspot66 · 30/12/2015 19:54

The shouting in your face is DV. The telling you and the kids that you/mummy is mental is emotional abuse.

leaningtoweroflego · 30/12/2015 19:55

You know what the answer is, you just need to take that leap and do it. We will hold your hand

You deserve better than this and so do your DC.

First steps are to speak to a divorce lawyer who offers a free first hour consultation, to see where you stand, financially and wrt to the house and DC.

Take copies of financial documents so he can't hide his money or assets in a divorce.

You can do this, you really can.

lampshady · 30/12/2015 19:56

I'm sorry op. Sounds awful. Do you have a good support network?

Hassled · 30/12/2015 19:57

No, it's not normal and yes, it's completely dysfunctional. This isn't a happy, loving relationship and it's not you, it's him.

Original poster

TheWildThings4 · 30/12/2015 19:59

I do have a great support network, but I've only told a couple people what's going on.

One friend said to leave.

One friend said to forgive, make him number 1 again and he will respond to love, and not give up.

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 30/12/2015 19:59

If you stay then your children will definitely not grow up in a happy healthy home.

Do you know how to get rid?

MoominPie22 · 30/12/2015 19:59

He sounds like a disrespectful arsehole who doesn't even treat you, or view you, as his equal. He sounds like a disgusting creep. Just for starters he shouldn't be calling you names, but you've listed many ways in which he has mistreat you, and using the kids to get to you is just bang out of order!

I can't see much in the way of a happy future for your marriage going by wot you've described. And it's blatently him that has mental issues! That's called transference. He's at fault but he's putting it onto you. I would wanna get out. I'd be happier alone than shacked up with this eejit.

FrancisdeSales · 30/12/2015 20:12

This is horrible. We have 3 kids and when they were very small we were definitely having a lot less sex and both of us could get really exhausted and grumpy. But DH has never yelled at me, called me offensive names or disrespected me. Neither has he disappeared to all night parties at the pub alone. It doesn't sound like your spouse is interested in a reciprocal relationship - you are just expected to provide everything he wants. He is treating you with contempt which is one of Four Horsemen of the death knell to marriage. They are criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling. They are divorce predictors, Google Dr. John Gottman who has done decades of research into marriage.

Original poster

TheWildThings4 · 30/12/2015 20:37

See, when I say he is being disrespectful he says he is doing it because I show him no respect.

In my heart of hearts, I know this is a toxic relationship and on our bad days, I just want to be divorced. But then we have a good day or two and I think things can work out. It's like a vicious cycle, round and round.

I honestly feel like I'm not strong enough to just walk away. But I don't know what's keeping me here? Maybe because he can be sweet when he wants to. Maybe because I'm scared about how I will support myself and my kids. Will my kids grow up resenting that I left their father? I feel guilty. But I know it's not my fault.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheWildThings4 · 30/12/2015 20:40

And thank you all for the advice. I am taking it all on board.

OP posts:

FrancisdeSales · 30/12/2015 20:43

Maybe it's because you loved your husband and you made a serious commitment and just didn't expect this to happen. It is understandable that it feels confusing and overwhelming but unless he makes serious efforts to repair the pain he has caused I think you need to think seriously about what you want the future to look like.

This man does not cherish you.

FrancisdeSales · 30/12/2015 20:44

He also sounds emotionally immature.

Original poster

TheWildThings4 · 30/12/2015 20:45

I think you're right...this is not how I imagined my life to turn out. I thought we were the best of friends, deeply in love, and would have a happy family. But I have the opposite and I feel like a failure.

I do not feel cherished and a lot of the time I do not feel loved.

OP posts:

temporarilyjerry · 30/12/2015 20:46

Will my kids grow up resenting that I left their father?

Or will they grow up in fear, seeing and hearing their father abusing their mother and thinking this is what a relationship looks like?

Sunnyshores · 30/12/2015 20:47

your friends advice was for you to make your DH no1 in your life - and then he'd respond with love? ......Im afraid your DH is never going to be no1 in your life again - you have children now. If he doesnt get this, and many immature, selfish men seem not to, then you have to leave.

Original poster

TheWildThings4 · 30/12/2015 20:47

We have different goals in life and our priorities are different. Plus not having anything in common.

He has a tough job and has seen some horrible Things, but I do not think that should be an excuse for his behaviour, right?

OP posts:

Original poster

TheWildThings4 · 30/12/2015 20:50

I'm afraid of that. I've told him we teach the kids by example, which he scoffed at. He thinks they need to be physically disclipined so they have that fear. No way!

OP posts:

TheSquashyHatofMrGnosspelius · 30/12/2015 20:55

Every part of your OP shouts red flags OP. Seriously you know you need to leave this twat, if not for yourself, for your children. Get some legal advice and you will feel stronger. Make a plan and get going. This is never ever going to turn into the life you want - e v e r. Please see this situation as it it really is and leave.

hefzi · 30/12/2015 21:08

Sorry, but no wonder you don't feel like having sex with this disrespectful, abusive twat! And as for your friend who told you to make him no 1? Tell her the 50s called and want their marriage guidance back

Children don't resent their parents for getting divorced - except in those emotionally incestuous cases where one actively turns the children against the other, and you're not going to do that. And of course you're nervous - you're talking about turning your lives upside down, and starting again. But you can do that - and you and your children deserve far more than the life you have at the moment.

FrancisdeSales · 30/12/2015 21:14

My DH also has a tough job. He had to be treated with anti-HIV drugs after he was saving someone's life and a needle in their pocket punctured his skin. He was sent straight to the infectious diseases dept and put on the anti-virus medication. Thank God his blood tests came back negative.

From that situation he really emphasizes safety first, even if someone is dying in front of you - you first make sure you are following all safety procedures first to protect yourself.

This relates to you situation OP - don't give away yourself, your self respect, your wants and needs because of a confused sense of guilt and responsibility for your husbands moods and feelings.

My DH has seen everything - gun shot wounds to the head, and had to tell people their loved one won't survive but our marriage and home is his sanctuary not the place he brings his stress and beats us up emotionally.

emmamoo11 · 30/12/2015 21:31

My husband left me 7 years ago.....after telling me I was bi polar etc. He had been having an affair.
Just a thought

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