Widdowed Mother in Law... Help

[Newmum3200]

Hi

I'm new to this so apologies if i'm off-etiquette in any way or if a similar thread already exists. I was really just hoping for views on what is acceptible in this situ... Would really appreciate any views or advice!!

To cut a long story... We got married a few years ago, unfortunately FIL passed away a couple of years ago leaving MIL widowed and living abroad (but close by - France) so a couple of hours flight away. She has a lot of friends surrounding her and a good life there from what i can gather BUT... She has decided to move back to the UK. Its taking a while to sell her apartment and she refuses to drop the price although she can afford it, in the meantime she has taken to booking one way flights to visit us. The longest visit to date being 10 weeks... And total visiting time for last year... 17 weeks. She uses excuses about staying for so long like cost of flights but tbh i think she just likes staying with us and being waited on hand and foot. She doesnt do anything around the house and refuses to drive (does so at home but doesnt seem to see the point when visiting us) so we are cheauffer and servant the entire time. We now have a six month old baby and this gives even more of an excuse. I'm worried that the whole situ is a play to live with us eventually as she doesnt seem to have any real plan for what she's going to do in the long run. She is relatively young and in good health so i find the lack of direction really odd for someone who is so together.

Poor Dh just seems completely at a loss... Clearly its a sensitive subject to address, but i know he wants the same as me and her imposing drives him mad too. He aboids her around the house and leaves me to talk to her all the time - and she is pretty exhausting to say the least!!! She is quite old fashioned and think she just expects this as our obligation... But i really dont see it that way. I think a week or 2 at a time is absolutely more than enough - equating to approx a month per year - thats a lot of time to have someone live in your house right?

The last thing i want to do is be mean or upset her, i just want my home and life back...

Has anyone had a similar experience?? Should i say something or is it purely down to him?

Apologies for the essay

Redmapleleaf, i said we are chauffer and servant - dh takes her to visit family which i mentioned previously. I am already feeding the family - i can hardly cook for everyone else and not her.

Clearly i do want the situ to change and it is doing as its progressed since my first post.

Thanks for commenting i do appreciate it, but i feel youre being a little pedantic on what is quite a complicated subject with lots of detail - which there wouldn't be enough hours in the day to log all of it (nor would i want to bore you with it all!)

I'm sorry if I'm being a pain, but it just sounds as though you're having a moan, but not actually taking any of the obvious steps. (Which is fine of course, we all need to have a moan).

If someone is stopping for longer than a week, and you are resentful that you're doing all of the meals, I think it's obvious that you'd ask them to help and/or suggest that they treat to you to their famous X or whatnot.

Redmapleleaf - From original post "I was really just hoping for views on what is acceptible in this situ..."

I was looking to understand what others thought was normal, in particular on length of visits etc. and i have had lots of really helpful responses - which i have said thank you for. Sometimes its not always so clear cut and black and white.

A week max for me. regardless of how long people have travelled. I need my space and anyone who knows me understands this.

Next time I would have DH enforce a return journey, and offer to pay the difference is she sites cost reasons when booking. If she's flying from France it's going to be budget airlines... Cheap enough. If that doesn't work sounds like she needs a flat out "no, one week is enough".

FWIW my situation is almost the same with MIL. Not the slave/chaperone bit but I do have a bit more cleaning up to do as her and DP are not the tidiest (she went out the other day and left the tree lights on, the lights on and the tv on).

I've been very upfront about how long I find appropriate for guests to stay... He'd let people move in if left too it... And we make it work. When MIL is coming, we look at dates and tell her. She then has Carte Blanche to book between those dates.

Your DH sounds like he's on board. Guess he needs to make more of a stand or she'll continue to do this.