Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Was this weird?

19 replies

Pieandplease · 30/12/2015 00:45

Nc for this thread but basics been married 14 years, 4 dc youngest is 5.
DH is pretty perfect in most respects, great Dad, kind, treats me well but our sex life is a big issue. He has a much higher sex drive than me. I have issues from my younger years which I won't go into but I struggle to equate sex with love and find it difficult sometimes.
He's mostly patient but there have been a few times when he's kind of known I didn't want to but he's done it anyway. I never said NO or anything but it was quite obvious I wasn't comfortable.
Anyway yesterday I was having a nice lie in while he was downstairs with the kids. He came upstairs and lay beside me and started cuddling up. Said he was horny and didn't like doing it on his own. I said (sleepily) kids are downstairs. He said they're fine watching to. Started masturbating while feeling me up (I was facing away from him). Came pretty quickly then got up and left.
He can't understand why I've been funny with him today and I'm not sure if given my issues I'm being irrational to think it was out of order.
Things like this just make me less likely to want to connect with him sexually as I see him as a bit if a pest half the time which I know upsets him because he loves me and says I'm his soul mate etc...
He has always loved me more than I loved him, harsh but true. I love him but don't know if I'm in love with him anymore?
I'm rambling and talking about 10 different issues sorry.
Just felt like writing down how I'm feeling.

OP posts:

AtSea1979 · 30/12/2015 00:48

He's your husband, I don't see the problem either.

pickledparsnip · 30/12/2015 00:51

AtSea seriously? So just because he's her husband he has free reign to access her body whenever he likes? Fucking hell, is it the 50s?

pickledparsnip · 30/12/2015 00:52

OP you are in charge of your body. You husband is clearly not respectful of you and your body if he thinks he can do what he likes whenever he likes. You need to talk to him. Seriously.

BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep · 30/12/2015 00:55

if you did not want to be felt up then he is very very unreasonable.

quite alot of people freeze instead of saying no when they have had issues in the past, even when they are not comfortable with it.

you need to discuss this when he is not horny. he may need a clear positive go ahead from you before he carries on if you have issues with saying no when you don't want to have sexual contact.

Cabrinha · 30/12/2015 00:59

That sounds horrible for you.
He shouldn't ever touch you if you don't want him to, and certainly not have sex with you.

You need to be clear with him that you don't want him to.
But I think you should also seek counselling (have you already?) about the issues from your younger years.
It doesn't sound like this is 'simply' about differing sex drives.

It's worth having the counselling whether you stay or go. It could be the issue now is that you don't love him. But if you also have issues from before, you'll take them into your future relationships too.

But whether your lack of interest in him now is because you have a lower sex drive, don't love him, or have your own issues - it is NEVER acceptable for him to touch you when you don't want it.

Original poster

Pieandplease · 30/12/2015 01:00

i feel like he deserves a proper wife who won't make him feel crap when he wants a quickie. Thing is I have instigated it a couple of times over Christmas as we've been off work and relaxed. So it's not like he's been sex starved.
We don't talk about things much. I told him before Christmas that I felt we needed to work on things but he just acts like everything is fine. He is seriously the perfect husband in so many respects. I have lots of issues but he doesn't understand. Earlier in the year I had a miscarriage and he left me to deal with it on my own while he went away with work. I sat waiting for a scan in my own and went through it all on my own.
He apologised afterwards but I don't think I've forgiven him. I'm the opposite of needy. I'm probably reluctant to ask him for help but the one time I needed him he let me down.
Sorry this is turning into something else.

OP posts:

BackInTheRealWorld · 30/12/2015 01:00

Did you tell him to stop?

Original poster

Pieandplease · 30/12/2015 01:01

Thanks. I've never had counselling. I wouldn't know where to start!

OP posts:

BackInTheRealWorld · 30/12/2015 01:01

Sorry X posted, this is more than your op isn't it.

Original poster

Pieandplease · 30/12/2015 01:03

No I didn't. But he knows me. He knows if I want to do anything I'll turn around and cuddle him. He also knows I hate being treated like an object which is how he made me feel.

OP posts:

loveyoutothemoon · 30/12/2015 07:20

The issue here is that he said they are fine watching. FFS what's that about?

ravenmum · 30/12/2015 07:36

I thought they were fine watching TV ... thread title would be different otherwise??

I know what you mean about being used as a sex doll OP, not nice, whether you have zero issues or a hundred.

WitchWay · 30/12/2015 07:42

I thought tv too - typo I assumed - anything else would be beyond awful

SfaOkaySuperFurryAnimals · 30/12/2015 08:10

At sea bad call IMO
Her husband of all people would do well to show her some respect, there's a difference between actively engaging in foreplay and being used as material, whether someone loves you or not.
I would have reacted the same as you OP. He is in the wrong here.

Marilynsbigsister · 30/12/2015 08:47

If you don't want to dtd OP, then you will have to tell him rather than assume he can read your mind. Sex is so important in a marriage, the biggest problem by far (and the greatest reason for marital breakdown by a long chalk - even above money) is mis-matched sex drives. The desire for sex is often nothing to do with physical need but much more to do with physical manifestation of an emotional connection. It sounds pretty much, that your dh knows 'he loves you more than you love him' and is using sex as a means of reassurance that you still want him. It boils down to you making the decision. Do you want to be with him ? Can you love him whole heartedly as all people are entitled to expect from a marriage, rather than the kind of 'his ok' kinda way that you portray in you OP. ?
Re
It's not a criticism, you can't help how you feel or make yourself fall head over heels for someone you don't feel that for - but it may be that you both need to separate and find other partners who really flip each other's switches.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/12/2015 10:12

If you've never had any help or counselling from your earlier issues then I suggest you contact rape crisis. It's a good place to start and they can help you or let you know who is around in your area who can.
(I am making assumptions here though)
If you don't want to have sex with him at any time then please just don't.
He should NOT be doing it knowing you are uncomfortable.
I'm not going to use the 'R' word but seriously, this is NOT OK!

Original poster

Pieandplease · 30/12/2015 11:40

Thanks for your replies. To clarify, the kids were watching TV!!
marilyns you've hit the nail on the head. He says he wants to feel close to me but I think sometimes he gets it wrong.
He just doesn't understand me at all and I feel after all this time he never will.
I want more than anything to love him like he loves me but i find I'm loving him less not more as time passes. We never argue or fight - my children think they have the perfect family. I'm not sure I can hear to destroy that.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 30/12/2015 11:50

Would he agree to counselling with you?
I think you need to communicate with him what you are feeling and with a 3rd party involved it can help a lot.
It's hard to get the love back once it's gone though.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/12/2015 11:59

All this he being a great dad stuff (and actually I do not think that he is a great dad at all) is not true at all if he is treating you like this. Women often write the "great dad" comment or something similar when they themselves can write nothing positive about their man. How do you feel about him now?.

I note you have never sought out any therapy for your past issues. I would seriously now consider seeking some help for your own self because that as well is impacting on you now. I would consider contacting someone like BACP or NAPAC.

He is pestering you for sex. Repeated behaviours like that from him as well will have a deleterious affect on anyone's sex life frankly, where is his overall respect for you here.

I would also think your children have picked up on some underlying relationship problems between you and him. They may well see you are unhappy or trying to put a brave face on. They are perceptive and they pick up on all the vibes even though they do not understand fully what is going on. You would not be destroying anything if you and he were to eventually part ways.

Flip