What should DP say to his DSIS after this text?

[0phelia]

OK wise mumsnetters. What should DP say to his Dsister in the new year re NC situation with DBIL.

So DP's sister was unfortunate enough to marry a prize cunt. Said cunt over the course of many years has committed serious crimes against humanity, to which DP responds in the expected way. A few years ago it culminated into huge shout down and stand-off, they have been NC ever since. Consequently communication with his Dsis has been reduced. Occasional texts/ cards.

So the Dsis sends a text today reading
"Can you put your differences with DBIL aside because I am increasingly depressed about the situation and can't see a way forward please call in the new year so we can talk"

This has come as a shock because DP simply hates the bastard for very good and simple reasons that the sis is fully aware of this and knows why. Now she is putting the onus on DP? Why?

DBIL has behaved appallingly. He is controlling, has prevented DP's sister from living independently.
He opted out of raising their own child now 9yo (preferring to live away 5 days a week for work) once spent all their shared savings on a car for himself, blatantly had an affair for 7 years, drops the sister off so she can have coffee with her mum but waits outside and allocates her an hour max, drives her wherever she wants but waits for her and complains if she takes too long, he talked and joked all through the funeral of DP and Sis Father, and has endlessly upset their mother for numerous behaviours.... OK this is just the tip of the iceberg believe me.

DP is flabbergasted. "Please put aside your differences" WTAF.

I have said to him that he needs to have it out with her once and for all. Dp should recount all of the crimes against humanity that DBIL has committed, explain how each is unforgivable, this is not how you treat someone you love, and maybe finally knock some sense into her?

While his behaviour is not her fault, she needs to be held accountable for not preventing him from upsetting the entire family.

Being asked to put differences aside is not the same as being asked to accept all responsibility for situation.

Being asked to put them aside suggests a need to concentrate on another aspect of the situation, presumably the relationship of your partner and his sister, rather than his no doubt justified feelings towards her partner.

I can't see why he wouldn't be able to do this to a sufficient degree to allow him to meet with her on their own to show her some initial love and support, regardless of his feelings towards her current partner.

BIL is controlling but then so is your DH by not allowing her to make her own mistakes and going NC because she's with him. Whatever his problem with BIL he should maintain a relationship with his DSIS.

If she's in an abussive relationship your DH should be making sure he's there for her and if that means not kicking off with her DH to ensure that, so be it.

Whatever his problem with BIL he should maintain a relationship with his DSIS

If someone laughed and joked through my father's funeral I wouldn't be giving them the time of day either. You can't put the responsibility of Bil's shit behaviour on the OP's partner, with an expectation that he has to tolerate it. His relationship with his sister is a separate issue, which they are both responsible for.

I think I would reply something along the lines of 'I love you and am here when you want me however I will never have anything to do with your H'.

Hi thank you for very insightful replies I am taking note because my response is clouded by anger towards the both of them.

The sister's wish is to maintain a relationship with this cunt, but have everyone else "be nice to him please" so they can all pretend happy families. I hear this wish and feel deep resonating sympathy because obviously, if everyone pretend-adored her DH, her own life would be so much better. So much more normal.

She has no plan to leave him, she had numerous chances when he was having the affair.

I do see it is a cry for help of some degree, and DP should respond supportively.

In his own mind he finds it hard not to blame her for the family rift because she chose to Marry him.
I think I will suggest he absolve her a bit, then he might find it easier to listen and help her.

But how do you say to someone "No I'm not going to pretend no matter how much you want me to" Without upsetting them?

I don't think the goal should be avoiding upsetting her, just not leaving her feeling she is even more isolated. So, words to the effect of: I won't play nice with that man, I will always support you in getting away from him. Until you're ready for that, it's best we keep our distance.

Could it be BIL that has sent the text or is it definitely from her? Or would he be watching over when she sent it iyswim?

I appreciate that your patience has probably worn thin but she might not have the ability to express what she is really after from your dh.

I think he needs to respond with something along the lines of 'You and dn are my family and I will always love you. Unless BIL has had an honest change of heart I cannot and will not excuse his behaviour. If you ever need me, I will help you.'

Can't he support her and at the same time not see her partner ? Emails , phone calls , meeting without him there ? She needs support - and he. And he can still provide it and make his feelings clear ??

I would suggest that he lets her know that he will be there for her if she needs support to leave. however, he can not condone bils behaviour and will not be having any contact with him, nor can he forget about the serious stuff he has done.

sound slike your dp needs to keep in contact with his sister though as she will need to leave at some point.