He's left, I'm I'm shock

[Mamapotter2008]

I met my husband when I was 21. We married when I was 26. At 27 we had a wonderful surprise, our daughter. When she turned one, he was diagnosed with MS and I was his carer for a year. Up until then I had experienced mild depression. When he was ill, I became very depressed. I never really recovered, despite doing everything the doctors told me and going to tons of therapy.

On several occasions I asked him to come to couples counselling with me - its always a good idea to do that when one of you has a lot of therapy. Plus there were several things I wasn't happy with - there had been long periods of him witholding intimacy from me and I was turning myself inside out to become more fun, thinner, better looking. He wanted to move to be near his parents - this was not good for me at all because the job I do is usually on offer in cities and they are in the country. I agreed because I wanted him to be happy.

Last month we were planning our 10th wedding anniversary. The day after we book the venue, he dumps me in a five minute conversation. He told me that I'd chipped away at his love for me. I was devastated. He was working 200 miles away, and I had gone there to see him.

He told me to go home and said I mustn't tell our daughter, I should wait for him to come next week. I managed 24 hours and then I needed to tell her what's wrong.

Once the initial shock wore off, I asked him why he didn't come to counselling with me if there was a problem. He said he didn't know. I asked him to try it now. He refused. I then asked him why he felt the need to do this to our daughter 3 weeks before Christmas. He told me that was none of my business. Then I asked him if there was someone else. He said he had "strong feelings" for someone, but it's not his fault, I'm impossible to be with. He only had to come home at weekends!!

I've been through hell, blaming myself for all of it. I know that living with a depressed person can be hard. I tried so hard to make it easier for him. It always felt like he wouldn't meet me in the middle.

He's been making life hard financially, and the advice I've received is that I need to file the divorce that I don't want so that I can use the legal system to get him to do the right thing. My daughter is really upset with him - apparently he told her "tough, get over it" when she said she was upset. She's 7!!!!

I still blame myself. How did this lovely, kind, patient man turn into such an arrogant arsehole? What did I do that was so terrible this wonderful Dad needed to turn his life upside down and trash his relationship with his daughter, to get away from me?

Now, with all the meds I'm on, I'm not allowed any 🍷🍸🍹🍺🍾 whatsoever.

Will put a little bit to one side each week, and when I'm off them will buy a large bottle of 🍾 to have all to myself. Maybe I'll use it to toast my absolute.

Thank you MrsDevere. And hats off to you, I know being an MS wife can be very tough.

You are absolutely right that there is no way it can make someone behave like a total knob. A little grumpy maybe, that's completely understandable and I saw it as his inalienable right to be so when unwell.

I am harbouring a secret fear that he'll come back if it bites him - if he knows me at all he'll know I'd have to really wrestle with my conscience and my faith to say no. I hope he finds someone as incredible as you and I before it does

I really feel for you mamapotter, although the details are different, I am going through a marriage break up too.

I was really struck by the points made by goodriddance. They REALLY resonate with me and probably you too mamapotter, it's almost like they all read instructions from a manual!

I know I totally absorbed all the criticisms & resentments my H threw my way for quite a while (& I do definitely acknowledge my part in what went wrong with the marriage) BUT because I suspect that there is a OW, I can now see that 'self justification' was possibly going on.

Don't mean to hijack your thread mamapotter, sadly yet another example of an age old pattern from some men. I truly wish you all the best of luck and strength for the coming months, I know how painful and torturous it is.

Do you know what, so so low, i believe that a perfect marriage and perfect behaviour in marriage do not exist. Society would not have created marriage and it wouldn't be such an important institution for the stability of a family if relationships were perfect and easy. So yes, whilst we can most likely both point to our own contributions to the breakdown of the relationship, if we were prepared to accept we had done wrong and take steps to put it right, then we didn't break our marriages. Unfortunately it takes two to make those restorative steps.

You're right, MrsDevere. My vicar even told me that if he comes back under those circumstances (and I truly believe those are the only circumstances he would come back under), if I felt he'd do this again to my daughter once better, then it's my duty to her to not let him come back.

So how would I know?

1. I need to stop asking him to come back (its been two weeks since I last asked) - he needs to earn me back

1. I try my hardest to ignore him so that he has to make it really obvious that he wants me back - no small gestures which are more about getting his leg over one more time because it's convenient.

1. He shows a high level of self awareness which demonstrates he has faced his own demons.

1. The only thing he puts on the table is starting therapy together to explore whether we can build a new relationship, rather than just go back to the old one.

Will he ever do those things? Very very unlikely. Do I have dreams where he does? Of course I do. It will take time before I stop loving him and before I'm ready to let go of the investment I put into us being together.

It's your duty not to let him come back regardless of whether he would do it again.

You were his wife, and as such had a duty to care for him and love him when he was sick.

He has been treating you like shit for years by he sound of it and now he has chosen to leave your marriage.

You are now released from the burden of staying with a selfish and cruel man who masturbated to porn and blamed your lack of sex life on his illness and as a way of avoiding discussing a second child (both of which are shockingly shit manipulative nastiness).

You are young. Your mental health can only improve when not being used as the carer and emotional punch bag of this man.

You get one life. Don't waste yours being used as a nursemaid by a man who doesn't love you.

He has freed you. You should be thanking him.

OMG funkster you are so right. I spent the first week of this hell doing battle with mental health professionals who want to send me to abused women's support groups. I have even been told it's not love, it's a trauma bond. I'm cooperating with them, but over the Christmas period I've been left to my own devices and appear to have gone back to "I love him, what did I do wrong?" thinking again.

You are right about it taking 2 to mend the marriage. When I start to get really self punishing about my failures within the relationship, I have to force myself to remember that fact.

Plus I'm also beginning to realise that (particularly if there IS someone else)
it's possible that nothing we actually said or did would have made any difference, they've already checked out.

But I can definitely relate to slipping back into 'if only I'd done this more, said that less' type thinking and it's so draining.

Someone who does that does not deserve your love. End of.

He's got a nerve hasn't he? He said all those things and now wants a new relationship with you that pretends none of this ever happened and you're not allowed to talk about it. How will that ever work? I think a therapist might struggle with that, too. I don't know.

And your dd- sounds like you're doing great for her to help her get over her df leaving - easier for her in some ways because he wasn't living with you really. And should be for you, too, in some ways, hopefully you already started to carve out a life for yourself with him away all week.

I expect he's been to a solicitors and found out the cost to him if he leaves. If you let him home you might not get him out. Go to a solicitor, and ignore him now. And document everything re your dd and his treatment of her, when he calls her, all that stuff. You'll need it, he wants you to dance the pick me dance which it sounds like you've been doing for years anyway.

Sit this one out. you don't have to play anymore. And withholding sex etc - he's horrible. I think you should work your own self esteem to, because one thing that always haunts me is I can't believe I was married to such a dreadful man whom once was so charming. How stupid of me. I shall never forgive myself.

Do what your solicitor says. Do not engage with him and I would also suggest as he seems a manipuituve asshole, and you might end up in court, remember anything you email can be used so be careful.

I remember how it feels to want things to somehow be right again.
But they never will.
Forget your conditions for his return and be sure in your mind that you will never, ever accept him back, because he has been horrible to you and your dd.

Hi Lavender Honey - no, he's not come back - I was telling myself that these are the only circumstances I would accept. Have more chance of my cats cooking my dinner.

And already have a life on my own during the week. Ha ha ha, no, it was all about when I could call him, playing xbox live games with him, getting everything ready for him being home (for example he didn't like it if there was washing to do at weekends) and driving 100 mile round trips because he didn't like the journey home.

It is already rather nice not having to do all that - its enough spending an hour and a half driving my daughter to and from activities most evenings (sod this area, it's a pretty town but nothing goes on here).

You see, I'm clearly a selfish and lazy person.

Don't let him put the blame on you.

Take control of the fonancial situation. There is an OW, the strong feelings are never just feelings. That is just what lying cheating bastards say before they start blaming it all on the wife .

Take control

I really hate what this has done to our daughter. I'm trying so hard to put on a brave face. She's unwilling to go to bed because of how all her insecurities rattle around in her head, whilst I'm desperate for her to sleep so I can have a crying fit. Yesterday evening I lost it and got her to phone her dad and although this worked a treat with reassuring her, he was annoyed that she wasn't in bed (it was half past nine). Does he honestly think that I want her up at that time??

I is HIM doing this to your dd

Mama, your vicar has a good point about not taking him back because of how much it will again affect your dd. He's right, you do have a duty to her and yourself as well, not to allow it.

Your dd is upset but have you said it's nothing to do with her, sometimes things don't work out etc etc? And organised times when he can see her/ take her out/ have her overnight not in your house at all. This will help your dd see her df and build their relationship separate from you. And your dd will be able to start to feel organised in her life ( not the best description!)

You need to see a solicitor quickly if he is withholding money to pay for his dd, is that what you mean by financial hardship of his making? Get on it then, before he does. He's not your friend and no, despite your differences he won't do the right thing. Think about moving too, back to where you have support and friends.

Done all of that, LavenderHoney. He told our daughter yesterday that it was because Mummy argued with him a lot a couple of years ago.

What went through my head? Yes, you bet I did. Couldn't directly confront you about your bizarre way of making decisions without me - I know you don't like confrontation and I wasn't sure how I could express how I felt without driving you away, especially given you were still witholding intimacy after I'd put effective contraception in place. So I told you - I need us to go to couples counselling. I want to forgive you properly, I want to trust you again. Could you be bothered with any of that? No, of course not.

So is it really so hard to understand how for a while after that, every disagreement we had would escalate to me being very angry with you? I looked so hard in myself to understand why this was happening. I changed everything within my control to stop it. I was successful in this. We went back to being able to disagree with each other without me flying into an uncontrollable rage. I asked you again if we could repair the damage to our relationship I'm counselling. You were non committal.

Did I say any of this to him? Of course not. Which is probably why I'm discharging it now.

I sure was, cardedlady. Horrible wives are well known for reinventing themselves several times over to keep their husbands happy, for talking all the blame for what's gone wrong in the relationship and for putting their own needs last on the list.

Sounds to me your depression was caused by his lack of interest in you. He's obviously off galavanting with somebody else, which isn't your fault at all. He wants you to think it is so he feels less guilt, don't believe him.

A lot of people say that, moopymoodle. And people who know me from before I met him say they can't understand why the vibrant, confident, determined and resourceful woman they know appears to be impersonating a stepford wife (that did make me giggle - there is nothing stepford wife about me). I'm looking at where I live and how far away from places where I'd find enjoyable work that would earn me the most money, and it's as though my life had been completely hijacked.

Sod him OP. Your free now to be your own person, in time you may even decide to date again and find yourself somebody who doesn't bring your self esteem down!

I've already decided that I'll date again once I'm completely happy with my new life as a single mum. Don't want to recruit someone to fix my life, I want someone to share their amazing life with my amazing life. But such is the nature of going through something like this - tomorrow I'll probably say something along the lines of "it's all my fault, I'll do anything to get him back "

Where is it that you'd like to move back to? Perhaps you should try and do this sooner rather than later and start custody/visitation agreement with the move done, rather than have to renegotiate it all again when you've moved.