I think it's important for me to put some back story in here. I went through a horrible separation in 2013 where my DP left me very unexpectedly and devalued me / rewrote our entire history together and generally just completely destroyed my peace of mind.
I can't stress enough that this was not an arsehole or a bad relationship, this was a relationship spanning many years, we lived together, due to be married and as far as I knew he was (a) the nicest man on earth and (b) completely in love with me.
He left me out of nowhere, and fro that day absolutely anything bad he could have done to me - he did it.
- Refusing to explain
- Refusing to even talk to me
- Telling me it was my fault with crazy reasons
- Badmouthing me and lying
- Fucking me over financially
- Putting photos of me on adult friendfinder
You name it, he did it. And this ensued several months of the most extreme psychological abuse from him, during which I did not defend myself- because as far as I was concerned this was my beloved DP who would not harm a fly.
I worked my way through it with counselling, but it was bad for the first 18 moths. Working was hard, I foun it hard to speak to people. I was having severe night terrors that were causing me to have to change the sheets and my clothes in the middle of the nights, and I could not really connect to other people so ended them due to not being ready. I had a couple of very short relationships with nice men who wanted to save me but I wasn't ready.
I picked myself back up, moved far away from xDP and started a new life for 2015.
2015 has been my first foray into internet dating and in Jan 2015 I met a man on Tinder, let's call him Sam, and he became one of many I was texting. He kept asking me out and I kept saying no but he wanted to keep in touch - he just wasn't my type but he seemed nice.
So I dated man 1 from January, and seemed really nice but worked overseas a lot. Then he started to act strange and got caught in a few lies so after 3 months I ended the relationship and subsequently discovered he was in a relationship with numerous other people.
From April I dated man 2 and he also seemed really nice and really into me, but we dated for 4 months and after 4 months we finally slept together and he dumped me and blocked me on Facebook the very next day saying he was sorry and "not ready for a relationship".
I was totally downcast at the end of those two relationships, but truthfully hadn't been in love with either of them so decided to stay positive. All the way through, I stayed in contact with Sam, and we swapped dating stories and we were becoming friends. We started to do thinks as friends..like walking the dog or going to the cinema. By this point Sam had become a really good friend to me and i cared a lot about him.
All the way through, Sam kept saying he felt we'd be so good together, and he wanted to be with me. He didn't seem to have much success with dating himself but he was a good friend.
One night after a few drinks we ended up in bed, and it was actually suprisingly very good and felt fantastic. Thus begun a relationship of sorts. We would pretty much see each other once a week and spend time together and I started to feel very attached to him. Unlike anyone else I had dated since my DP - with him I felt very safe, loved and connected and I was genuinely happy for the first time I remember. He seemed such a kind guy, and so into me. I let him meet my DS, which is the first person since DP and I felt pretty sure we would stay together.
Then after about 7 or 8 weeks of us having a wonderful time he started to act strange and not as interested in me, which really hurt me. It turned out that basically he didn't want commitment (he had told me he was very scared of it several times before we even got together) but basically he'd started to talk to someone else behind my back. In the end he slept with her and I found out via pretty horrible means and it was just awful.
I was honestly just so devastated. I really trusted him, and he'd specifically said he wasn't talking to or with anyone else and was just so convincing and he'd made me believe he wasn't like all the others. I didn't understand why he'd spent all year telling me how wonderful I was and how much he wanted me, only to get me and pretty much immediately do this :(
That happenned 5 weeks or so ago and have found it really hard to bounce back. I can't concentrate to get any work done, my flat is a mess, I stopped showering, I have gone back to smoking and I am coughing so badly I can barely catch my breath, I don't want to do anything and just feel so tired. I missed a really important work thing yestrday from over sleeping. It's nothing like me, and I am not depressed. Just broken.
The worst part is that I am letting Sam walk all over me. At first when I found out he was completely begging me to forgive him and take him back and giving me reasons and telling me I meant far too much to him to lose. I told him to fuck off but was secretly glad he was begging me. It was so unlike my xDP who just ran off and never wanted to see me again.
A week passed, and I was strangely completely upset that he'd accepted my request to "fuck off", and I ended up contacting him and saying we could be friends if he wanted (cringe, I know). He then somehow completely turned the tables by acting frosty with me like I had been the one to hurt him, and although he replied, he was very cold like he didn't want to talk to me.
I left it, and then a week passed and he started sending me dirty texts. Like how he missed licking me, how beautiful I was, how much he loved our incredible sex and how hard it was to let that go :(
A person with a shred of dignity would have told him to fuck off...but I actually just accepted it and even replied in kind :( He now wants to see me for sex!!! And he's now seeing BOTH of us with commitment to neither one.
I am trying to get my head around how a man chased me for most of the year, built up my frust and friendship, lied to me and cheated on me right off the bat and that I am now somehow not only forgiving him, but happy to be his casual fuck while he continues a relationship with someone else.
I have not actually done it yet, but we are talking.
Please help me. This is not me at all.