Dh takes all the fun out of socialising.

[Izzabellasasperella]

I'm upstairs close to tears because once again we have had a row about our social life. Every bloody time I arrange a night out or a party he will without fail moan and gripe about it or just start a row about something else but I know the real reason.
At the event he always, without fail, has a brilliant time and the morning after I will get an apology for his behaviour.
I'm just so tired of it.

Thank you for all your posts. I had a full on cry earlier then I got angry! Dh and I had a horrible row. I know most of it stems from anxiety but he just seems to refuse to acknowledge it.
I feel like I do Christmas and to be fair he did say thank you for all I do. I just want to be able to look forward to something you know plan what I'll wear etc without the endless moaning.
Oh and he is definitely not an introvert.
I'm going to take on board some of your suggestions. Dh has gone on a bike ride so will update later when we have talked again.

I know most of it stems from anxiety

You don't know this. You want to believe it's that because it makes him less of a selfish, horrible person but you don't know what it is. Does he do this before work events, or other social occasions not organised by you? If yes, I think your anxiety theory has more mileage.

But even if it does stem from anxiety, if he won't acknowledge that, let alone try to address it, it leaves you in the same position. You have the right to enjoy your social time, and frankly at the moment that seems to mean cutting him out of it.

Thanks, Hillfarmer. I really don´t know what to do about it. Luckily we don´t go out very often.

Sounds controlling to me. Part of his enjoyment could be making damn sure he ruins your vibe. He might feed off that, over-compensating and being the life and soul, while you reel from earlier.

My ex used to do this too, so many pre-event arguments, then he'd pretend we were fine when we were out, I'd be quiet, he'd be a social butterfly. Perverse pleasure, really, from my discomfort. I also used to think it was his social anxiety, and make excuses for it. But then I opened my eyes. Once you see it for what it is, it's impossible to un-see it.

Good luck.

This is controlling, abusive behaviour. The purpose is to make sure that you do not enjoy the event but he shines and charms everyone - and, with any luck (in his mind) people sympathise with him over his boring, miserable wife and wonder how he puts up with her.

I bet if you look at your marriage carefully, there will be other examples of him getting his own way at your expense, whether it's about spending money, doing household chores, or childcare.

My H used to do that, OP. It's a form of control. It has led us to living separate lives.

'Controlling and abueive behaviour'? That's a huge assumption there. The fact that he goes on to enjoy the actual social event in the end doesn't rule out the possibility of him suffering from anxiety. I can identify with the OP's DH, experiencing similar negativity leading up to events and I certainly am not motivated by an attempt to control or abuse my DH.

I wouldn't go anywhere with him then. You've given him enough warnings. It's total twattery OP, really.

He just wants you to feel like shit OP. This is why it happens every single time a social occasion is looming. Once thats achieved he can be Mr brilliantly sparkling at the event, whilst satisfyingly knowing he has been unkind and made you feel awful. With men like that I feel it adds to their enjoyment. The apology to you behind closed doors away from anybody else's ears is easy, and gives him licence to do it yet again. Its a common enough situation you can read about it a good few places on the internet. You could start going out without him albeit there's no point in that if it won't make you feel good either.

This is who he is and its a case of whether you can accept that or not. I don't agree when people say sit him down and talk to him. He's not a child, he knows exactly what he is doing. You can explain to him exactly how his behaviour makes you feel, and then sit and listen to him either denying, or saying "sorry" then doing the exact same again.

Calculating and manipulating people don't change when they know they're messing someone up, they get off on it. So maybe for you it really is a case of developing a social life without him. I have a mind you'll "pay" for that in another way though, somewhere down the line

Meant to add, he's a man so the "perhaps he is suffering from anxiety, stress, depression" etc talk will be raised. As if these things must go hand in hand with unkindness. Because there always has to be a reason apart from twattery. I think Matildathecat has given really good advice re not engaging in the negative talk in the weeks leading up to the event. Don't rise to it, cut it short every single time then its either you both go or you go alone. That might help put a stop to it. It must be difficult watching someone be the life & soul of the party, charming everyone whilst you're supposed to have a whale of a time knowing he's been making you feel like shit for ages. Good luck and hope it gets sorted

My DH does this. I turn down things outright that I know will overwhelm him but when we do get invites out with good friends, he will usually say yes and seem to be looking forward to it. Then, almost without fail, the day before the negativity will start. He doesn't want to go, why can't i tell them he is working/ill? What's the 'big deal'? And I end up angry or upset.

Half the time I go on my own and half the time he does come and has a great time.

I am convinced that it's control/anxiety at a rate of 50%50%. He used to be very social, friendly, outgoing and keen to go out and we had a great social life, but he's gone through the mill over the past few years, had his confidence knocked and put on weight. We have talked about it and there is definitely insecurity at play.

However, I am convinced there is also a bit of spite. As in "I find this really stressful so I don't know why you're so fucking happy and not considering how hard it is for me. Therefore I will have a tantrum"

I have started to call him on it every time and don't get as upset or hysterical as I used to. Now, when we accept invitations, I tell him that if he wants to bail, he can phone and explain himself. I am not making excuses for him.

He is getting better.