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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

how to get out of an abusive relationship? help

23 replies

Cautlyn8795 · 29/12/2015 00:46

So im finally beginning to admit the relationship im in is abusive we have two children. Im a sahm. He earns alot. Hes never physically abusive but hes aggressive with both me and the kids, hes controlling, and uses the money situation to control me and the kids. He has ongoing mental health problems, depression and self medicating with alcohol abuse.
I need to get me and the kids away from him
But how!? Im scared. We leave and he'll turn into a psychopath. Hes threatened me before when weve argued. Told me he'd burn our house down if we left. That i will never get away with taking out children away from him! :-( hes not bothered about the police or following the law. Hes got enough money and dodgy friends to make me feel very uncomfortable.. Wouldnt care but hes a rubbish dad he cant cope with them at all. Dont know what to do but know enough enough and this cant go on :-(

OP posts:

Notsoaccidentproneanymore · 29/12/2015 12:02

Have you thought about contacting social service?

MNHQ

DawnMumsnet · 30/12/2015 15:06

Hi Cautlyn8795,

We're going to move this thread over to our Relationships topic where hopefully you'll get some good advice and support.

In the meantime, there are plenty of organisations that may be able to help listed in our relationships webguide. We also have a domestic violence webguide which may be worth looking into.

shihtzumamma · 30/12/2015 22:00

Hello,
I don't know why you haven't had many replies. My ex was a narcissist and luckily I didn't live or have children with him.
Do not underestimate him. What you need to go is get in touch with women's aid and they will point you in the right direction do not email go to a phonebox and phone them
If you are prepared to leave the family home I can give you tips on how to do so.

shihtzumamma · 30/12/2015 22:02

If you are prepared to leave do not tell him or give any hint on what you are planning.

NA200712 · 30/12/2015 23:17

Contact woman's aid and they will be able to give you some good advice of what steps to take. I would also inform the police of his controlling abusive behaviour.

goddessofsmallthings · 31/12/2015 00:06

Well done for recognising that you are in an abusive relationship with an aggressive and controlling bully and that this is no way for yourself and your dc to live.

Please make contact with Women's Aid as soon as possible. They have the necessary expertise to help you and your dc leave this intolerable situation and will keep you safe.

www.womensaid.co.uk

BlackeyedShepherdsbringsheep · 31/12/2015 01:10

exit plan. carefully. slowly. with help. do not give any hint that you are planning this as this is the m ost dangerous time.

delete your history from your browser. so he does not know what you ahve been posting.

shihtzumamma · 31/12/2015 11:55

Echo of what I said. I hope your ok.

Original poster

Cautlyn8795 · 02/01/2016 00:50

Thanks for your replies. Im ok. I know this needs to be done. I just need to find the strength to do it! What if its the wrong choice!? What if my children hate me for it?! They live their dad. They are too young to understand. I'll never be able to provide for them like he can. Im so scared!

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 02/01/2016 01:13

It can never be the wrong decision based on how you've described him. Your children will not hate you. They may be upset at the changes in their world at first, but they will come to understand that you did the right thing when they've been living in a peaceful home for awhile.

Talk to WA. Seek legal advice. Talk to a trusted friend and/or family member. Consider whether or not you would be better off to return to work in order to have a bit of financial stability of your own. Move slowly, remain silent about your intentions for now.

If you can, start to build a 'fuck you fund'. That's hiding away money in dribs and drabs. If you don't have an account to which he has no access, start stockpiling cash with someone you trust or hidden somewhere he won't look. Consider whether or not you can write cheques or do debits for 'cash over' when you shop, buy things then return them later for cash, ask him for more cash than you really need for purchases then stash the difference. Do only what you think he won't notice, do it time to time. Both BFF and I did this years (and years!) ago in order to leave abusive marriages.

WanderingNotLost · 02/01/2016 03:26

OP I don't really have any advice that's different or better than what's already been said, but I can assure you that you are absolutely making the right decision for your DC and whilst they may not understand at first, they will eventually. Good luck

Original poster

Cautlyn8795 · 02/01/2016 12:51

He loves his children, absolutly adores them! I feel awful even considering taking them away from him! I just know that we will not be able to keep this amicable! And access to his kids will only lead to him bad mouthing me to them, warping their heads, drinking around them. Hes not a responsibke parent?! Maybe he would be if we split!? Or is that sily to think! I just hate the fact that im going to crush his world! I have a bit of money to fall back on but will definitely start putting money aside. We own a house together despite him pretty much single handedly buying it with me being a sahm. I just feel like sure an awful person. Leaving him will destroy his life! Everyone will think j was only ever with him for his money too! And it really wasnt like that!

OP posts:

ThisHorseCalledDonny · 02/01/2016 13:32

You say he loves the children, but in your first post you say he is a rubbish dad. What with the threats, the temper and the alcohol.

You poor thing :( you are in such a headfuck of a situation. He has trained you with his moods and threats to automatically put his feelings first, before your own, before your kids even.

If he genuinely loved the kids, rather than seeing them as pawns in a fun game of controlling you he'd be fully on board with moving out, getting help with his alcohol abuse and mental health and seeing them a few days a week for real quality time, right?

I really hope you can get through this and get him out. Then you and your children can start actual living again.

Original poster

Cautlyn8795 · 02/01/2016 14:39

We were supposed to have family time today hes changed his mind to go out on drink again! With his family and friends who are all big drinkers! This is how he justifys his alcohol. Though he doesnt see all his friends are only going out once or twice and are going home at decent hours hes seeing them all different days so hes going out much more! And hes always the last out! I dont even think hes sees it! Weve just had a huge row! Where he was again threatening and i managed to record the whole thing on my phone mic!
He does love his kids but he puts alcohol socialising with his friends first but again he doesnt see it! His argument is we can always go with him! I dont want my kids in the pub.. But in his family thats quite normal !?

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 02/01/2016 15:01

Two things to think about:

"The most important thing a father can do for his children is love their mother"

"The true measure of a real man is how he treats his wife when no one is looking"

Compare your H to these two statements. Your H does NOT meet either of these, and their pretty basic and easy to do. He does NOT truly love his children, any feeling he has for them is based on selfishness, not selflessness. And he is NOT a real man as he doesn't treat you right.

He did NOT 'singlehandedly' buy that house! Every effort you put into decorating it, keeping it clean, fixing his meals, cleaning his clothes, looking after his children was an effort that enabled him to earn his wages. If you hadn't been there he would have had to deal with these things himself and that would have either impacted the time he had to further his career or he would have had to pay someone else to do giving him less money to buy the house. You are the reason he could buy that house in the first place!

Original poster

Cautlyn8795 · 02/01/2016 15:22

He could buy that house and pay someone for its upkeep no problem. But i get what ur saying. To be fair if we broke up he wouldnt be home much to have his kids anyway. Unless he quit his job to work at hoke which he would never do :-/

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 02/01/2016 16:24

That's as may be, I just don't want you to ignore or downgrade your contribution to the family. So many times we take for granted the things we do day in and day out that make our family's lives comfortable and run smoothly. You are valuable and your contribution is worth a great deal.

Don't let him make you think otherwise!

Original poster

Cautlyn8795 · 02/01/2016 18:00

Thank you! I have been made to feel like i do nothing for a long time!

OP posts:

Original poster

Cautlyn8795 · 02/01/2016 18:02

As for ur other comments he doesnt love me. Im pretty certain of that. He says he does but if he did he would care how i feel he would want to be around me and he would be nice! None of that happens! Im pretty certain he just loves what i do for him.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cautlyn8795 · 02/01/2016 18:03

And how he treats me away from everyone. He sits on his phone, or rants about the world, we dont really have any kind of relationship. The kids go to bed we sit.. Its like we co exists rather than share anything!

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 03/01/2016 01:40

And so there you go. He's not a good father, nor a good husband. You deserve much better in life than someone like him.

I think you need to think about what you want. And then see about getting it. It won't happen overnight. It may take a year or more. But you aren't going to get what you want staying where you are.

shihtzumamma · 04/01/2016 14:13

The doubt...is normal. The questions,if you are doing the right thing....thats normal.
If he behaves the way you say he does the kids will not thank you for staying they will have problems themselves in later life and maybe even behave the way he does or get into the same relationship as you are in.
Save money(behave normal around him and do not give him any hint what you are planning.. If you are going to speak to women's aid they should give you somewhere to stay) and while you are doing that, get as much info as you can to drill it into your head you are with a abusive man you need to get away for your sanity and your children's.
When you do get away you will feel relief and freedom like you thought possible believe me it is the only choice and the best choice.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/01/2016 14:21

"He loves his children, absolutly adores them!"

No he does not, he sees them like you as mere possessions and or trophies to display.

This is not the example of a relationship you want to be showing them at all Cautlyn, you do not want this to at all become their normal. He has thought nothing of destroying your life or crushing your worlds has he; he has given you all no consideration whatsoever.

Read up on co-dependency in relationships and see how much of those behaviours fits in with yourself.

Do speak to Womens Aid; they can and will help you get away from this individual. It is perhaps only when you are finally free of him will you yourself realise the extent to which he has controlled you throughout your marriage. Such men can and do take years to recover from. That recovery for you will only start when you are free of him.

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