"you can't change him, you have to change yourself"

[InspectorNorse]

So I know that in theory this makes sense. If you're with someone who has a habit that irritates you, and it's just part of who they are (and not damaging), then I know that the logic is to find ways to cope with the irritation rather than be intent on changing the other person.

What if you don't want to change though? What if you think the things about them are damaging? But you also don't want to just leave them?

I'm beginning to realise who my husband really is. He's one of those men who comes across as amazingly steady, mature, selfless, etc... That's why I fell for him and married him! But since we've moved to be nearer his family, I'm getting to know my father in law better, and seeing that all of the negative traits of my father in law are also appearing in my husband. My FIL is also an on-the-surface charmer, but they are both hugely proud, hugely arrogant and worst of all, hugely controlling.

What the men in the family say is what is done. Final. And my husband said recently that he was ashamed of me because I didn't agree with him on something. He didn't want people to know, because be is ashamed to have a wife who doesn't agree with him...

The control and power play with my in-laws is terrifying, and I'm so afraid that will be us. When FIL arrives anywhere, all family members have to stop whatever they are doing and go and greet him at the car. He also insists everyone outside the family calls him by his title, even BILs girlfriend has to (and I had to until married, upon which I had to call him dad... I don't,I just avoid ever using a name) - so like, instead of Steve, he has to be Doctor Steve (just an example).

With a role model like this, it's hardly surprising my husband has turned out how he is, but he can't see any flaws in his father at all, as they both genuinely think they are better than everyone else. As does BIL. It's a horribly patriarchal culture in this family.

I know that my MIL and both of my husband's sisters have been to counselling for things related to the controlling and power play going on. I recently went to see a counsellor to talk through how I could learn to cope, and she happened to know my in-laws and said that for years she has worried for my MIL having no life of her own (dutiful, subservient wife), and that she is also worried for me that this might turn into history repeating itself. Her advice was to get away from my in-laws, so that my husband can see other models of marriage (we are about to move halfway round the world to be nearer my family), but she said that this is all he's known, so it'll be what he expects...

What the flip do I do?! I don't want to leave him, we have a baby and he has some very good qualities (though I'm beginning to wonder whether he just knows how to put them on to appear the amazing guy he wants everyone to think he is), but if I can't change him, how on earth do I survive this marriage without becoming lifeless like MIL, or bitter and resentful?

Honestly right now I'd rather take the baby and leave, but I know it's too soon to give up. But what can I do? I have spoken to him a thousand times about things, but he cannot ever be wrong, and that's just past of his personality. He has to know best. Even his apologies for things come with explanations of why he was right, "but he'll say he's sorry"... What can I do??!!

Oh, and yes, I get the concern about the counsellor! It wasn't quite that way though, as she is also someone I see socially, and she sometimes offers me free "counselling" sessions which are not official, but she helps me find strategies to cope with the isolated situation I have found myself in since moving here. So yes, awful behaviour if it were an official thing

Doesn't matter. Extremely unprofessional thing to do. Doesn't matter if actually in their office or not.

I think things will become a lot clearer after you move. He will not have his family to validate him. And you will have yours and presumably friends who can speak to honestly.

I've just moved back to the uk myself and t has shown me that because my family weren't there, where we were before, I had been putting myself on the back seat somewhat.

I was just there for my dh and my dc all of the time. No need to compromise on where we were spending Christmas. No need for dinner to be late because I am picking up my nephew from school as he has school camp and can't get his bag on the bus.

It's just hard to know how on earth to change someone!

I'd strongly suggest you look up Fleas here - and also, absolutely essential, this or other reasonably good articles about selfish sods masquerading as nice guys ... for a time.

One or the other will apply to your husband.

I'd suggest you watch and observe him in a detached way for a time after you get back to England. If he does show signs of real change, then it's probably Fleas not fundamentally deep that he's a sod deep down.

Keep talking to him, speaking honestly, making sure you're clear in what you want. YOU can't really change him, but he can choose to change if he is able to -and wants to-.

He does need to change, badly, becuase his views on women and how they should behave are going to influence your daughter. If he won't/can't then your daughter might grow up into the same mold as your MIL and as your husband is (unconsciously?) is expecting of you.

Inspector, I think it will become very clear very fast whether this is going to function. Don't let him get away with any passive agressive behaviour when you are with your family & friends. He will most likely try & get you to stay at home. & dominate. IMO your story only makes for a sad half life.

You need to change as become more assertive with your own wants and needs and not putting up with his controlling behaviour. At first sight, I am no expert he seems a bit like a narcissist. There is plenty on the subject on this website, check it out yourself.
He needs to change, a relationship is 50/50 you seem to always be the one making amends. What is the impact on you?