Differences of opinions causing problems

[d3speratedad]

Hello

I'm looking for advice. I've been married to my wife for 3 1/2 years now - we've been going out for 8 1/2. We have 2 wonderful kids together - a girl who's nearly 4 and a boy of 2 1/2. They're both lovely. I love my wife and we've had a great time together but we're really struggling to agree on how to bring up our kids and it's making things very difficult between us.

We come from very different backgrounds. I'm from the UK and she's from Eastern Europe. My family has quite a bit of money, her's doesn't.

Most of the problems start between our daughter and my wife. Our daughter is quite a strong willed little one. She's lovely but not easy - just like my wife. For example, our daughter doesn't have a big appetite and will often eat very little. This angers my wife to the point of shouting. Once she's done with shouting at our daughter she starts shouting at me. Why is it always up to her to discipline the kids (discipline = shouting) ? Several times it's even involved forced feeding. I'm quite a calm guy but several times it's almost come to blows between us. I'd never thought that I could be in a relationship like that.

On top of that she's always fretting about the health of our kids. Every little thing is blown out of proportion. I've lost count of the times we've rushed to A&E after the most minor of tumbles. She's convinced our kids are ill because they've got a few lumps on their necks. Goodness knows how many check-ups they've had and no problem found. They have no other signs of illness (our daughter is thin but so are we). To make matters worse she's a doctor so she considers this her domain - I don't have a say. I have started questionning things but then she feels that I'm undermining her.

The kids have been waking up in the night. I wanted to put a stop to it as I believe most of the time they're just playing up. She insists on getting up and cleaning out their noses (as the mucus will run into their throats). Once she's exhausted herself she'll shout at me to do it.

At the moment we've got her mother over living with us as we've just bought a new place with loads of refurbishment to do. She'll be staying 3 months. She's lovely but she comes with her own set of rules. No cold drinks, ice-cream (they will make the kids sick). Baths can be dangerous (even when the house is heated to 25 degrees C!). That puts me in a tricky situation. It's difficult explaining to the kids why previously these things were OK before but now they're not or having to openly contradict the mother-in-law.

The problem is that my wife and her mother both believe that they are right. They're nice people with different views and these views are not open to negotation.

The situation at work isn't much fun. I'd have changed a long time ago but I receive a decent wage, the economy isn't great, we have bills to pay and my wife hasn't been working. Overall I feel that things could be great but my wife would need to change her outlook and I'm not sure that she can - it's part of who she is. I didn't get to see this side of her before we had kids so I had no idea how it would develop. When work's not much fun and home's a pitched battle, life seems like a slog. I've got too much invested in it (both financially and emotionally - especially with letting down the kids) to give up on it easily but how long can you batten down the hatches and wait for the storm to pass? Maybe these arguments will be replaced with teenage disputes. I admit that from time to time my mind wanders to the idea of getting the light relief that used to exist between us elsewhere but I know that would all end in disaster.

Does anyone have any ideas / advice ?
Thanks

And don't be daft re flirting! It will only make things worse between you and your wife.

But if we're talking about culture then 'flirting' has historically been acceptable in the culture you are currently living in.

Your poor little child.

Where to start? 🙄

Your wife is not lovely. Nor is your mil. They are horrible abusive people who shouldn't be allowed anywhere near a child. Force feeding is ABUSIVE. Even "just" shouting at a child for not eating is abusive. Is that not fucking obvious? What on earth are you doing tiptoeing around this awful woman??

Either she's an evil cow or she's fucking nuts. Whatever, you need to do something.

I don't know where to start on this one. My wife definitely isn't evil, although I guess not many people are. She does have a temper, a need to control and some insecurity issues (she's also very jealous) and has a very different background form em or fro mmost of the people on this site, I'm guessing.

I don't really consider myself to be tiptoeing around either. As I said we've almost come to blows. What am I supposed to do ? Fight fire with fire and pin her against the wall and really show her who's in charge ? In front of the kids ? Or quit the family home that has all our (my) savings invested in it and rent a 2 bed appartment and try for some sort of shared access ? Then I'd have to explain to my 2 young kids why their Dad doesn't live with them anymore. Maybe it's for the best but I'm not sure they'd see it that way.

I would personally file for divorce and seek 100% residence, with documented instances of her abuse. Because that's what force feeding is. It's physical abuse. And shouting at a child for not eating is emotional abuse.

pocketsaviour

I can guarantee that I would not win 100% residence (2 young kids, mother with a good job, no history of abuse). It would be my word against hers. No evidence. Courts tend to favour mothers when kids are young anyway so as a Dad you'd have to have an exceptional case.

Neither would I want to. These 2 kids need their mother. They love her to bits. If I forcefully prised them away from her goodness knows how much harm that would do at their age.

I think that people have very differing parenting styles for lots of reasons - their cultural, economic, religious backgrounds as a well their own specific emotional make up.

Parenting is hard.

First principle in EVERY parenting system (cultural, religious etc) though is consistency of boundary and consequences by both parents.

You do not have this here and as other have said you need to sit down and agree what the rules are.

Most times it doesnt really matter what the rule actually is (unless abusive) - eg bedtime a 7 on the dot, sometime between 7 and 8, letting them fall asleep on the sofa .... you just have to agree this between you once and then back each other up each and every time.

I would pick your battles and just deal with the extremes (shouting and food issues) - but try to do this with some evidence based material which would appeal to the scientist - so show her child psychology papers or some youtube stuff on a more compassionate approach to parenting. I would imagine that she does not feel happy about shouting/loosing control - she might well welcome some support and direction from you here to overcome this.

It sounds though that she has bigger underlying emotional issues to deal with first - she sounds very anxious and would need treatment for this before she was even able to tackle her emotionally extreme reactions around the children.

But it is not a one way street - I wonder if you are walking on egg shells or being a bit passive-aggressive yourself? For instance refusing to deal with the DS screaming for water at night....I dont mean that you get up to get it like you wife does but you could pre-empt the whole thing by leaving water by your sons bed and setting up a star chart to reward him for self sooting if he wakes in the night....so some positive role modeling from you to your wife?

I married into a different culture too (middle Eastern) and could also have written half your post - the baths, the ice cream, the fact that when your view differs from theirs then you are wrong and they are right. Very hard to live with. All I can do is sympathise. In some ways I have it easier than you because I am the mother and I can (sort of) put my foot down with child-rearing and say I do it my way - mind you, you should have seen the disgusted looks I got from my in-laws and the muttering that went on behind my back when I insisted dd sleep on her back as a baby. We seem to be fairly unique in the UK in being able to value other cultures' opinions on child-rearing!

Do you have other British friends who have married into your wife's culture? If so, it will make you feel a lot better to get together with them and have a good old moan, if nothing else. Particularly now when you have your mother-in-law with you and it's basically them against you!

Tell your wife how you feel. Take her to visit other families of a similar cultural mix as yours so that she too can see that it's not just you, it's everyone who was brought up in your country too!

Thanks everyone. It's good to here that other people have come through very similar situations. It really helps to put things into perspective. Maria you have my sympathy.

Loooopo - you're right, there is some pasive aggression on my part. I feel that my views are being ignored and I'm loathed to try to back up a system I fundamentally disagree with. Maybe we could put water by his bed but he's only little and there'd be a very real risk of him spilling it on himself in the dark. Also, I'm pretty sure that he doesn't need to drink. It's an excuse to get up. The next thing he generally asks is to go downstairs.

Give ds a sippy cup at night.

Hmm. I actually think that the OP's wife is getting a bit of a kicking on this thread and I'm not sure that it's all deserved (although some of it may be; obviously force feeding and repeated shouting etc aren't acceptable). I think that unfortunately, although we all try to compromise where we can, there are just some decisions in marriage or in child rearing which are binary. Either you do something (take fallen child to A & E) or you don't. One of you is therefore going to "win" and one will "lose". "Winning" doesn't automatically make you abusive towards your spouse, and neither would it have made the other parent abusive if they had "won".

An example which has just occurred to me is controlled crying. When DD was a baby, she was a flipping awful sleeper. When she was 8 months old, we were still waking up every hour through the night. I was half mad with lack of sleep. I felt very strongly that I didn't want to do controlled crying. Indeed, a number of mumsnetters informed me in no uncertain terms on here that they would consider it abusive (although such is the nature of this subject that I'm sure an equal number would have told me that that was nonsense!) The point is that that my desire not to leave DD to cry was a genuine, strongly held belief. I felt it was harmful to my child. Despite my posting on MN, what other parents in my country or town or street thought ultimately wasn't relevant - it was something I felt very strongly about. DH, who is a lovely man and not at all nasty or abusive, felt very strongly that we should do controlled crying. He was also exhausted from getting up in the night and felt that as a family it would be better for all of us because it would allow us to get some sleep. Neither of us was absolutely right or wrong but I fought him all the way on it, even thought that had an impact on his sleep also. I am assuming from some of the replies here that that might have been considered to be abusive. I really hope not.

However, even if I was, sometimes being a parent puts you in an impossible situation. There are some things you genuinely believe you have to do in order to avoid being abusive towards your kids (not force feeding obviously, but going to A & E might be an example), even if that upsets or could even be construed as being potentially abusive towards another person you love. It's awful and horrible but unfortunately there are times when you have to make that call. It is deeply miserable for everyone and I'm sure your wife is far from delighted with this situation also, OP - she does sound as though she might be happier if she received some help with her anxiety - but sadly, that is one of the things I found most difficult about becoming a parent: that DH and I now had to be one another's second priority, after the kids. It's really miserable, isn't it? :(

The DCs are going to run rings round her.

Perhaps you can send her away for a weekend or two and 'cope' on your own, set a few good rules and show her they work.

As far as no ice cream (who cares?) no cold orange juice (who cares?) and if your wife wants to martyr herself to running up and down stairs all evening let her.

Getting DMIL out of the way would make it fairer. And look for a better job.

I've lived in the US and one DM kept a fridge full of M&Ms and crap, 'so the kids have something nice when they get home from school' (she worked full time). Anyway the kids are normal adults now and survived fine. Different ideas, but if the kids are loved they should be fine.

Only problem I have is the force feeding but why is DD not hungry - is she allowed to snack???

As ever it depends on the sex of the poster on here 🙄

A woman posting about a husband emotionally and physically abusing a small child would be quite rightly be unanimously told to LTB.

But cos it's a woman..... 🙄

Hi. Thanks for the advice. Maybejustme - you're right my wife doesn't deserve a kicking. She really loves the kids and is doing her best even if I sometimes feel her efforts are misguided (she actually puts in far too much effort and exhausts herself - and me, then she snaps).

She acknowledges that she has self confidence issues (although you wouldn't notice if you met her - she's an extrovert) and puts this down to her overbearing father. However, it's a lot for me to work fulltime, help out with the kids, work on the new place and sort out her head. I believe that people are responsible for their own happiness. I can help her but I can't do it for her or take full responsibility for that part - sometimes I'm run down and exhausted myself (especially after a full day of work followed by housework and arguments round the dinner table).

SSargassoSea - DD has a really small appetite. I don't know how she eats so little. But then again my wife and her mother eat next to nothing as well. I don't know how they do it either. I eat more than the rest of the family put together. The only one who eats well is DS and he's only 2.

ThatsNotMyRabbit

I think you're touching on a taboo subject here but I agree with you. There definitely are double standards in our society regarding domestic violence. Feminist groups are always promoting it as a womans issue missing the elephant in the room that a large percentage of cases are actually perpetrated by women (far higher than is reported as well as how many guys are going to go to the police over an issue like that and be laughed at). Women are equally as capable as men - in bad ways as well as good.

I reckon that even a decent percentage of times when the guy has lashed out a fair few may have been in retaliation but due to the inherent size differences we're always going to be the one that gets clobbered by the law. As guys we don't have the right to lose it - we just can't. Women can get away with it to some extent (remember Solange on JZ - imagine if it had been JZs brother thumping Beyoncé!).