DD 14 seems drawn to unhealthy relationships

[Hetty3838]

She has had two boyfriends. The first one lasted a year he was like a rabbit in headlights around me but it transpired he was not nice at all. Always letting DD down, playing on her insecurities , acted embarrassed of her if they were out he'd blank her , would agree to meet her then not turn up or answer phone or texts and I was told by others that he spoke to her like shit . When I got wind of this (she was very secretive) We had a long chat about it , she realised it was very wrong but struggled to let go as she didn't want the pain of him meeting someone else. Thankfully she did let go and I was very relieved .... Until 3 weeks later she had another boyfriend . He seemed much nicer so although I'd rather she'd have stayed single i accepted him he's been round for dinner weekly, he complimented her and took her for nice days out and for dinner etc. However I have overheard lots of arguing on the phone , DD gets hysterical screaming house down. From what I can gather he makes accusations and gets paranoid she then spends hours justifying herself. He is on the phone 24/7. She is vile to me if they are a bit rocky. After a particularly difficult evening with DD I removed her phone it wouldn't stop pinging and I looked (bad me) he was ever so needy "why aren't you answering, pick up now" "or don't then forget it it's over bye".

I did a really bad mum move and messaged him I should add here DD has HF ASD , anxiety and major anger issues. He was apologetic him and DD fine now. I am not keen on this relationship it seems to intense and needy they have only been dating a few weeks but she "loves him". If I dare to even mention it she's "leaving home". How can I help her understand about healthy relationships ?! According to her all her friends boyfriends are way worse and swear at them daily. She has no contact with her dad and I'm a single parent so I suppose she has missed growing up seeing a healthy relationship.

IME this sounds a bit like your typical early teen type drama fuelled r'ships. I have yet to come across any 14/15 year old who understands 'healthy r'ships'. Of course there will always be exceptions to this.

Oh dear, OP, this is my nightmare scenario - my older DD is only 11 but I am dreading her getting a manipulative/abusive boyfriend and (probably unsuccessfully), I am trying to teach her about healthy relationships/friendships so that she can recognise the warning signs. If your daughter won't listen to you, is there an older friend or relative who might have more influence? I agree that these relationships sound completely out of whack and she should be of the opinion that a boyfriend is only worth having if he brings something good into her life. to you - I feel for you.

She sees it as good as they are in love, he buys her gifts and says the right things but he was this extremely paranoid, needy side which is worrying me. I wish they covered this kind of thing in phse as it seems she's not alone. It's just little things I'm picking up on , it might be paranoia after missing bf 1s nasty ways. She is meant to be going to a party on Saturday , she loves parties, he's not invited and now she doesn't want to go. She claims its nothing to do with him she just doesn't want to but it's out of character. She's pretty cagey about him but gushes when he is being nice. I know when he's not as she is irrational , rude and angry with me .

She has relatives but she just sings his praises to them , she did with ex to! She sees camhs and they know she won't talk about it 1-1 so they are coming to her school to do some group work with a few on this kind of thing.

Your dd has major anger issues....and you message her Bf? That's not particularly shrewd.. Are you in a healthy relationship yourself OP?

No I'm not I've been single for a while. I know I shouldn't have messaged him but he was manipulating her and i saw red!