Exh can't look at me

[Buster08]

Exh and I separated in 2013 after 23 years together. He couldn't adapt to family life and we grew further and further apart. Dcs were 11 and 6 when we split. Exh had been emotionally abusive to me for years, and been in contact with several ow that I knew of.

I wanted us to try for the dcs sakes but in the end he said he wanted a divorce so we did. Despite feeling enormously guilty over how it would affect the dcs it was actually a huge relief in the end.

Fast forward 2 and a half yrs, dcs are settled and split their time between our houses. I've met a new partner who is lovely, we live separately but meet up at weekends, dcs like him.

Exh still seems to be miserable and tells me miserable stories about himself all the time. He has numerous ailments, he's negative about pretty much everything, he seems to feel very sorry for himself and is always seeking sympathy for something.

I find him so draining, and it's only now he's been away for so long that I can what an awful affect he had on me. I feel so much more happy and carefree now he's not here.

He had a habit of texting me long rambling texts that make no sense, about how I'm upsetting the children by meeting someone new. I've spoken to the dcs and they understand, and I try very hard to reassure them that nothing major will change to their lives any time soon, we have no plans to live together while the dcs are at home.

Exh however doesn't appear to like the fact that I've met someone else, and that I'm moving on with my life. His latest text today said that he was struggling to 'look at me' for reasons that I wouldn't understand. He wanted to let me know in case I wondered why he couldn't look me in the eye. WTF?? I had noticed this and just assumed it was him being awkward but why he needs to actually point it out I don't know.

I've recently started counselling and it's only just hit me that he was actually abusive and controlling when we were together. It's taken this long and for a third party to spell it out. It's difficult to take in and I feel so weak, to think that this was going on and I didn't realise.

And it's still going on. He is using the children to get at me because he knows I feel guilt at how it's affected them. He's trying to turn it round and make me feel that I'm the one causing problems. And now he can't even look at me, such is his contempt. And like a fool I text back and try to be nice to make him like me again, like I always did. The truth is I'm scared of upsetting him, he always seem so threatening and I worry that he could easily turn the dcs against me just by his words.

All this is why I started counselling and I know I have a lot of work to do on my confidence and how to deal with him.

Does anyone recognise this and have any advice? I've tried to go nc apart from children-related stuff but he continues to send these long texts, presumably when he's got something on his mind.

Thank you for all your messages, this is exactly what I need to hear. This has gone on too long, and I can't move on with my life until I get rid of him properly. My new partner is so understanding, he's not put any pressure on me to do anything at all, he just seems to enjoy my company and I really enjoy his.

I owe it to myself to be able to move on so I need to change my mindset and focus on myself now. More counselling definitely needed.

In answer to an earlier question, he was never physically abusive, which only made it all the more harder to realise what was happening. He was very keen to point out that he'd never hit me, and made sure everyone knew as well

That's strange. Why would anyone go about boasting they'd never hit their spouse? That would get my hackles up immediately if someone told me that i.e as if they're saying 'I might do everything else under the sun but I'd never, ever hit her'.

That's pretty much what he was saying, although in his mind only physical abuse is wrong, he was always very clear about how he'd always been taught never to hit a woman (by his dad who abused his mum and siblings for years but presumably never actually hit them)

I've spoken to the dcs and they understand, and I try very hard to reassure them that nothing major will change to their lives any time soon, we have no plans to live together while the dcs are at home

What?

Your youngest is only 6. So, if it gets really serious with your BF, you are going to hold him at arms length, for a minimum of 12 years? Does your BF know this?

That is nonsense.

There is nothing wrong with moving him in, and marrying him, if you fall in love with him. The kids will have to adapt. I've done it. It's fine.

You don't owe your ExH any assurances about how you will proceed with your new relationship. Your ExH sounds very much like my ExH. Long rambling bullshit texts and abusive phone calls. It's very hard to handle. He also got very funny when I met someone new. But guess what? That "someone new" turned out to be the love of my life and several years on, he is now my DH. Kids love him. He moved in 8 months after we met and he actually then started handling ExH for me. That soon knocked it all on the head, as ExH knew if he was horrible to me, that he would have DH to deal with and I'm sure it helped that DH is built like a brick shit house, and is twice ExH size

you and your cc will benefit from family counselling as your ex has damaged them too.

He managed to upset everyone last night by not replying to his phone all day and night. Poor dd was upset, then his mum started panicking that something was wrong. When he still hadn't responded after midnight his brothers went round and ended up breaking in. Turns out he was just 'asleep' and hadn't checked his phone all day On NYE! He was nasty to his brothers when they woke him so at least it's not just me he's like this to.

I've stayed out of it, apart from comforting dd. I think she's started to get the measure of him now too. I'm so angry at him for worrying his own daughter though.

He's still abusing and controlling you all. Is it really good for the kids to see an abusive father?