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Relationships

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Original poster

He can't have kids and I'm deeply in love, feel gutted

49 replies

gottago2 · 27/12/2015 22:42

I've fallen in love with a man who is 52. I am 32. He can't have anymore children for biological reasons. I badly want children. We can't be together unless I am ok with not having kids. He already has 2 from a previous marriage.

I knew from 4 weeks into dating him that he couldn't have kids. We stopped seeing each other but still spoke - I feel like he is my soulmate and it's hard not to talk to him. We only text - nothing on the phone. It's been like this for months with a coffee every other week or so as friends.

I love him so much and so deeply. He understands the situation and has said to me that if it's easier for us not to speak, he understands and will not pursue talking. At the same time, he says he is willing to be friends as he doesn't want to lose me in his life.

This man has been open and honest with me and I have tried to reason with myself that this wont work etc, and I know that. I have been on dates recently and know I must focus on my own future. But the love for him is still there.

Not sure what I'm asking really...just feel really low. I have never ever been in love like it - I think the absolute world of him. Not sure what to do from here...

OP posts:

Roonerspism · 28/12/2015 07:51

What Lynda says. Move on and go no contact.
Don't wake up in 5 years time, realising the soulmate stuff is a myth and be 5 years later trying to find someone you can have kids with

lavenderhoney · 28/12/2015 08:01

How long since you split up?
And stop meeting him and texting - it's doing you no good at all. And he must know that a 32 year old will probably want DC. Start dating again?

I think dating a man much older than you with grown up children - it shouldn't take a month to find out he doesn't want DC - for you, it's one of the first questions to ask ( in a roundabout way!)

SavoyCabbage · 28/12/2015 08:28

I agree with Lynda too.

Even if there were soulmates, he is not yours as he doesn't want children and you do.

scarlets · 28/12/2015 08:49

If he were asking for advice, he'd probably be told to be unselfish and let you get on with your life without him. He'd be advised to find someone with the same goals as him, probably closer to his age. I don't think he's being particularly fair on you by stringing you along. If you stick with this guy, at 60 you could be widowed/a carer with no DCs to offer practical or moral support - and that's if you even get past the "resentment" stage when you hit 45 and realise it's too late to conceive. Stop over romanticising this relationship - think practically.

Whoknewitcouldbeso · 28/12/2015 08:59

If your desire for children is so strong it's potentially destroying the relationship at this stage, I can tell you absolutely that once you start knocking on 40 you will be in a dreadful state over it.

I walked away from a significant relationship at 36 because my partner, after thinking about it for 6 months, decided he didn't want anymore children (he had two from a previous relationship). I had to respect his decision but also knew it was a real breaker for me. Thank god he let me go as I went on to meet my fiancé and we have one son and another due in Feb. I am now 40.

OryxNotCrake · 28/12/2015 09:01

Look, if you want children desperately and he cannot have them, then you are fundamentally incompatible. I get that you love him but this doesn't have 'happily ever after' written all over it, does it? You are 32. You may have a decade of fertile years left if you're lucky. You have time to find someone else.

End it now and save yourself years of angst and disappointment.

OryxNotCrake · 28/12/2015 09:07

You are not the only one in this situation. I have a friend from school. Been with the same man since we were teenagers. He was clear from the outset he didn't want children. She was with him for 15 years before she realised he wouldn't change his mind. She loved him desperately but she left because she ultimately wanted children more than she wanted him. 2 years after their split, she met someone else. They got married and had twin boys. She is an absolutely brilliant mother and they are so happy. If she'd stayed with her old boyfriend, she wouldn't have had any of that.

Cabrinha · 28/12/2015 11:46

How has he got biological reasons he can't have children when he has 2? Are they biologically his?
If it's a vasectomy, have you looked at reversal or at IVF?

Be clear whether this is CAN'T have, or doesn't WANT to have. I suspect the latter. He's had kids, and us done with it.

Walk away NOW.

Isetan · 28/12/2015 14:04

I don't subscribe to the soulmate bullshit either but if it did exist, he wouldn't be yours anyway because you have opposing positions on a fundamental subject.

If you want children it is absolutely your responsibility not to spend time with a man who doesn't.

Meeep · 28/12/2015 14:10

There are plenty more fish in the sea. Cease contact with him.

redstripecane · 28/12/2015 14:16

DH and I were in the opposite situation. I have one dd of my own and I made a decision early on that I wouldn't have any more for various reasons, and when I met DH I made that clear to him. He had always expected to have dc but fell in love with me, and accepted my terms and we have a happy marriage.

So it can work OP, if you can accept a life without your own children. DH loves spending time with DD and our various nieces and nephews, and is content with that. You say briefly in your OP that you badly want children, but most of your OP is about your feelings for this man and not about your yearning for children, so it's a good time to reflect on how strongly you feel about both of these.

FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld · 28/12/2015 15:19

I guess the biological reasons would either be the snip or he's a carrier for something. But the former can sometimes be reversed, and if its the latter there might have been improvements in screening since he last discussed it with a doctor? I must say I'd be suspicious in OPs shoes. Are you totally sure he couldn't just not want more and be spinning you a line OP? Tbh I could understand why a bloke in his 50s wouldn't fancy doing the sleepless nights and terrible twos again. I'm more than 20 years younger than him and it knackers me!

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 28/12/2015 15:25

Even if he could have more children it's likely that at 52 he wouldn't want to. It's absolutely exhausting!

Norest · 28/12/2015 17:01

I think buying into the notion that there is only one 'soulmate' keeps so many people stuck in situations which are not ultimately good for them and what they want.

You are both at different stages of life and with vastly differents wants for the future.

You say you knew from early on he could not have kids, four weeks? And since then you have only met sporadically for coffee and so on? In which case your actual relationship lasted a month and based on this you feel he is your soulmate?

It sounds as though you have a notion of relationships very much in the 'One True Love' sort of framework, and keeping yourself in this mindset, is going to leave you pining for something you can't be sure would ever work kids or no kids, because how can you know based on a one month relationship?

LucySnow12 · 28/12/2015 17:17

How can you really know him when you only text and meet for a coffee every other week? I think you are infatuated. Personally I don't believe there is such a thing as soulmates.

BitOfFun · 28/12/2015 17:37

Is there no way you can be happy with the children you already have? Lots of people have to stop at one or two for all sorts of reasons, but would have liked to have had more.

TheSecondViola · 28/12/2015 17:41

Op doesn't have any children

Alisvolatpropiis · 28/12/2015 17:46

Honesly you need to end this now.

My husband is 20 years older than me, I knew in my heart that if children weren't something he saw in our shared future, I would end it. I knew it at 21, well before actually having children was at all on the cards.

Being with an older man does require some sacrifice, like the idea of growing old together, it's just not going to happen, and accepting being a relatively young widow in all likelihood. I wasn't willing to give up children, regardless of how much I love him.

Trills · 28/12/2015 18:23

I am your age and I don't have kids, but I know I could have a happy life without them (haven't 10% decided either way, yet).

You sound as if you would NOT be happy if you didn't have kids (or at least try to).

Which means that this relationship is not going to make you happy.

So leave it and go find a relationship that will make you happy.

This will include stopping seeing him - it will be very difficult for any new person to measure up if you don't give them a chance without constant comparisons.

BitOfFun · 28/12/2015 20:11

Sorry, I thought I'd read she had two children already.

Trills · 28/12/2015 21:44

BoF - HE has two children already. She has none.

ImperialBlether · 28/12/2015 21:51

You don't know him very well at the moment, OP. I know you've fallen for him but you don't know him well. Someone in their 50s is very, very different from someone in their 30s. You are at completely different stages in your life. His children are probably not that much younger than you. If you did have children with him, by the time they're at school it's likely he'd be 60. That is really unrealistic for a hell of a lot of people.

Distance yourself from him and look seriously at finding someone who can give you what you want and who is suited to you at this stage in your life.

YouStillLookLikeAMovie · 28/12/2015 21:55

I know someone who was in roughly this situation.

I am going to be really blunt, and I'm sorry if it's painful. You have a 20 year age gap. 32 and 52 may feel alright, but 52 and 72 or 62 and 82 is very different.

The person I know was widowed in her 40s, and as they have no children was left completely on her own.

It's not a life path I would choose to tread unless I was very sure I didn't want kids.

There is no such thing as a soulmate. You are in love, I don't doubt that. But if it is what you want, you can choose the short term pain of cutting free and opening yourself up to meeting someone else.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 28/12/2015 22:32

You only get one life. You will get over him and hopefully you will have children in the future who will make the sacrifice worth it.

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