Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

If someone doesn't value you as a friend do you cut them off?

17 replies

Batmania · 27/12/2015 21:57

If you feel a friendship is one sided and the other person doesn't particularly value you or respect you, and makes no time for you, do you cut that person off?

OP posts:

CrabbyCockwomble · 27/12/2015 21:59

Yes. Why wouldn't you?

Dumdiddlydum · 27/12/2015 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

likethehip · 27/12/2015 22:04

Yes, I do. I don't have time for people in my life who add nothing to it. They don't need to have done anything major, just not having time for me shows that the friendship is over and it's time to move on.

ChishandFips33 · 27/12/2015 22:06

To a degree. I just wouldn't run after them, spend time organising things for/with them but would be there if they genuinely needed me

WhoKn0wsWhereTheMistletoes · 27/12/2015 22:12

No, but I would let it drift.

SixtyFootDoll · 27/12/2015 22:13

Yes.

Bonkerz · 27/12/2015 22:31

2015 has been a difficult one for me with friendships but what I have now at the end of 2015 is a group of loyal friends who give me as much as I give them and who love me despite my faults. That means so much more than losing the fake hard work friends I had at the beginning of the year

RedRainRocks · 27/12/2015 23:10

Yes.

likethehip shared almost exactly my thoughts.

Vanderwaals · 28/12/2015 06:03

Yes.
I had a friend who was very selfish, didn't see when she was in the wrong, immature, used to argue every time she saw me, made me do things I didn't want to do. I don't know why I put up with it so long, but she used to be fun.
So one day I decided I'd had enough and just stopped talking to her. Last time I saw her we had an argument over me not helping her do something, she 1000% percent believes I'm in the wrong.
Now she just shares passive aggressive posts on fb!

TouchingToes · 28/12/2015 06:20

Absolutely! Don't waste precious time on someone who doesn't value you.

BadlyBehavedShoppingTrolley · 28/12/2015 06:27

Yes. Always. And I back off from people who want too much from me as well.

Friendships are no different to romantic relationships. Sometimes in psite of whatever it is that you like about one another, they are too one-sided and it's always going to be slightly hard work, sometimes everything just clicks and they last for life.

ScoutandAtticus · 28/12/2015 07:05

Let them come to you and if they don't then back off. We have a couple who are like this. Rarely invite us over but are always to come to us, happy for me to have their child for hours but don't reciprocate and will drop is for a better offer. As much as I enjoy their company when they are here I shall definitley not be chasing them anytime soon .

ScoutandAtticus · 28/12/2015 07:05

Gah! Spelling mistakes. You get the jist.

mrsnec · 28/12/2015 07:31

I used to cut people off but I realised I was alienating people this way.

Having said that I do have another friend who I like but who never has time for me I appreciate how busy she is but she always has to keep repeating that. I probably would see more of her if I got involved in some of her hobbies but they're not things that interest me. So I accept that. But I've not had a proper conversation this year and for two years in a row she's been too busy to have a coffee with me on my birthday. I don't contact her but whenever she says we really must get together I say I'm free whenever you are and don't get a response.

Yet she sent her husband round with gifts for us for Xmas. Lovely and very generous ones too and we hadn't even done them a card which was a bit embarrassing. So it's made me think she values our friendship more than I thought. My point is I think friendships are very different these days.

This particular friend does value me and respect me I think but the ones I did cut out definitely didn't. I don't actually have a massive circle of friends though and I'm fine with that but my dh thinks I should forgive the ones that upset me. But I felt I was running around after them all the time and burdened by their problems. I don't feel like that at all with the other one. So that's what you have to ask yourself.

Alastrante · 28/12/2015 13:56

Aren't we all a bit obsessed with 'cutting people off'? Need it be so dramatic?

The answer is yes, if you have a difficult relationship with someone and you can't give what they need, or take what they are giving (especially if it's horrible) then you don't have to see them. It is perfectly normal and all right not to like being badly treated, and also not to like someone so much that you want to necessarily go the extra mile for them.

All this 'best friends forever' and extreme loyalty that people feel the need to show: I think it covers up a lack of self-belief in some ways. People can be really tricky and horrible to each other and sometimes it's the best thing to just drift away without a scene and let everyone get on with a tiny bit less stress because of it!

DioneTheDiabolist · 28/12/2015 14:06

I have never "cut off" a friend. We all grow and our lives and priorities change. I think friends recognise this and maintain if they don't get to spend so much time together.

I accept that sometimes friendships wane, but I'm with Alastrante "cutting contact" is drama seeking.

likethehip · 28/12/2015 14:28

No drama involved here. When I say 'cut off' it is more like letting it wane or drift like others have said. There is no need to make any announcements or or defriend them on FB (you can simply unfollow), but as contact details change over time, you leave them off the list of updates, and eventually they fall off the radar. It doesn't work I suppose with local friends, or people you see regularly through the school run or work and can't avoid, but I have never had friends in that situation, all my friends are people who I have to make an effort to see - and I can't be bothered to make that effort if I'm not gaining anything from it.

Flip