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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Are you still you?

30 replies

Pinky1 · 15/12/2006 21:45

Let me start by saying i love my children to bits, im there when they have c/pox, nightmares or they just cant sleep as my dancing and cake decorating skills are too awful and they are chuckling all night.I allocate my days to working so they have everything they desire,my time so they have all the time from me they desire, and my emotional support so im their at all times to support them and my husband. I dont want them to want for anything ever and they are sincerely happy. But somewhere i stopped being me. I traded a pert bust for clowns pockets! and a nice bum for a size 18-20 thing as apposed to an 8 and it makes me feel dishartened.

I have an area of my life that im so happy with, my appearance is shattered something has to give!! any advice welcome

OP posts:
olittletownofberolina · 15/12/2006 21:47

No advice, just sympathy. My bugbear is my bloody hair. It's naturally curly, longish and an awful mop atm, but I just don't have time to deal with it. Ditto unepilated dark upper-lip hairs and badly shaven legs.

fiiiivemadmarchhaaaares · 15/12/2006 21:50

pinky, you need to take some of your time back.

At least once a week your DH needs to take charge of the kids so you can get out of the house to do whatever it is you do that makes you feel like you again.

Original poster
Pinky1 · 15/12/2006 21:52

Tell me about it, im the female version of animal from the muppets,that bits already given in? im currently giving Hercule Poirot a run for his money in the tosh stakes no time for waxing!!

OP posts:
merrylissiemas · 15/12/2006 21:54

i desperately miss the old lisa. dh does too. i feel like she died in theatre and in her place was left this indecisive, panicky jelly-brained mummy. my ladygarden hasn't seen a wax in 2 years. i'm too scared to shave coz of my scar i think every mum goes thru this. my boobs used to be great but somehow they're smaller than pre-ds and floppier.

expatinscotland · 15/12/2006 21:54

I'm still me. I'll still be me in twenty years when they're fully grown and I get my life back!

Original poster
Pinky1 · 15/12/2006 22:01

expatinscotland i would like to still see if you are in 20 years? as after 7 i'm no where near( and it wasnt an instant change). Ive tried the time for myself but husband does shifts so only time to take back is to cut back work wise (which i cant do as i earn main income as ive a very good job) or cut back on time with my children (which is not an option im here whenever they want or need me)

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 15/12/2006 22:04

Of course I'll still be me. I won't look the same, but why would I? I mean, 20 years will have gone by.

I didn't look the same at 30 as I did at 20, and that was before I had kids.

What's inside is still there!

The great part about having kids is that you don't know what the changes would have been just from age itself, so you can blame it all on having kids.

fiiiivemadmarchhaaaares · 15/12/2006 22:13

Why can you not cut back on time spent with your children? Do you feel you dont spend enough time with them now?

Original poster
Pinky1 · 15/12/2006 22:16

That is a great reply! and thanks, i suppose looks wise i dont know what would have come upon with age, its just i suppose my experiance and outlook has changed not (necc for the worse i may add) and i just dont feel like me, hard to explain if you havent felt it and its very hard to put your finger upon it also if you havent felt it. As it is not necc to do with psysical looks just the way you perseption of yourself is! and i cant get mine back! help!

OP posts:
elliot3 · 15/12/2006 22:19

It's really important thst you make some time for yourself even if it means getting up out iof bed earlier and doing something- the fact that you are wrtiting that means that deep down somewhere you know that to be true.

Original poster
Pinky1 · 15/12/2006 22:19

fiiiivemadmarchhaaaares, (thought i would add name due to previous late post). I work practically full time. When im not at work im on call so i want to devote as much time as poss so cant cut work time as money commitments and children time as woulnt be fair.

Moustace time as ITV will want me soon im sure !!

OP posts:
fiiiivemadmarchhaaaares · 15/12/2006 22:25

Oh I dont know, just once a week you spend an hour less with your children , I dont think it would make that much different to them, but it sounds like it would to you (in a good way I mean)

Happy parents, happy children and all that.

Say you had the extra time without compromising anything else, what would you do?

trying2bgood · 15/12/2006 22:27

There was a time when I was lost and became just mummy/wife but have started to come back, voice my opinions, and generally feel like myself again. To be honest 'not feeling myself' started long before I had my children. With marriage comes trying to fit in with your in-laws etc and part of me hid while I tried to present a more measured version of me with a more centrist view on the world, gagging the more radical side of my thinking and wicked sense of humour. However, since the summer, have decided to be me again even if that means some people won't like me anymore! And would of course also like to lose the weight I gained!

Original poster
Pinky1 · 15/12/2006 22:28

I suppose in responce to elliot3's comment. I do know i need to make time or something has to give, i just dont know what can or where? so needed advice from someone with experiance.
Thanks everyone for your help so far

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinky1 · 15/12/2006 22:32

Once a week to be honest i think i could do and if i work it right i can sort this with husbands shifts. I used to be very sporty so i plan to go swimming. that should help in other areas too ie Clowns pockets and piorot! To be honest i dont know why i hadnt thought of it b4 thank you

OP posts:
EllieChocolateOrange · 15/12/2006 22:33

Hi there. Just worried that you wrote 'I I allocate my days to working so they have everything they desire'...maybe you should downsize the job a little (if poss) and earn a bit less as it's probably more important that they have a happy, fulfilled Mum who is then a great role model. I know it is easier said than done (!), but IMO a happy Mum (NB. not a Mum pretending to be happy) is one of the most important things you can provide for your children.

Original poster
Pinky1 · 15/12/2006 22:39

To be honest im happy in my job, relationship and with my children. im not "prentending to be happy" which makes cutting back in any area hard.
Allocate was probably a wrong choice of word sorry.
Im not unhappy i just lost me and want to get back!

OP posts:
Lwatkins · 15/12/2006 22:48

Things don't have to take all the time in the world, and you can include your kids in them as well if you want. I definatley think you need some pampering time, how about having a nice bath in the evenings, light some candles etc. When you get out the bath you could do your nails or put on a face pack or something. Take an hour out at the weekend and go to a yoga class, or go for a massage, get your hair cut. Am i making any sense or just rambling?! I haven't been through this personally but my mum has, so kind of understand how you feel cause this really got to my mum and i hated seeing her like it. But she just took some time out and 'chilled', and spoiled herself a bit - even if it was in small ways. Something as silly and normal as getting her nails done for an hour did her the world of good, and she felt better with herself for doing it too.
Taking some time out doesn't mean your giving up your kids in any way, you sound like an excellent mum and should be very proud of yourself. But lets face it, who really can keep up with Bree Vandekamp from desperate housewives?!! Your not superwoman, your a human being. Take 10 minutes for yourself x

LoveMyGirls · 15/12/2006 22:52

I've felt like this for a while, i need to feel me again, i was starting to make an effort with myself about 2yrs ago and then i fell pg again and since then it has really gone downhill, i intend to sort myself out asap, starting tomorrow, dp is having the kids all day and im going for massages and a a facial and lunch with my best m8 and shopping for clothes, make up etc (was my bday so ive got a bit of cash for once)
im getting a handbag, make up, shoes etc. i want to grow my nails again (have bitten them since childhood and i did grow them for about a year but now back to sq 1)

fiiiivemadmarchhaaaares · 15/12/2006 22:52

Do you have any girlfriends that you could get away with one weekend?

I highly recommend it.

If not, take a full day to yourself to wander aimlessly around a new town, stopping off at book and coffee shops.

fiiiivemadmarchhaaaares · 15/12/2006 22:53

Ah there you go, lovemygirls has the right idea .

Original poster
Pinky1 · 15/12/2006 23:01

I have many friends but mainly speak on phone unless they also have children (in which case we all meet)

Booked in for hair/ Nails and wax Monday (hubby had already organised as pre crimbo gift) so hello me hopefully!.
Children are off to Grandmas to make Crimbo Biccies and Laugh a Grandmas Mousache and dancing!

OP posts:
trying2bgood · 15/12/2006 23:01

I think once you make the decision to try and 'regain' yourself, things start to get better quite soon. Most partners/husbands will help you get that little bit of me time if you ask as the real you is the one they fell in love with after all!

fiiive - am hoping to do just that in the new year albeit a overnighter rather than a weekend! I am embarrassed to admit that I don't think I could manage to be away from my dds for more than that!

smartiepartie · 15/12/2006 23:37

People who give a lot of 'psychological strokes' to other people but don't get as many back (ie MUMS, but other carers too, and people in imbalanced marriages and so forth) sometimes replace the strokes they're not getting with food. I suspect you have a stroke overdraft and you are carrying it on your hips. Rich people buy themselves pretty shoes as strokes, but we normal folk can only run to a packet of jaffacakes or the children's leftover chips.

Go out there and get yourself some non-calorific strokes girl, you deserve them!

happyatlast · 16/12/2006 08:17

Luckily for me, I'm managed to stay the same physically, I have two kids and I am exactly the same as before I had them, unbelievable I know but true! I really do sympathise with you, and dont have any advice, but hope you start feeling better about yourself soon.