Just sad

[CraigRevelHorwoodsPetCat]

Oh I dunno why I'm even typing. Lying in the dark in my childhood bed crying my eyes out. Came home to parents house where I'm staying over Christmas - had a few drinks but definitely not drunk. Walked in to mum and dad having a row. No change there.

Dad has been violently abusive since I can remember; and continues to be.

I accidentally dropped my handbag in the kitchen, didn't make a terrible lot of noise but it set the dog off barking. Dad rushes in. Grabs me. I tried to apologise. Shakes me. Mum has had to trail him off me. Yet again. And here I am. Miles away from my own home, crying in bed like a child.

I'm 25 years of age. Dad has form for this; about two months ago he punched me and made me sit on "the naughty step" (the stairs) and laughed at me and called me a 6 year old.

Only child. Only come to see my mum - she likes the break from him. But fuck me. I am gutted. Thought it'd change at 18. Then at 21. But here I am, at 25..terrified of my dad

Merry Christmas :(

Yes, that's it, just knock him out

Call the police or knock the twat out but don't allow this to carry on x

Are you on your way home?

Thanks everyone. Sorry, I slipped out this morning and drove off and I'm now safely in my own home with a cup of tea. And miles away. Thank god

He's actually alright sometimes. Does the whole fatherly thing in public. They have been extremely generous to me over the years - don't get me wrong, I've never had as much as a hug from either of them; but they did help when I was at uni and a bit when I bought my own house.

I can't stand up to him. He punches, kicks, bangs my head off walls - I am terrified of him. Always have been and I can't envisage a day when I won't be.

The punishment has never fitted the crime.

I could have came home hammered at 15 and not a word would have been said to me

Drop my handbag and make the dog bark? Assaulted

I know I have to go NC. I know. I really do know

Pack your things and leave quietly. Don't look back. Go home. Find a therapist. This is a toxic situation and you shouldn't be in it.

Bangs head off walls? What kind of maniac did you visit?. Get the police involved. That's just outrageous :0 I assumed you were male but you have a handbag?? Tell me your not his daughter..

I am a woman. A 5ft petite woman. If I was a strapping 6ft son then I'd have probably put him through a window

The only small mercy is that I have a healthy attitude towards men of my own age. Zero tolerance when it comes to dodgy behaviour from them. I must be hoping he'll mellow as he gets older. He's 53. Maybe it'll take 30 years

My dad is in his 90s and it's the same old same old. He's no longer violent but he's the same revolting bully.

My mother is like your mother - worships the ground he walks on, even though he humiliates her constantly. I'm in two minds about her tbh. yy she's been conditioned by years of abuse but imo she's as bad as him. She didn't protect me when she was all I had. She chose to keep him sweet and turned a blind eye to my (considerable) suffering.

It's complicated. But if I had been abused in the way you describe, I would report it to the police. She'll protect him but it'll be there on record should something else happen in future. Relevant authorities (eg GP) will be on the lookout re your mother. She must have injuries?

I'm so sorry OP. You say you're sad but maybe you/we need to get mad? I admit I feel utterly defeated by it all now, same as you probably. I still see them but not very often. I recently had a very serious health crisis and he was vile - I went for him (verbally). Why on earth I hadn't done it before is beyond me - it was powerful, right from my gut, an exocet missile. I felt so good afterwards. Cleansed.

You have to stop seeing him/them. He hits you, you have no choice.

Actually, not only didn't she protect me but she fed me to him. If you look closely, your mother does/did that to you.

Please make this Christmas the last time you go there. If your mother - either through conditioning or whatever else - will only back him up, you need to go NC with both of them. I know that must be such a hard thought, as they are your parents, but if this was anyone else in the world treating you like this, you would feel no obligation to speak to them, let alone spend time with them.

You will never reach a magical age where he treats you better. He will always be this way, because he sees no fault in his actions.

Improve your life by cutting him out.

My Mother is also an enabler/victim. A mix of the two. You will NEVER change them. He is a bully. I left and I hope my Mother dies alone but regretting her behaviour.

Did your Father calls you names a lot?

How did you manage to build your life /career to buy a house?

My self esteem was none existent. What's the event to nit believing g everybody else dislikes you too? Or not attracting arse holes?

I must be hoping he'll mellow as he gets older

Then let me disabuse you of that idea - they don't mellow, they just get worse and when their physical strength eventually fades they rely on emotional abuse instead

I'm a generation older than you but went through the same thing; even our mothers were similar, with the "keep your father happy at all costs" mentality and a blind eye turned to the terrible damage caused. A particular refinement with mine was to run round shutting windows when my father kicked off so the neighbours wouldn't hear him - appearances, you see

Either you can remove yourself from them mentally, or if there's no chance of the attacks stopping you'll have to do it physically; believe me there really is no other choice

Glad you're home and safe. So sad your life has been like that, and really hope it never is again.

If you ever, for whatever reason, go back there and he does it again, please please please call the cops. No matter the effect on either of them, long term or short term, please.

Hope the rest of Christmas is better. Could you stay with one of your friends next time?

A particular refinement with mine was to run round shutting windows when my father kicked off so the neighbours wouldn't hear him - appearances, you see

Snap!

I've just gone cold reading your reply, springydaffs ... but then that's what this kind of thing does, I guess; you end up thinking you're completely on your own So very sorry it happened to you too ...

This is terrible to read. I don't know if the OP has children but if you were to now or I the future would you really want them to have someone like this in their family potentially modelling behaviour like this? Say you had a DD in 4 years time the abuser( he doesn't deserve to be called a father) could well be alive right through that girl's (or indeed that boys) childhood and adolescence. I know I was influenced by my granda as a young boy and man, fortunately the only misbehaviour he taught me was parsimoniousness, taking the piss out of priests and drinking gallons of tea...my point is your are doing your own future self and any unborn children you might have a mighty disservice by not going NC as people have said. This is NOT person capable of changing but you have the power to limit its effect on your future life. I take my hat off to you for what you've achieved so far and am delighted you don't put up with any nonsense from male peers/suitors.I will say a prayer for you tonight.

Craig,

I am horrified at what you have been through, yet you are clearly together, kind and capable, you should be very proud of yourself .

But never go back there, never allow him to hurt you again, and never allow him to meet any future kids.

Don't feel guilty about any help they may have given you in the past, make your own brighter future.

l am in awe of your resilience.

Sorry for the cross post OP. Glad you're safe x

I'm with Dr morbius on this one. It's utterly bizarre. It had never occurred to me that there was grown women out there being assaulted by there father's. My bad, but you really need to let him know that you are not going to tolerate it.
Tbh if I was in your shoes I would not rest easy until I had some sort of retribution. He's a monster and deserves to be treated as such.

I understand pp's who disagreed with my advice to Op to confront her DF. My advice to Op was to change the dynamic of their relationship so she could carry on seeing her parents. She can always "walk away" (go NC)

Op's father is a plain old fashioned bully, the silence of her mother and Op (herself) over the years has allowed the situation to continue (this is not blaming you Op but it is fact). We all know that the father doesn't go up to some bloke in his local pub and punch him in the head or hold his head against the wall.

IMHO if Op wants to have any relationship with her father and mother in future, she needs them to understand that the assaults have stopped. She needs both of them to admit that assaults took place and to apologise and to understand any further assaults will result in the police being called. She needs to make them to face up to what he has done. Not continue to sweep it under the carpet. Obviously all this can be done from the safety of your own home, without the need for face to face contact.

Please do not go back to your parents house again until you have changed the dynamic of your relationship.

I disagreed with you yes because the op was still posting from I sude the house and I felt confronting him would be extremely risky.
I sit on a lot of panels for risk assessing domestic abuse cases and the risk goes through the roof when a victim try's to take control by either leavung or standing up to the abuser.
The only way of "standing up" to the perp is by removing yourself to a safe place and allowing the proper legal process to happen.
Telling the father from a distance that you will no longer accept his abuse, whilst cathartic would not change his behaviour which is likely to be deeply entrenched and would need years of theraoy to change.

My concern about telling the op to confront him or most unbelievably "knock him out" is not only the danger it places the victim in but the message it gives to them to "sort it out" or "tell him you aren't putting up with it" implying a that the victim has any control over the abuser or that she's weak and should be doing more to stop it.
This discourages the victim from seeking help and support this isolating her further and making the abuse even easier.

I posted this on another thread but I was a victim of extreme dv many years ago.
I ran to friends and family but they got fed up with me because I keot going back (as abused women often do over and over) even my own mother stopped helping me.
Only my step mother (once a victim herself) told me I could go to her as long as I needed to and that she knew I'd evebtualky leave..
A friend once laughed when I told her that dp hit me and said "you should hit him back" etc etc
So the next time he hit me I hit him back.... He beat me so badly that I evded up in hospital with a skull fracture.

I was in no way trying to be bossy or critical but I just felt it was a good opporunity for discussion.

Jesus christ woman what are you doing! Don't go back. Please don't ever go back. This is your dad doing this. No man has any right to hit you like that. Please seriously consider some counselling regarding this horrible relationship and damaged learned boundaries. I'm in shock that your dad has done that to you. I really think you should press charges... I mean all in your own good time but this is a huge mess. I can literally feel your meekness around your dad pouring from your post you poor thing. My grandad was a violent alcoholic and he used to hit my grandma in next room to me and I was a kid. So I know you must feel scared but please please don't let him in your life any longer. As for your mum, the other posters are right, she is an enabler. Can she come visit you without your dad? Or would this never be "allowed?"

I really don't know what to say apart from you poor poor love
Hope you find the strength to cut this bastard out of your life. My dad would no doubt be a bully toward me now like he was to my mum, except my husband would tear him a new arsehole

CraigRevelHorwoodsPetCat There was another thread like this a while ago identical circumstances dad 'tho I wouldn't bit call him that!, was a pillar of the community but upset and assaulted his daughter and mum, was well just so conditioned to keep the peace as she was brainwashed into seeing it.

You can NOT, just can not go on like this and no your not in a position to hit back and do not do that. Contact the police and see what they have to say re the situation. It might come as a big shock for him to see a PC knocking at his door.

But you do NOT deserve to be treated thus by this bully, for that's all he is he is not a man and not a dad, dad's and real men do not do those things.

If you do feel for your mum invite her to yours but leave this POS to stew and don't go there, ever again his time for hurting you is over, Finished!.