How to tell dv partner its over & where to live

[Chirstmascake1]

For those who have survived this, what is the best way to tell them its over?

Also, am thinking of moving somewhere else - not too far, but maybe closer to work or family (still close enough for easy dc contact) - I feel like i psychologically need a new start. Has anyone does this? I feel like I want to live somewhere quiet.

Smuggle out the most needed documents - bank, passports, birth certificates, inland revenue, benefits etc. Store these somewhere with someone you really, really trust. Someone that if needed you can get at 3 in the morning. If you can also stash some cash, would be a good idea.

Start looking for somewhere else. Don't let him know. Remember along with this thread and all your net usage, clear your cookies and history.

Be prepared that if things turn, hence the docs and any sentimental things he wouldn't miss are elsewhere. And if at any time, you feel unsafe do call the police. And when he is in custody, contact Womans aid and go.

You say you have called the police before. If you need to get things out the house and can't guarantee he won't be there in sure you can ask for an officer to attend with you for your safety.

hv previously said to me - its for him to apply for contact, is this right? we both work but im main caregiver.

My ExH plays the power games by demanding contact as and when he fancies it. If I don't comply he starts saying how it's not fair on the children, etc.

If I try to make civilised arrangements - eg you can have them Friday 5pm till Monday 5pm he will not return them on time and will say it was not a mutual agreement, it was a forced agreement and he won't comply, crap like that all of the time. You do have to let it wash over you but, a year in, I haven't managed that at all and it still upsets me deeply. I try to counteract this by posting on here, and also have DCs school involved in supporting them.

Despite this, life is infinitely better without him. Little things like not being treated like you are beneath contempt, watching someone looking down on everything you do.

I love my life now, even with its faults and difficulties. I would never, ever go back to such an evil person.

You will be the same one day. It is hard, but you will get there. Far better than living with it because of fear of the alternative.

I think your he is correct re contact. I have let mine see the children as they are older than yours and miss him, I think the courts will not look favourably on you denying contact altogether, but it could just be restricted contact - eg a few hours at his parents each weekend. If he wanted more he would have to go to court to apply for this.

But I would seek legal advice - maybe call Womens aid - and they should be able to clarify.

does any1 know if court ever orders 50/50 residency with baby?

I think it's usually every other weekend and half of school holidays for older children, but they encourage parents to come to an arrangement between themselves first.

Don't keep DC contact as a priority for location - make sure that is your support network. Get out, get safe, take everything you will need. You can call the police and ask for support with this if you feel that will help. Do not tell him in advance you are thinking of leaving. Yes he will continue to be abusive after you leave; statistically this is the most dangerous time. So make sure you have markers on your phone and new address. If possible - and they are supportive - go and stay with family so you are not alone to begin with.

Good luck, stay safe.